My father is 86 years old, he has mild dementia but otherwise very independent and healthy for his age. My sister, who is single and has an 18 year old at home, is living with him full time. He pays rent and helps with bills. My sister has become resentful that I don't do my part, we live in the same town within miles from each other. I buy him clothes, some groceries and occasional meals out, he comes over to my house at least 3-4 times a week. Her idea is that my father should live with me three days a week and with her the other 4. I feel that will be confusing and unsettling for him. I feel that it has to be a clean cut, either my home or hers. When he comes to my house he asks to go home after a 2-3 hours, even if my sister is not home, he wants to be home.
I am looking for thoughts on the best way to handle this. I know in both our hearts we want the best for my dad.
I agree that half a week in one living situation and half a week in another is too confusing for someone with dementia. Your sister might benefit from more education about this disease.
Her finding other housing would be required for dad to go to a facility, his home would need to be used for his care, whether sold now and self pay or Medicaid recovers it after he passes. If she stayed on there she would be responsible for maintenance and property taxes, dads money would go for his care, unless he is very wealthy, which I assume he is not or you guys would have hired aids already.
How would everyone feel if they didn't have him home to care for but she still got free rent, as well as the income her son pays for rent. Just wondering.
And, the two of you may have a different idea of what what an adult child's fair share of duties include. It's quite subjective. I don't subscribe to the theory of an adult child having to take on multiple hours of caregiving each week for an ailing parent. People have their own jobs, lives and needs. Taking on half the care of a person with dementia is a huge commitment. If sister chooses that, it's her choice. I sense sister may now realize just how much is involved.
Are either of you appointed DPOA? Do you think you can both agree on another plan? I'd discuss it frankly with sister and get a plan and not wait for him to progress. It could be slow, but, it could be soon. I'd look at what progression means and how that would be handled with him in her home.
Find a continuing care facility so he doesn't have to move as his needs increase, if he doesn't have the money, get him applied for Medicaid now and start looking for a facility that accepts Medicaid.
In the mean time can you stay with dad at his home for a day and a night every week? Then your sister can do what she wants.
She may calm her resentment knowing there is a set amount of time until she gets her home back 100%.
Let us know how it works out.