Feel Sorry for Mother But...Can anyone relate?

Good news: brother is moving out of state but he tells me mom has agreed to move with him. He said he will put a small place in his new yard to house her. I verified that she was in agreement with this and she said yes. It won't happen immediately -- lots of details to sort out -- but it's a relief to me knowing that mom will be more closely monitored when it happens.

In the meantime, he may be moving before she does to oversee the details, leaving mom with less nearby support. I've told both to let me know if I can help (she will need to sell her house and there's still a lot to do there) but to be honest I'll be surprised if mom or brother calls -- it's just not what they do. I've tried to be proactive in the past (as I've detailed) but the overtures have always been turned down so I'm staying out of it for now. I do feel that if the move comes to fruition (only some doubt because of all that needs to be done to make it happen and all the possibilities of what "could" happen instead given my mother's physical state) it will be best for my mother and workable for my brother and sister-in-law.

I appreciate their willingness to do what I could never do. It works for them, I think, because my brother is much like my dad was -- and mom can relate to that. Mom and I have been like oil and water for so many years now that I could never have considered having her in my home. I'd be divorced and/or a runaway! While I continue to feel some guilt for not being able to help as much as I think I could as a daughter, I just keep reminding myself that as long as my mother continues to be lucid, she can chose to do as she likes. And that's A-ok.

Thanks for listening and any feedback or observations are welcome!

Do your research and have some places in mind for when the time comes. At this point she still gets to make decisions for herself even if they are bad ones or ones that will greatly inconvenience others. This is why you need to have a Plan B ready. She will have an 'event' that will no longer allow her to live alone and at that time you will have to scramble to find someplace for her (as I said, inconvenient to others). In a perfect world she would move before your brother moves so both of you could work on this together. But we all know she is not thinking about making things easy for anyone else.

Your brother has gone above and beyond. Someone suggesting that he is leaving her high and dry is insane. And don't even get me started on the 'sacrifice' post.

Just talked with Mom yesterday and she brought up the subject of moving (or not, actually) to the AL living place she's interested in. Basically she stated in no uncertain terms that she's not interested in moving there any time soon -- at least as long as COVID is an issue. Let's see...she says the food is terrible because they are serving each meal in styrofoam containers and she can't imagine what kind of food that could be served that way (interesting to me how she determined the food is terrible because of the way it's served). And residents have to go pick up their food from the dining room and she can't carry it because of her cane/walker (they will deliver, but for a fee which she doesn't think is right). And no one can socialize. And if you leave to go to the doctor, etc., you have to isolate for 14 days (meanwhile, mom had her housecleaner over -- no masks and the housecleaner regularly babysits her grandkids).

The good news is this week she had a shot from a pain doctor that has made her leg feel somewhat better. She said she felt good enough to go to the pharmacy and walk around inside.

I'm glad she's feeling better -- and told her so. I just wish our phone calls didn't end up being a good part of her venting/negativity. I can only take so much of it. In the past when I've told her this she says her friends all say they are amazed at how positive she is. ????!!??

Obviously the bottom line is mom's going to do what she wants when she wants. I think I need to do my best not to worry about what-ifs related to her. This is not the way I would approach things, but that's me and she's who she is. I'll still talk with my brother about what he thinks, especially since he's closer and sees her more often, and I can also research places here in my town, but I think we're not there yet in terms of getting my mom to move.

Thoughts?

I do my best to treat my mom as I would like to be treated in her place. But I think this is in part where we are getting off base -- I'm a realist and like to have plans in place as much as possible but she seems to be, as many of you have said, in denial. I go along with all this until it starts to negatively affect me and my family (I can only take so much negative venting, for example) -- then I pull back to center myself.

It sounds like many of you can relate to this.

Knowing how your mother is you have to bypass that. I am sure she has sacrifice for you while raising you. Treat her how you would want to be treated if you were in her position. One way or another this too shall pass. Make the sacrifice💙

It sounds like your mom may be depressed. Moving to an assisted living (not independent) might be the right thing to do at this point in time. She would have socialization and you would have peace of mind that she was being watched and helped. The Covid vaccine is here, and it sounds like her plan was to do this. Best wishes.

