20 years ago I took my mother in age 63, my father had passed away. Parents had rented their entire lives, mother never emotionally available as had 8 kids and no time. I have come to realize I am a people pleaser and consequently my biggest flaw.
Been with partner since age 17 (31 years, married for 20). Relocated to a regional area (where she and some siblings lived) built a granny flat for her as my mum had a horse. Husband and I have three teenage sons, our marriage had declined over the years due to my mother still living on the property, husband not happy, drinking with depression etc. We talked about separation at times but both knew it was from stress and allowed the daily slug to break us.
My mother isn’t the brightest person and laughs at inappropriately at times, she has never driven, is horse obsessed and has no friends. However, she seems content with her daily routine and lives to socialize with her daughters and our lives. One sister takes her shopping fortnightly, the others visit maybe monthly and one never but happy to have mum dropped at her place (by myself). I had to listen to my mother daily about anything and everything and it was exhausting at times but I felt trapped as to what to do with her. 20 years has passed, I am now 49.
This is where it gets awful. My husband and mum would have run ins outside, usually about farm stuff, she couldn't be told and liked to argue back. He was unfair at times, but she didn't always respect our space and I had to spell it out to her. She lived with very cheap rent, free electricity, mowed lawns etc. and had her horse right next to her flat.
I came home from work 6 months ago to husband and sons telling me dad had a run in with nan and husband telling me he just doesn't care anymore. She is 83, no medications, takes walks and cares for herself. We are also mindful of her age and conflict was not frequent. She needed help in lots of tasks, Drs appts (she rarely went and was suspicious of most Drs and dentists) she would miss information and doesn't listen very well, she laughs a lot, even when it's not suitable to laugh. We always just said to each other, that's mum and looking back she has always been this way and we all just accept her.
Following this dispute I go to check on her and have a chat (I am feeling drained), she admits she was attempting to lunge her horse on a patch close to the road. She has not ridden this horse in two years and can't let go, she then tells she should tell me something about my husband. I am gobsmacked as to what she's talking about? She tries to withdraw her statement but I insist she continues. She claims my husband had been visiting her place and making silly comments in a sexual nature towards her on and off for years. I felt like vomiting, she tells me she told one of my sisters that lives closest. Nothing was ever said as mum swore everyone to secrecy and controlled the situation. Although nothing ever actually happened these allegations immediately haunted me. I went straight to the house and asked my husband straight up what she told me (she followed me tried to stop me). He was furious and very angry, he said she had one week to get out. This was very stressful for me, I begged family to come and take her for the weekend, and no one came. There is no red flags for me, mum laughed at my husband’s jokes and enjoyed his company. I hit rock bottom that week. Soon discover all sisters knew and did or said nothing? Then a video comes out, it was from 5 yrs. ago, I had asked her to mind our new puppy (boy’s first dog). Husband kept this from me and claims he didn't know what to do so did nothing. Boys had left their camera on as they were constantly filming their puppy. During this hell week my distraught husband gives me the mentioned footage, I watch it with her for the first time. She masturbates on my lounge and offers our puppy her hand three times, then battery goes flat. We had her out, sold the property and sadly went our own way.
Anyway, your first priority is to yourself and getting your life back on track. Next, you mentioned your husband's drinking. In AA, they teach that drinking is a choice. Sure, stressors may make the drinking worse, but the responsibility of sobriety rests with the drinker alone. It is your exe's responsibility to decide if he wants to stop drinking or not. Alcoholism places a burden on the entire family. You definitely had your hands full with your nutcase mother and an alcoholic husband while trying to navigate life. There is a program called Al-Anon that is for families and friends of people who drink. They have online meetings as well as in person meetings. I found these meetings extremely helpful. I attended in person meetings when they were in my area.
As for your mother and her bizarre sexual behaviors, that would have been enough to have her exited from the premises. It doesn't sound like dementia or any other mental illness since she was fully aware of her actions. This makes a big difference. Telling a bald faced lie on your husband was also terrible thing to do. Her actions towards you and your family has not been loving at all. She has been using you and at the same time stabbing all of you in the back. People want to label people's behavior as personality disordered, mentally ill or having dementia. I'm here to tell you that there are some people in the world that are just plain evil and have evil intentions for everyone. I don't try to analyze why they are a certain way or what made them turn that way. Only God can judge. However, we are not obligated to these folks no matter how close in relation to us to take them on, provide a place for them and care for them financially. No one wins when dealing with an abusive and manipulative individual. Keep your mother away from your family and marriage. I'm hoping for the restoration of your marriage and family.
Also, before we start jumping in to help anyone, we have to decide if this person is worth the risk to our mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, marital relationship, and children.
PEACE
Her behavior is absolutely disgusting and I would bet my life that your husband is as disgusted by her as you are. Maybe even more. You're my age, my dear. Your man did not come on to your elderly mother.
You know, I actually hope she has dementia and doesn't realize what she's saying because to say such a thing about her son-in-law is evil and no mistake.
Get her off your property at once and for God's sake, give your marriage a fair chance.
I don't know you personally or your husband, but if he's been putting up with your mother for the last 20 years, you've got yourself a good man.
So don't throw him out to the garbage to keep your mother around who clearly has no respect for you, your family, or herself.
Get her away from you and your family.
"Who does this to their daughter and abuses their trust like this.?"
