She visits three times a week, and stays five hours each time. While she is there, he will not participate in group activities. He also says he does not want to eat lunch because she will not eat with him. Is it fair to ask her not to visit as often, or perhaps stay shorter amount of time?
If your father gets upset or feels unwell, that's different; and in that case it would be worth suggesting to your mother that she might visit at different times of day, or for shorter periods.
But if he enjoys her company and really isn't that bothered about the meal time; if, in fact, he's not coming to any harm at all; then just let them suit themselves. Maybe your mother could take sandwiches with her to share. Or maybe she could be persuaded to give the facility's lunches another try? If they're supposed to be good enough for him, then...?
Unless he has a medical condition that requires him to eat each meal
Unless her visits disrupt the facility
Her visits and the time she spends is pretty low on the scale of priorities.
You do not say how old they are or how long they have been married or if this is a stepmother. But lets say they have been married for 35, 45, 50 years...visiting 3 days a week for 5 hours is a drop in the bucket compared to the lifetime they have had. This had to be just as difficult for her. When you take "those vows" as I recall there is a line...In sickness and in health"... it is difficult to admit that you can not care for someone or have that care taken out of your control. After all no one knows him better than she does so it is hard to believe that someone else can do things better than you can.
If it is just a missed meal 3 times a week and he misses a chance to watch "The Price is Right" or play Wordfind I would not worry about it.
And many facilities charge an unreasonable amount for a spouse to eat a meal with a resident. When my husband was in rehab about 5 years ago I was told I could have a lunch for about $10.00 and for the meals they served that was way over priced. The meals I saw were all pretty unimpressive so skipping a few will do no harm. (again unless there is a medical reason he must eat)
Worse in what way?
15 hours a week isn’t a great deal considering all the other hours they are not with one another. Why are activities more important than being with her? I don’t understand.
Does she take him lunch? Could he keep some ensures in his room for the occasion? I have next to no experience with NH, ALF but I would think they miss each other and are the most comfortable with one another. Sorry if that’s not helpful.
3 lunches missed per week is nothing, if that is the only meal. I bet he eats his dinner better on those days. I would vote to keep your Mother coming on her 3 visits weekly.
RE: not participating in MH activities - seeing your mother is way more important. If they do nothing but hold hands, it's very therapeutic and extremely comforting for Dad. Unless he doesn't want her there - and it seems as if it keeps him stable.
Participate in(most places have a weekly or monthly schedule). And bring her later or earlier that day? What did they used to do together when they were both living in the same place? Tv, cards, listen to music? Maybe having some of those things to do together would be more beneficial that just sitting together.
I'm assuming by worse you mean he's upset either because he's in the facility in the first place or upset when he's left behind when she leaves ? If he's just too upset to eat and is being disruptive when she's there, then the facility might be asking for help, but usually the spouse is a calming influence
It takes a long time to adjust to being in a facility and being denied access to a loved one doesn't necessarily make it easier
DO NOT intervene and minimize their already minimized time together, this is traumatic on both of them and regardless of the memory issues dad has, his love for his wife is still there.
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