Don't know if this suggestion will help, it's what helped get MIL to move out of her home and with husband and me. Little back story 91 yo MIL had major heart attack, chf /afib beginnings of vascular dementia, needed care, meals meds ect. Lived in the home she was born in so it was like needing a crowbar to get her out of there. We sat down with her and told her that her house could no longer take care of her. Showed her what the cost would be to upgrade, repair, replace needed items. Sometimes they think things cost much less than what they do, ie a new furnace should only be around $500. If repairs are needed brother will not be able to do them in the future, he's moving, you live too far away to come running if something major breaks down that needs immediate attention (if she'll even tell you when it happens). Upkeep is too much for her to do by herself and wouldn't it be nice to go somewhere that she wouldn't need to worry about all of that work. Ask her if she would rather stay in her town or move closer to you so you can come visit her more often and get her out and about (once restrictions are lifted). Sell the house, listen to the realtor as far as minor repairs and updates to help it sell quicker, fresh neutral paint, deep cleaning on all floors, windows washed. Had to sell MIL home as is, but we removed all the carpets revealing hardwood floors that needed refinishing, did wonders for any old odors trapped in the home. Cleared everything out of the basement, scrubbed concrete floors to freshen it up. Not easy, but a labor of love. Home did sell as is, and people who bought it let her come see it when they were finished.
Could it be that not only is she depressed but also scared of a future without brother being near to help out? Good luck, it's not easy.

If your brother is leaving the area, it's time to step up the in home visits from someone. Housekeeper w/more hours to come in each day for observation and tidy up the place. Start ordering her groceries online and have them delivered on day you have someone in the home helping mom.

If her finances don't allow to pay for care like this, you need to be talking to your brother. I mean, if she talks with him more often - and he's been around more - maybe he's the one to chat with mom about changes that need to happen. As in someone needs to come in each day (and that would increase in hrs as she needs it) or the house needs to go on the market now while he's still in town so she can afford to move to assisted living.

Once brother is gone, this situation (even if she maintains her abilities awhile) is an accident waiting to happen.

Momsoldest, I don't want to add worries to your situation but, I read where mom thinks having a phone on her is sufficient in case of a fall.

We had an elderly sister at church that believed the same thing. Making it terribly sad for her husband when he found her body. She had fallen, outside, on a 100°+ day and could not reach the phone as it was under her injured body. From all indications she would not have died lying in the hot sun for hours if she had a fall alert device that contacts help when a fall is detected.

I hope that you can convince your mom that it is better to be a bit obsessive about safety then to be very sorry.

You and your family are doing a wonderfully job. Well done!

It might be good to focus on what you can do yourself, and if possible find two simple options for mother to consider. The paperwork comes first – get it all set up, check with her that the details are OK, then get her to sign (with witnesses as required). Don’t expect her to organise it.

Next comes a discussion with brother about options you both think will work – or options one of you objects to. If possible, you need to avoid later disagreements with brother when you can’t talk face to face and he has lots of issues of his own to cope with. If you can, start the conversation yourself with what you think are reasonable ways to go. Allow time for thought and follow-up.

Then give mother the two best options, and ask what she would prefer. If she won’t choose, ask if she has other suggestions, otherwise you’ll talk again in a week’s time and she can choose then.

When you have one (or even two) options on the table, make a list of what can be done in advance. If an option involves downsizing, mother can choose what to give away to whom, what would fit into a smaller space, and what she doesn’t care much about (so it can be sold). These are ‘if’ decisions, she doesn’t have to clear everything out now. You might like to make a record with her of the history of special ‘keepers’ or ‘gifts’.

If downsizing will involve selling a house, start checking out real estate agents – their suggestions (do it up, or sell as is), when to sell (Covid, seasonal), their reputations (ask around), their commission rates - ‘free advertising’ but a higher commission rate can be a very bad bargain), auction or listing (or do they already have a list of people looking if it’s a highly desirable area), likely sale price (and be suspicious of the highest estimate, designed to suck you in).

