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First let me say, I can't help him. A little history as to why. I took care of my mother, emotionally and financially for many years, first when my father left her after 40 years of marriage and continued to do so after she was diagnosed with dementia until she passed at the age of 89 in Nov 2022. My brother refused to or claimed he couldn't help her or me with the care of our mother even though he lived 10 minutes from her and I live 3 hours away. He said he didn't have the time or the money to spare. All this time he was driving expensive cars and his wife was sporting designer clothes and Louis Vuitton bags. I on the other hand was paying for my mother's care for the last 17 years of her life. I paid her mortgage payments and other bills and the last 2 years of her life at a memory care facility until she passed. Because of this and without any knowledge to me, she left me her house.



Oh and my brother and his entire family did "NOT" attend my mother's funeral even though they knew about it because I told them when and where it was going to be.



So now my brother calls me. Speaking to him, I noticed he is a little off. Cognitive issues are obvious. He is 61 yrs old. He tells me he hasn't been working for the past 1.5 years because he has been sick. He has been living off his disability payment and his 2 401K but all that was controlled by his wife and is now depleted. His wife has applied for social security disability for him but he doesn't know what that status is. He says when the money is there everything is good but now the money is gone, all she does is yell at him. He says she feeds him hotdogs, and cup of noodles, she won't refill his blood pressure medication and tells him he doesn't need it or she doesn't have money to fill the prescription even though it cost $17.00 for a 90 day supply. She stopped paying his credit card bills and now all the credit card companies are calling him for payment. He says he owes about $20,000.00 to credit card companies but he doesn't remember getting most of those credit cards but they are in his name.



She transferred all of the money out of their joint checking account so he has no access to any money. She took away all the car key so he can't drive anywhere because she told him he wasn't allowed to drive because he was sick. When he asks her what she means by that, she got angry and told him to get the hell out of the house and never come back. She has cancelled all his doctor's appointment and has kicked him out of their bedroom so now he sleeps on the couch. She recently had a birthday party at a friend house and told him he wasn't invited.



Here is the major concern. He said he had a friend go and pick up his blood pressure medication for him and his wife found out and was livid. She made the comment, "Well if your friend is going to take care of you now I don't have to and if you "Die", it won't be my fault."



I don't think he caught onto this, but I think she want's him to die so she doesn't have to deal with him anymore. He has asked to come live with me but I can't take him on. I am not in the position to do so emotionally or financially and honestly, I still have 4 kids in college 20 and under I need to think about their wellbeing. He has 2 adult kids a son and daughter but they most likely won't help him. So I guess I am asking what are his options?

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He was not there for you in your time of need. He's had years to apologize, so he doesn't just get to suddenly reappear in your life with his hand out and a sob story.

He's not been mentally incompetent his whole life, so he's had time to plan for his future. There are many uncertainties in life, but the one thing we know for sure is that we will die someday. It could be instantly, but more likely it will be a long drawn out process accompanied by physical disability, mental disability, and possibly both. It won't be fun or pretty, but we can make the best of it by making a plan. This is Adulting 101. People who don't make a plan for something that's pretty much an absolute certainty don't get to call the shots or cry "poor me".

Your estranged brother has made his own bed. This is not your problem, so don't make it your problem.
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Block His calls - It is funny he suddenly doesnt Have any Money . Wake up and smell the coffee . You Let him Back in and he will Mooch . These are the types of people you have to cut ties with permanently and Not let them back into your Life .
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I refer you to what BurntCaregiver said…as it is my same exact advice. I think brother has a lot of nerve but his wife has no right to treat him badly..perhaps she prevented him from helping you & mom? I don’t know. If he had a pair, he’d be there to help you & mom. Do NOT under any circumstances take him in. They would become squatters & take house away from you. All of a sudden he’d be well, and you be out of house & brother & wife would be living there! You’d have a major nightmare on your hands. I also recommend you give his children phone number of Elder Abuse Service's..if that’s APS and Area on Aging ..if you just want to do one time call to report this elder abuse. But I would let his call go to vm best of luck to you.
Hugs 🤗
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You certainly don't have to explain to anyone why you won't take him in.
It sounds to me like your brother is a narcissist. He would do nothing to help with his own mother, didn't care if you needed any help with her (physically or financially) but now when he isn't being catered to as he might wish to be, he want you to rescue him.

