He is 79 and the dementia is getting bad. He is mean to her a lot which causes her to react in anger. I have never heard her say anything to him like that and she cries to me all the time that her grandfather doesn't like her. Her and I currently live with my parents and wonder if I need to move out for her safety and well being.
TxCamper, your post reminded me of an incident with the next door neighbors when I moved into my house several decades ago.
They were an elderly couple, probably in their 80's but I don't really know. One day I heard yelling, looked out and saw the wife holding the kind of pole with a hook on the end, the kind fishermen use to hook and bring in fish.
I could tell the male voice was coming from the garage, yelling to be let out. The wife had aimed the pole toward the garage door, ready for action if her husband did escape.
It was so unsettling...I debated calling the police, hating to have to do so on an elderly woman, but I couldn't justify ignoring her threatened attack if he managed to realize there was a side door. So I called.
It was a sad and really unsettling episode of what can happen as some type of dementia sets in.
I would like to add that the weakest elderly person can pinch like nobody's business. I have had the bruises to back up that statement. Also they can swing a cane, stick out their foot and trip and throw things. That's just physical. The emotional damage is just as bad. Five year olds know when something isn't right.
You do need to protect your mother as well. The assisted living suggestion sounds like good advice. They could find a place together or separate, but they would have round the clock care and you could return to being the sweet daughter who comes to visit. Good luck!!
But even if your father is weak and might not be able to harm your daughter, it's the fear he creates, that atmosphere of fear and terror which is affecting your daughter. It's likely traumatizing her in a way that can last a long time. You don't want her to grow up being afraid of men, and at her young age, that may be what she carries with her as she does grow up.
If that happened, your daughter could be removed from your custody and either placed at a county care facility or possibly in a temporary foster home.
I'd start packing right now and be at your sister's house even tonight; come back and get the rest of your things tomorrow, and leave your daughter with your sister.
Alternately, I also think it's advisable to take Babalou's advice and call 911 to get your father into a situation where he can get help. If you're worried about his retaliation against you, or your mother's angst, take your daughter out for awhile and place the call via your cell phone. You don't have to be there when the police come and in fact it might be too traumatic for your daughter.
You would not be over-reacting if you called 911 to have him removed. He is quite clearly a danger to others and probably to himself.
Until you can move out, be careful to explain in ways she is able to comprehend that grandpa is very sick and does not understand the world around him. Especially make sure that you tell her this is not her fault and she is not to blame, and also tell her that because he is so sick grandpa is not to blame either.
If your mother thinks you are overreacting, that leads me to believe that she is not facing up to what she is dealing with. Do your best to source good professional advice for her as soon as possible.
If there are financial issues of finding your own place, seek help through a local women's shelter. If you have to, go to a police station and ask for help in finding temporary shelter.
The sooner you both leave, the better. Your daughter is already displaying signs of trauma.
Is your mother in danger also or is your father directing his hostility only toward your daughter?
How is your mother planning to manage your father in your absence?
Additionally, the thinks she wants to KILL him? Are you saying that you are allowing your 5 year old to interact with a paranoid, delusional person?
Ma'am, you are in danger of losing custody of your child, and for good reason. You are exposing her to potential physical harm, but worse, the psychological harm that this is doing to her psyche and the physical harm it's doing to her brain are enormous. Get out and ask her doctor for a referral to a therapist.
Sorry to be so gruff but dementia can cause people to do things they would never do in their right minds. It can be hard to accept that this is not his fault, it's the dementia. I would not leave unattended with him.
If the medicine doesn't work, then move out immediately. No small child should be subject to that, it could affect her later on in life. Your Dad's dementia is only going to get worse. Have your mother come visit her grand-daughter once you settle in.