All these things have advantages – they can save a lot of time in an eventual emergency, they start all of you actually looking at the reality of what is going to happen, they break the huge decisions into small bits that are easier to approach, and your mother might find it all quite interesting so long as she doesn't have to take the responsibility.

Start small, allow time, and find interesting ways to approach things. Good luck!

Imho, yes, I hear you. My own mother did not/would not/nor could not engage in conversations towards the end of her life at 94. I had noticed a strangeness when a cousin visited and my mother spoke zero, nothing, nada. She did not engage in the conversation at all. My mother did not suffer from dementia. So yes, I did share your frustration. But remember - this, too, shall pass so perhaps (this may sound bizarre to you) - enjoy it while you can. Prayers sent.

Seems your mother is at peace with others passing and with her own death. Maybe focus more on topics about life, especially her life. Ask her about her childhood, about her current preferences (I like the game "would you rather..." and give for improbable choices and ask why she choice as she did), about what she feels are her most important accomplishments, about what she values in others...

Side note: Since she has mobility issues, does she have helpers round the clock to help with meals, toileting, etc.? If not, it might be time to make arrangements for that type of help.

Thank you for the input. It's useful to hear others' thoughts and perspectives. As you know, sometimes when we are close to a situation we can't see all the possible nuances of it, so your comments are giving me food for thought!

Just to clarify a couple of things:
My mother has said ever since I can remember that she WANTED to move into an assisted living place as opposed to living with my brother or myself. Both my grandmothers lived with my parents at the end of their lives so I think Mom knows how difficult it can be. I remember the stress, too. I am thankful that she feels strongly about this as it's best for all of us.

Second, my brother has been saying for years that he would move to be closer to his child and grandkids when his wife retired, and that's finally happened this year. I don't feel he's abandoning my mother, quite the contrary, he's been pretty responsive to her, particularly since my father died a couple of years ago. He's answered her calls for help to fix all kinds of things around the house (it's 55 years old and will need more and more maintenance) and helped her find a gardener she likes after going through others that she complained about. Honestly, I think my brother's a saint for what he's done, particularly since my dad died. SIL is currently doing all the grocery shopping so both of them have been quite helpful to her and I thank them every chance I get.

I've respected her wishes not to talk about her feelings, which she has never freely expressed over the years (my brother and I agree on this). I only commented to her that it must be tough to lose your long time friends and she said I don't want to talk about it; we haven't. Personally I don't think it's healthy not to talk about these things to some extent, but that's me. She sees her doctor regularly and he says she is pretty healthy, except for severe arthritis that's affected her walking. She has pain, but brushes it aside. Still, she's been getting injections for it -- helps somewhat -- but otherwise will only take OTC medication.

I think the biggest issue for me is one of safety. As I've mentioned, because of the mobility issues, I worry that she's an accident waiting to happen. Two issues come to mind: if something happens, we want to be sure she gets the care she needs as soon as possible. She seems to think that having her phone with her is sufficient, but I'm not so sure...what if she's incapable of making a call or the phone falls out of reach? And if she ends up in the hospital, I understand she may not have a say in where she goes after that and, to me at least, all this is somewhat preventable by making a pro-active decision to move before something happens.

We've talked about alternatives so she could stay at home -- a "Life Alert" service, a roommate, hiring someone to come to the house, but these she's refused the first two and doesn't think she needs the latter (other than a housekeeper that comes once per month). I think she's just hoping to delay it all as long as possible, but then we get into the circular thinking of the above.

I realize Independent/Assisted Living places are not necessarily the wonderful places they advertise. On the other hand, she would at least be physically checked on more regularly than now, would not be impeded from doing what she does (watch TV, make a few meals, go to the doctor/pharmacy). She doesn't go outside at all now if she doesn't have to. She can have her cat with her. And maybe when the danger of COVID-19 eventually lifts she can find a bridge game again!

I don't think it's unkind to be prodding her to move now while she's not absolutely needing it. I've read your stories of your experiences and heard plenty of others. I don't have a problem with "what will be will be" except to the extent that if it leads to a miserable problem(s) that could have been avoided.