Please.

He's a married man with a family. Let his kids take care of him if his wife isn't doing right by him.

Or tell him to call APS on his wife because he's a vulnerable adult and she's abusing him.

It could also be that he has dementia and is making it up to get attention. If you want, you could talk to his kids and ask what's going on. You don't have to though.
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CaregiverL Apr 25, 2024
Now that is best advice ever, Burnt!
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I don't know why you are even taking phone calls from him. He wouldn't help you and your mother when it was needed but thinks you should be there for him now. Heck no. He has a family. He has a wife and kids. If he has dementia his situation may not really be what he is telling you. I agree with the others, call APS. If his wife gets upset and calls you tell her you were sick of his calls and needed it to stop.
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It may be your Brother's viewpoint varies greatly from his Wife's. APS can be the impartial investigator & take action to increase his care/safety if required.
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I wouldn't believe anything he says. He seems like a master manipulator, and if he has dementia, which it looks like, he could believe his confabulations (or not). Who knows?

Based on your past with him, you shouldn't trust him. Stay out of it. You have too much to do already without shoring up someone who may want to harm you.

Time to cut off all communications and protect yourself.
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Call APS, not your circus not your monkeys. Nothing good will come out of getting involved in this mess.
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Despite all the past bad history and your hurt in it, he’s either a person in need of help or a person who’s hallucinating or confused. In any case, he needs evaluation and possibly help. Contact Adult Protective Services and relate what he told you, minus the family drama, just his possible need for assistance that you cannot be involved with. I have a sibling that for differing reasons, I already know I wouldn’t involve myself in his care, this is the route I may very well go one day
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Melodicmom Apr 23, 2024
Thank you for your response. I'm not sure what his situation. He has called my husband now asking him if he would buy his Corvette because his wife wants the money from the sale. My husband said after speaking to my brother, "something is seriously wrong with him. He can't form complete sentences."
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I would call APS and tell her what you told us re meds, food, bank accounts. You can be anon if you think best. Then you will have done something if only as a human being not lowering yourself to his level.
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Melodicmom Apr 23, 2024
Thank you for your advice.
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You really can't and shouldn't do anything for him. Primarily because, if he does have cognitive issues, he may be confabulating everything he told you.

If he was able to call and talk to you then he can call and request APS to come out for a visit. Or have the friend who he asked to pick up his medicine (who lives local to him) help him.

Stay out of it, there's really nothing you should be doing.
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lealonnie1 Apr 23, 2024
I came here to say this very thing! You can NEVER fully rely on what a person with dementia is claiming.
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"Sorry, I cannot help you. I supported Mom for years. I have kids in college and at home I am supporting. I just do not have anything extra to give you." Then give him the phone# of APS and the Office of aging.

The best thing ur brother could do was divorce this woman. He should get half of the assets. He should continue with trying to get disability. If he is turned down once, he gets a SS lawyer who cannot charge him. ,he gets a % of the retro money. Once on SS Disability, he gets Medicare and Medicaid for heath. He will qualify for more help because he is one income. Office of aging should be able to get him help and Social Services. If he has Denentia at 61, the best thing may to be to have him placed in LTC. APS will evaluate the situation and hopefully get him the help he needs. Maybe take over his care which I would allow. Make sure he and anyone else, that you are not the solution here. He lived his life the way he wanted while you took care of Mom. Your financially and emotionally drained. Anything you have left, is for your children. At this point, he has a wife and adult children. They should be the ones to figure this all out.

What goes around comes around. This is brother's come around. It's sad but I really think people should realize, at some point in their lives how their decisions have effected others. How their selfishness effected others before someone bails them out. He taught his kids, Dad had nothing to do with grandma, so no need to do for him.

Maybe you can help your brother by helping him find resources. If he does not take advantage of what is out there, then thats his fault not yours. You can say u tried. I believe in giving a foot up. I believe in helping get someone over a hump. But they must help themselves. Please never feel guilty. Your brother did this to himself. My mantra...

"I am here to help people find the way, not be the way"
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Melodicmom Apr 23, 2024
Thank you. You are right and I really needed to hear this.
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Sounds like karma, but I'm sure it hurts, most of us hate to see a family member hurt and in bad shape. And it really stinks I'm sure.

Also you are only getting one side.
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Give brother the number to contact APS.
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