As many of you may know that I have been a caregiver for my mom for over a year. I have changed a lot emotionally and physically speaking and it has affected my professional and social life immensely. As a result, I have no social life and a professional life anymore. My brother got angry because mom decided with reluctance to go back to physical therapy for her hip and leg. He said that mom always does things every time when I have to go back to work as a tax temp. He says that she should have been going to therapy all this time I have been off and that he won't take off to take her once I be back to work in a couple of months. Life isn't fair. I sometimes blame my parents for not wanting to care for themselves. They are from the old country and they believe that their children are to serve them and must forgo their lives. I am through explaining to my friends that I can no longer make plans ahead of time of any outings. People stop inviting me to social gatherings. I have become more antisocial than before. All I want to do is go to sleep and take a hot bubble bath.
I have friends and family that just DO NOT GET IT that I cannot run off and leave her alone. I am grateful to be asked to come on vacations or asked "when are you coming over to see us" but I have also had friends that want to come here on vacation and stay at my home. I try to explain to them that I cannot do this but they completely do not get it. Mom is use to everything being done the same and the same people in the house every day, change everything and all hell breaks loose! I actually lost a long time friendship over this very issue. People just do not get it and they never REALLY LISTEN to what you are going through or how difficult your situation is. I thought this only happened with young people, but it has no age limitations.
When I even try to go on vacation for two weeks during the summer, I have a very difficult time as my sister who lives with us would have to take over care, only she doesn't want to so there is normally a huge fight right before vacation. It amazes me that although she lives in this house she feels no compunction to lift a finger to help with Mom's care. I am POA so I am being punished by having everything dumped on me.
I wish I could tell you how to cure this problem for you, but honestly everyone seems to think of themselves and not put themselves in the shoes of the other person, so they don't understand. In a way that is good because they can bring you a bit of the "outside world." You would not be so happy to see them if they came and spoke of nothing other than your sad situation... you would be depressed and want them to leave!
Take care, we understand what you are dealing with!
sadly this isnt a game. to me the purpose of a friend is to pool our resources and watch out for each other. i had a female " friend " . i could come over when she needed me and punch list everything that was falling apart at her place but she couldnt take my dying mother out for a sandwich or a ride. i have another female friend who would walk a thousand miles across glass when i need help. only one remains. was it wise to ditch the former one? yea, she wasnt a friend she was / is a self-centered loser.
its taught me to listen to people in a more proactive ( ? ) way. you cant comfort someone unless you understand their concerns.
actually its much worse with the phsyc doc. he met me for the first time and after 50 minutes made an entry in my file that i had poor insight and poor judgement. perhaps.. but i dont have a prematurely bald head with black moles competing for real estate all over it. ( jerk )
When I explained to my first therapist how my husband acts, she told me he had oppositional defiance disorder and ought to be on Meds.
Not that she's ever met him or, as a social worker, is competent to diagnose such things.
Needless to say, I found another therapist before the second session.
Compared to so many, I reckon this "friend" had it easy. Now in her late 60's she's bound and determined to just have a good time, has no time or patience for anyone who isn't upbeat and makes her laugh. She spends hours with her dogs at a dog park every day and the rest of her time shopping while her house falls down around her ears. Sad, but each to their own I suppose.
Speaking for myself, it's not really my nature to fill this role of caregiver to my elderly mother who has dementia. I'm grateful for the miracle which allows it. And the truth is that just to get through an average day pushes me to my limits. When an emergency comes up, it stresses me out and then for days afterward I'm in a post-traumatic state. Try explaining THAT to anyone who hasn't been through it.
What gets me through is to compassionately detach from the emotional hooks which come in these situations and to offer everything I do to God. So my attitude is that I'm not doing this stuff for an ungrateful old lady and I'm not just doing my duty; I am performing a service without expectation of return. Amen.
I do know that somehow, someway, caregivers must get out and do fun things. Living with continual decline in someone we care about takes a toll on us mentally and emotionally. We must do our best to engage in conversation about other things than what we do 24/7. It's not always easy, because it's what we do and who we are at this time. Thankfully we've got this site for mourning, venting, sharing, and even laughing.
