He is living in filth and won't let me help him
he has told me not to come over he will let me know when I can
I asked my sister to help and she went on a diatribe about what a horrible person I am and then called the police for a wellness check
He gets mad at me for calling to check on him, the neighbor in the duplex will drag the garbage cans out but she said to day he screamed at her and was awful and said he can do it
I am at my wits end, he doesn't want me to help he is so hateful to me, he actually makes me sick and was always a bad father
he is basically an awful person, I know that's mean but it's truehe is going to fall over and die in that house and it will be his own fault
he called today to complain about her
i told him to get the cleaner he liked and make a set schedule, he hung up on me
you all are right
I just don't want him to die alone
If you’re hoping for a deathbed “I’m sorry and I did always love you”, you will not get it.
She sent the police over, do you know what they found? Did they report Dad to APS? Which is what I would do. But then sis may get mad.
Go no contact. Let Dad call you. He does not want your help. Tell sister he is all yours.
You don't tell us whether this "being an awful person" is new for father, and for sister as well, or if this has been lifelong your family dynamic, but whichever, your father, unless deep in the throes of dementia, doesn't want your help. And it's very unlikely you can be of any help to him. The frustration of your attempting intervention will harm you both. In my humble opinion, if he's living this way by choice, then no one can help.
I think that I would, were I you, tell APS what you are seeing, and tell them that you believe he is at risk. Tell them that he is abusive and you cannot intervene and ask them to make a welfare check.
I think that you are very wise to step away from your father. Let your sister know that you are doing so, and she can then make her own choices for her own life.
I wish you good luck.
Not everything can be fixed. Your Dad will almost certainly die as he has lived.
My cousin will ask me if I want to speak to her every now and then and I will say, "Nope. I'm good". It was a hard pill to swallow, but once she pretty much told me to leave her alone, I did.
I haven't been back to visit her, because like your dad, she's living in filth. I spent a pretty penny to have her house professionally cleaned, which included human waste and urine, that also made the bill go sky high. Believe me, it is right back to how it was again and no one, not even aunt will pay to get it professionally cleaned again.
So, yes. They have done us a favor by telling us to stay away. Take heed and stay away from hell.
In life we don't get to choose our parents but we do get to choose boundaries with them. You aren't responsible for his happiness. This is the quality of retirement he planned for so let him have all of it to himself.
I wish you a guilt-free life of peace and joy as you move onward and upward.
never thought of it that way but it's true! ty!
People often scoff at the concept of "protecting your peace". But the concept is not new. Your father is at bare minimum verbally abusive to you. Maybe more. And he has told you to stay away.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
You can put in a call to APS...or better yet, let your oh so concerned sister put that call in since she likes those wellness checks.
After many years of "sharegiving" for my abusive, narcissistic FIL....this is a hill to die on....no one should ever be a caregiver for their abuser. Many will tell you that here, and they are all 100% correct. It is better to put distance and have uniformed people like your sister judge you than to put yourself in a position with very real consequences where you have to protect yourself. Or where he suddenly accuses YOU of something you didn't do.
I can see that happening, you are right, your post hit me like a ton of bricks