Feel like a punching bag, advice?

To be frank I don't bother to try to communicate with toxic people. It never works. Step away from the sister and from Dad as well when the behavior is bad. A matter of "Sorry I have an appointment" or "Sorry; need to leave the phone. Bathtub overflowing". Said often enough they will get the hint. As to their being angry? Apparently that is their "go to setting" so it matters very little. Save yourself. You are worth saving.

No one deserves to be a punching bag, no matter the situation. Leave or hang up each time it happens, don’t provide explanations or justification for your actions. Invite your sister to come do a better job to help her concerns. And above all, protect yourself and guard your own health, both physical and emotional

I think the person not understanding what is involved with Dementia is your sister. Tell her at this point there is nothing you can do. Dad is in Rehab for a reason. His doctors felt thats where he needs to be. The AL may not allow him to return unless he does rehab.

Time to step back. Don't visit as often and if he gets started say goodbye. If he calls, don't answer. The Caregiver always gets the nasty side.

Get the geriatric psychiatrist who services the rehab to pay a visit to dad and follow her/his advice. Likely your dad needs meds for anxiety and agitation.

I would tell him and your sister that it's up to the doctor, not you and not him, whether he gets to go back to AL.

This is out of your control; please tell them so and walk away or hang up if they become vitriolic or abusive.

And yes, read Townsend and Cloud's wonderful book on Boundaries!

You need to find ways to deal with your father's - and probably sister's - inappropriate behavior when it happens. I suggest that you need to start setting boundaries. Please consider reading any of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud. They outline a good plan for dealing with problem behaviors. You might want to consider a few sessions with a therapist as your make your "boundary plan" and implement it. It helps to have objective and supportive input from a professional.

Your father also appears to be experiencing a lot of anxiety and frustration. He is probably scared and it trying to exert control over his circumstances. Unfortunately, he has decided in his mind that you are responsible when actually it was his weakness and fall that caused his rehab stay. Please talk to his doctor about evaluation for dementia and mental health issues. He might benefit from a mild anti-anxiety medication while you are also implementing your "boundary plan."

Set some boundaries, limit visits and phone calls. As soon as the tirade begins leave or hang up. You do not have to take every call from your sister either.

Everyone not taking on the responsibilities you have are critics. Let them take a turn.

Both of my parents despised rehab but it was necessary. My mother and I had a poor relationship until I took some advice and let her have a chance to miss me. Now she is a completely different person. I used to leave her apartment angry and in tears.

We have to teach people how to treat us.

Walk away when he is ugly. Tell him you will see him when he's in a better mood. Hang up if he's ugly on the phone. Record one of his tirades and play it for your sister.
Life is too short to deal with toxic people, even if they are blood relatives. Hugs to you sweetie for putting up with his BS.