Hold on to as much as you can ... of your work, your friends, your loved ones. After I immersed myself in my mom's care and then her complicated estate for my absent siblings, it feels like everyone moved on. It's Saturday night and I'm reading this blog alone at home, sitting in the quiet night. Thought I had friends and plans, but they evaporated.
It's hard to do, but my best advice is to try hard to keep a bit of your own life alive. Try to find common interests with non-caregivers, otherwise they may move on to those who do share their interests.
Something I am continually trying to revive now that I'm back on my own again.
Best wishes to you!
I really don't have much time for a social life either, so I know where you are coming from. I do however, still have my best friends and I think that it's important to note that your true friends will always be your true friends, even if you have to pick up the friendship later on. Even if you have to email rather than get together to have a chat. Best of luck to you!!
Unfortunately, I think many of them would point out above all that - you can't. But that you should do it anyway, first taking your time to find a facility that would provide him with activities he enjoys, such as cooking. There are very good memory care units, it doesn't have to be the end of everything. Do post a question, I'm sure it would really help. Best of luck x
I get anxious, too, about how much I'm letting slide - friendships, study, work. On the other hand - this is temporary, you know. God willing there will be life beyond care-giving. Some of the things we want will wait, or I certainly hope so.
Re your paid work being compromised by your mother's sudden decision that she MUST get on with her PT, though - hooey. If she wants to pull a stunt like that successfully she'll have to be a lot less transparent about it. Call her bluff. If the PT could wait 'til now, it can wait 'til you've finished your projects. Seize the moment, tell her you're delighted she wants to resume PT, take her for now, see how she gets on, do maintenance exercises with her at home (personally I have to stand over my mother with an axe to get her to do any, but perhaps your mother's in more co-operative mood), and then schedule future appointments only for times when it's convenient for you to take her. If she really does commit and makes progress, maybe your brother will soften? But don't give up paid employment for a ruse, whatever you do.
Your good friends will keep inviting you even if you have cancelled on them at short or no notice. The ones who don't get it and just think you're being unreliable..? Well, if you still like them, you can hope for their sakes that they never have their eyes opened. I tell all friends and family to expect us when they see us, and if they don't like it they haven't said so. I've given up being embarrassed about sudden no-shows - there's nothing you can do about it, and feeling bad about it just doesn't help anyone. This too will pass...
He has his bad days and his good days. But he's angry most of the time. It seems like nothing and no one pleases him. He can't be left alone for long periods of time, so I need to stay close. He yells a lot, mostly at himself or his pain...but also at me. It's getting harder and harder to just let it roll off. He also never wants to go to bed. So getting a normal night sleep hasn't happen for months. He is non-weight-bearing, using a power chair for mobility. It is taxing on me to help him transfer back and forth from the bed to the chair. He is also totally incontinent and is non-compliant with his care. If I say anything to my family, I get told that he needs to be moved to a facility. It's hard to always get told that. They are probably right. My question is how to transition him to a facility without him being angry? I want him to understand why it's time. How do I know it's time and not just because my sister tells me it is? I want to do what best for him, even though it's difficult for me. We do have a care giver helping around the house. Actually we've gone through several, because he is so difficult to work with. I'm leaving so much information out of this...I could almost write a book. I just need help to do the right thing for me and for him.
I do try to see things in a positive light. I try to be encouraging and not complain or say something that would start a fight. Any suggestions or comments will be appreciated.
Fortunately, this forum is a place where people do understand and there is a lot of support for one another. Take advantage of reading the questions, discussions and answers and you will be strengthened.
My approach is to keep your best friends close by making a special time to be with them and stay interested in how their lives are evolving. Minimize the time spent discussing your difficulties with your friends. There's only so much they can offer to relieve any pressures and stresses you are experiencing. Enjoy their company, laugh often and loud.
As far as your Mom is concerned: I think it's time that you either "piss or get off the pot" meaning take the job so you can get out of her house...