Ok for those who have helped me out in the past, I'll start with a little update. I reached my breaking point with my father's insistence on driving although he is legally blind in one eye and deaf. I brought him to an assisted living facility near my home and talked frankly about his options. Clearly, although he even agreed that the place was lovely, he wanted to continue to live with me. He said he was allergic to the carpeting and felt tightness in his chest while in there. (Just plain anxiety if you ask me) My husband and I listed a set of conditions that he would have to agree to in order to stay in our home. The most important of these was to stop driving, give me the signed title to his car which we are going to sell immediately and to never speak of driving again. I have arranged for regular alternate transportation which he resists, but has agreed to in order to stay. Sounds like a resolution, right? Well, it has been short lived. He now has switched from badgering me about giving him his car to insisting to be brought to the emergency room to have surgery on an inguinal hernia that he claims is painful.
A little background on that matter. When my mother died in 2004 my father decided to surgically repair this hernia which he was putting off for years. At that time he was not cleared for surgery because of an abnormality in his EKG. We followed up with a cardiologist who did a cath to see what the issue was. My father was diagnosed with severe aortic stenosis. The cardiologist advised to have the valve replaced. My father refused. The doctor explained that my father was putting himself in a dangerous position because he will not survive anesthesia with this stenosis. My father refused the heart surgery and of course there was no hernia surgery either as a result. Now, he says he can't stand the pain of the hernia, so last Tuesday I brought him to the ER just to rule out strangulation, they did a CAT scan it is not strangulated. It is very large and no doubt uncomfortable, but essentially it is not a life or death situation. This would be the only circumstance that the hospital would perform surgery on him even though the risk of mortality is so high. They told him to take Tylenol for the pain. So this is where we are. My father now cries and whines to me every day to take him to the ER because he is uncomfortable, even though he knows full well they will not operate on him. I avoid him and this conversation, but we are right back where we started. He is still driving me crazy in MY house. The topic is no longer the car, but now this surgery. My husband and I do not feel comfortable forcibly removing my 87 year old father from our home, but what do I do to change this situation? He does not have dementia but is obviously narcissistic. I resent being badgered as if I'm the one who is stopping him from having this surgery. I did not make these choices, he did. His response to us at that time was, "When I die, I die." However, he did not die, he has just become a crotchety, old, impossible to please person who insists on disrupting my daily routine and life as much as he possibly can. There is nothing more I can do for him. He lives in my home, I cook, clean, launder his clothes, pay his bills, conduct all his business transactions, take him to the doctor, everything. My thanks for all this intrusion in my life is creating constant havoc and uproar for me and my family. Oh and I should note that my parents have been living with me since 1998. I work full time and have two teenage sons. My mom died of ovarian cancer in 2004. I have two brothers who are verbally supportive of me, but are not hands on AT ALL. The day to day has been all me forever with both my parents, but more so now with my dad. So thanks for the vent and if anyone has walked in my shoes and can give me words of wisdom I so desperately need, please , help.
That said, if you father is like my mother, he is narcissistic. And if you read all the literature and posts on here about narcissism, he will not change. Mom never has, never does any wrong, never takes responsibility.
You have to play hard ball with these types. There will be some who tell you he is old and you should just let it roll off your back. No. They thrive on being the center of attention and getting their way. They do not care what it does to you. Believe me, I know of what I speak.
As of now, I have nothing to do with my mother. Too many lies, too much of a one way street relationship. But just like you when she needs real help, I will get a phone call from my brother and they will expect me to take care of her. No.
Assisted living. And when the money runs out, a nursing home. You have got to save your sanity with these types. No one who has a narcissistic parent will tell you differently. Good luck to you stick to your guns.
Anytime we talk or when we set down to dinner, it takes about 5 minutes for the conversation to turn to her problem. Our conversations are very short. She has totally driven me away.
I don't have any advice for you, because I have a feeling you just needed to talk about it. It is hard to find someone to talk to. Even now I feel like someone is going to chime in "Poor mother. It must be terrible to itch like that." Grr -- they better not dare.
Caregiving is a really good example of "no good deed goes unpunished." Sometimes the only thing we can do is walk away from the unending obsessions with health if nothing can be done. The bad thing is we can end up feeling so angry and guilty when we have to walk away so much. Why do they do this to us? Good sense flies out the door when some people get old.
I know this is not an answer but I just wanted you to know, you are not alone.
If the "crotchety, old, impossible to please person" is not who he was before, tell his doctor. He may very well have some dementia. Or it could be a wrong mix of medication.
Try to do things differently. Introduce him to a different store to shop in, or a different dinner, or take him for a drive, let him talk at you, maybe he just wants to tell you stories. Maybe he just wants to 'flap his jaws' for an hour and can't get the attention he wants.
re:
He said he was allergic to the carpeting and felt tightness in his chest while in there. (Just plain anxiety if you ask me). It isn't, if you have an autoimmune disease new carpet smell makes you very ill. i have Multiple Sclerosis, and new carpet gives off fumes that make me deathly ill.
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