I am sorry you are going through that. I know it is tramatic and stress inducing. Ive been in your situation.
Unfortunately the only one who is going to change the dynamics is you. They enjoy using you as a verbal punching bag. They dont have to change. You allow it. You are going to have to stand up for yourself better. That is the only way it will change. I think you are around 2 narcissists/bullies and have been your whole life.
You have to stop the abuse. Stop feeling guilty bc you are standing up for yourself. You will get less abuse if you do, but it will get worse before it gets better, bc they have been allowed to abuse you, and arent going to like the new you. They don't feel bad after dumping on you. Punching bag days are over. Keep repeating that in your head. As much as you need to.
I would do 1 visit. If your dad starts in on you, I would say I'm done putting up with this blame and abuse. Walk out immediately. Stop giving them free room in your head. Only YOU can do that. Keep telling yourself that is what normal people do in reality. They don't take abuse. If a stranger were yelling at you, would you take that? No you wouldn't. So why take it from your family? Oh that's different. No it isnt.
Your dad is being taken care of. He doesn't need you there. That is what staff is for. He will be ok when you walk out. You need less contact. If you want to know, call the nurse's desk. Tell them you can't take the abuse. They can call you when he has been moved back. You need to walk out every time he does that.
I would also call his doc and say you think he I'd depressed bc of the constant abuse/complaining. That is the way depression comes out in folks too. Doc can change his meds.
As for your sister she can go there herself. If she wants info she can call the nurses. She is an adult and can get the info from him. He obviously has a phone to call you. She can call him.
Block her, or if you don't have the guts to do that yet, screen calls and don't return them. She'll figure it out. A normal adult would block her texts if she got abusive. That is what healthy normal people do. Do you think Dr Phil takes abuse from his guests on the show? No he says we're done here. That's how healthy normal people react. You need to learn that. It will take time. You didn't know healthy. Now you will.
I think the dynamics have always been bad. You are the scapegoat in the family. You need to break the cycle. Narcs won't. They like abusing. They have trained you to feel guilty. Do you think the staff tolerates that? No they don't. That is the normal reaction.
I had the same. For awhile you will feel tremendous guilt. Remember you have been programmed to not stand up to that. You are going to tell yourself, this is what normal healthy people do. Not take abuse. Every time you feel guilty tell yourself I'm not going to do that. It is abnormal. And say I'm doing normal now. I have even said that to myself and my family. I even told them Im no longer doing crazy. They even teased me about that. But I still walked away. They knew they have sick dynamics. I did not respond. It is ABUSE. It is always ABUSE. It did get better but it took time. Don't be surprised when they both try to gang up on you. It's what narcs do. Then you won't be around. You aren't taking abuse.
Only you can change the dynamics. A fake apology then complaining should get the person hung up on, or you walk. EVERY TIME. NO EXEPTIONS.
Your husband can't fix your messed up family. Only you can change how you react. That's why he doesn't really do much. You need to.
Unfortunatly your family will always be sick. How you react must change. If you are longing for a normal family. its not there, never was. It hurts but it's the truth. I still morn what never was. It did get better but it took time.
Isnt it funny around staff, strangers, friends they can be normal and charming? So they do know how to behave. They can knock it off. You must make them. Good luck.

I remember a few years ago when I called my sister as I left my parents house to go home for a few days. I told her that I was tired of driving home crying every single time I departed from my mother. And I said that over and over for the next several years as I continued to be the daughter who helped mom and continued to be on the receiving end of her hateful comments and remarks. Year after year, I took her to her doctors appointments without fail every 2 to 3 months and eventually monthly or more. Her appointments with the specialists were 3 hours from her house and her house was 2.5 hours from mine. The drive time alone was enough to make me tired.
Add emotional abuse to the equation and you can deduct that my mental state was almost to the breaking point and progressing. I stayed the course for 15 years. I raised a teenager in the process, although my daughter's needs always came in second to my parents. If I could change that now as I reflect, I certainly would.
Eventually my mom, who is completely sane and fully aware, drove me to a mental breakdown and I finally walked away from the situation. My sister, who had made it her business to not be available ever, has recently moved closer to my mother. Because I know she is nearer, I have let that be my crutch when I feel guilty or somehow wrong for coming back to my home and going back to work and my own hobbies and projects. I am still adjusting and coping with the bruises, but I am seeing a counselor who helps me maintain my absence from that toxic relationship which continues to be the source of my pain and sorrow.
I often question myself and feel guilt. I have kept my distance for 11 months now and spent Thanksgiving away from my family for the first time in years. I plan to do the same at Christmas.
This holiday has been the most stress-free, comfortable, and non-toxic since my mother was diagnosed with diabetes 20 years ago. Today I feel better. There is a healing that is taking place and it feels way better than feeling abused and beat up day after day and month after month. I can live with this.

If I hear from my DH that his mom needs to be forgiven for her over the top nastiness to me ONE MORE TIME, I am going to slap him.

Yes, at 91, she's miserable and cranky. Never says ANYTHING nice or kind to me.

BUT, this isn't 'new'..this has been how she'd been for 46 years to me.

I walked out her door 2 years and have not looked back. DH is mad at me every time he guiltily goes to see her. "If you'd just come with me, it'd be easier". Yeah, it would b/c she would spend the entire hour reminding me how much I have disappointed her and ruined DH's life. He has NEVER stood up for me.

Enough was enough. My last 'conversation' with her had her asking me when my cancer was going to come back. (I was still pretty bald at the time). Really? I said I was sorry for HER that I didn't die, and then walked out, telling her I was giving her the last gift I'd ever give her--I would never see her again.

And I haven't.