The answer is complicated and probably not productive to invest much time in pondering.
But possibly:
Someone with severe mental illness
Someone sexually molested as a child.
Someone with no capacity to form relationships.
Someone who only thinks about what they want (i.e., extreme narcissism).
Someone with no moral compass.
These are overlapping categories.
As to your siblings, it seems like they, like you, simply accepted mom's claims as part of her usual craziness and didn't bother themselves about it. After all, to tell you might mean THEY might have to provide care for "crazy mom".
You have much to rebuild; don't get bogged down in the "whys" and "what ifs"
(((Hugs))))
That leaves you with your distress with your husband and the others in the family who knew what was going on. Your husband probably didn’t care. She couldn’t push him into actual sex, and it doesn’t sound like that happened. Millions of men watch adult films, and this was probably more or less a living porn film. Millions of women forgive the the pornography watchers! And you can choose to forgive him too, if you can.
The others in the family probably didn’t know what and whether to believe. You can think that they should have warned you, and they probably should – if they thought there was anything in it. They might have thought that being told anything about it would just upset you for nothing. Or they might have thought it was a bad joke, this old lady acting like a prostitute. I am sure that knowing this was all going on behind your back is very very upsetting. One thing, do you know about your mother’s early sex life? I had a school friend who was devastated to find out that her grandmother had been a prostitute in her late teens and twenties, and started talking to her about the details. Most sex workers grow older, and some regress as they get older.
It’s taken you a while to write to us about this, and perhaps you can do it now because you are getting past the worst of the pain. Well done for doing your best to stay on good terms with your husband (or ex-) and looking after your sons. It may be that you can get back on reasonable terms with everyone else involved (excluding mother – that really would be too hard). You can slowly get your life back if you want to do that. I don’t normally have a lot of time for counselors, but this might be one situation where one could help. You may need the opportunity to talk it all out before you can let it go.
Best wishes for trying to get the best parts of your life back again. Love, Margaret
People don't always get the parents they need.
Sometimes we give too much, for too long.
But we can change.
We can acknowledge the past & but stay determined to aim for the future.
We learn to grow again.
Are you thinking that your husband "came on" to mom and that mom told sisters and they believed her?
Or is it more likely that your very strange and inappropriately sexual mother made this all up and your sisters ignored because they know how wacky your mom is?
If I had a choice about who to believe, I'm in favor of DH. Maybe you guys deserve a fresh start.
OP ,
Have you thought about how your husband feels ?
You stated yourself that having your mom on the property for 20 years caused the decline of your marriage and had your husband depressed and drinking . Your mother and her lies were the problem .
You are fortunate your husband stuck around as long as he did and even extended the olive branch to you to try to get back together. He’s the one your mother lied about , not you . Maybe try to be in his shoes .
You being a people pleaser ( towards your mother) and allowing this circus on your property to continue for 20 years set up this explosion , yet you feel the one betrayed . Mom should have been kicked out years ago . Own that , get some therapy , forgive yourself for allowing Mom to stay so long , and move on .
I feel bad for your husband , he’s the one who stuck around for 20 years while your mother was put ahead of your marriage and lost everything , yet he’s still willing to try to work it out . You don’t realize how rare that is .
First get this fixated delusion out of your mind that your husband betrayed you. He did not.
Give up any legal responsibilities towards this woman. If need be, let her become a ward of the state. She did not plan for her retirement and looked to you for her financial support and somebody to abuse when she felt like it. The abuse hurts and this is what you are feeling. You feel betrayed by your family. Do not give up your husband and your children to appease this woman. Spend time with your husband. Anyone drunk or sober who puts up with a lying and scheming mother in law for twenty years deserves a gold medal.
People's bizarre behaviors are hard to deal with. Can you believe that maybe your husband was shocked and disgusted over your mother's behavior, and didn't know how to approach you about it.
Your siblings know their mother and her behavior. They didn't tell you anything because it wasn't worth it and maybe it was so crazy that they chose to sweep it under the rug. I think they were afraid of having the tables turn on them next, so they kept quiet about it.
Your mother sounds like a narcissist in full blast.
Please talk to your husband. Deal with your pain. Don't ruin the rest of your lives together over your mother's nonsense.
Mother is pitting the children against each other . My narc mother did that and ruined the family .
I’d like to add that , the husband still wanted to try to work it out , and didn’t run after 20 years of moms crap.
Sounds like a good guy to me.
Magdol,
I’m speaking from experience .
Stop putting your mom and her nonsense first , which is what you are still doing .
Say screw her nonsense , you aren’t going to let it ruin your life .
Put your marriage and kids first .
Please never be tempted back into the mother-care quicksand. No matter what, any crisis with your mother is for your siblings to handle.
You have been damaged so much by your mother. In reading through your responses, I think you are doing all the right things to heal. I hope that you and your H can reconcile, because it seems that you both really want to do that.
Please keep us updated. We care.
In your initial post, you identify your mother's presence as the biggest stressor on your marriage.
In her absence, I hope perhaps you and DH can find your way back to some joy and friendship, if not love and intimacy.
I think your mother is lying about any "involvement" with your DH. I think it has been her aim to drive a wedge between you two from the start. She is a sick puppy and you deserved a better mother.
Move on and heal. As Margaret says, you now have a worldwide group of friends!
(((Hugs)))