My mom is almost 95 yrs old. She is on hospice for end stage chf. She also has breast cancer and skin cancer that has spread and a pace maker battery that is on its last legs. She has a spiritual advisor who she sees every other week from hospice. My mother NEVER talks about death or the deaths of other loved ones. She is completely in the present and tunes us out if we talk about others who have passed. My mother is still of sound mind and lives in her own home. It is frustrating for me, because I have to pretend she is not dealing with end of life situations. I understand these things because I have cancer and I have faced death. I am a realist. My mother is in denial. We are like oil and water. I’ve been caring for her for 10 yrs now. It has been a very frustrating experience. She has her ways and I have mine. Acceptance is the way to deal with her. It’s never easy when caring for her someone else.

It sounds like your Mom is very sad and is not able to reach out. Just love her where she is...also love yourself, it is painful to see a person you love suffer so much. Give yourself compassion, as well.

Your mom is very depressed bc her friends died. And you want to stir up all those feelings? Why? That just reminds her of her impending mortality! The ending won't change. They have died. Lets out of nowhere, remind mom she feels bad and she's next. And has very deep feelings for their deaths. And you go tromping thru the forest of her emotions like its no big deal. Its no big deal to you. It was her friends. Ugh. What is the point but to stir up BAD feelings????? How horrible! And then you dont like her reaction???? How insensitive. You bring it up, but its like a knife to her heart.
And then you have informed her, her son is moving far away, so she's got to hurry and sell her house and move. Its like shoving her face in the fact she is old and needs to be dealt with like she's a problem. We need to handle this now, Running out of time. No one is going to be around you any more. Your old. Gotta get this done. And we are living our lives Moving on.
No wonder she doesn't care. What can she say? I can't wait to be shoved off to the death house?
Cant your brother wait a bit before he leaves? What is his hurry? Is he really moving as to not get stuck taking mom in because she is close to that time where she will need more help? I find the timing suspicious and convenient. Especially with covid and the job market. You said yourself- I think if he moves, he won't get stuck taking her in after a fall.

Perhaps you can say mom- I want to move you closer to me. That way I can visit and you are cared for. At least she won't be 6hrs away from the nearest relative. Make it positive. At least she's not being told yet again son is moving away. He doesn't care, you'll be all alone. Time to dump you in the care facility. No one around to help you. That sounds wonderful doesnt it? Sounds like no one cares. No wonder she is depressed. I would say anyone would be. What can she answer back that is positive? Nothing. And she is saying it to irritate you?? Your not the problem to be dealt with. She is.
What sounds better. Mom I'm moving you closer to me so I know your ok, and I can visit. Or we have to sell your house as fast as possible and shove you in a home. Brother is moving away to live his life. No more visits from him. He's done with you.
Mom is depressed. Has anyone taken her to a doctor? Helped her depression in any way? With depression you dont want to eat, or get out of bed. Nothing holds your interest. Your in a black hole you cant climb out of. You dont even want to get dressed. And you want her to hurry up and make major life decisions immediately. Hmmm. And your irritated.
See it from her point of view?
Id get her to the doctor.

Your Mom sounds very depressed. She is near the end of her life, living alone, husband and some friends deceased. The comments she makes are not to irritate you but are an expression of that depression. Compassion and patience are needed.

1st of all at 90 yes old, your mom deserves to talk or not talk about whatever she pleases.

It's a good thing to take everything with a grain of salt.

It's fine that she doesn't want to talk about her friends dying and it's great that she doesn't care about her end of life remains. She knows,, When you're gone your gone and you won't know anything anyway as your dead.
Thus que said whatever will be will be attitude which I think is Awesome.

You on the other hand seem to want to talk about dreary things like her friends dying, what she wants done when she dies, what's she going to do when your brother as her handi man moves. Ect

You are the one that wants to talk about it, she doesn't so talk to your brother about it.

For now, let her live her life in her own home as long as she can as she'll be just as safe, probably safer in her own home and
I know she'll be much happier in her own home.

Senior places may look nice and the people tell you what you want to hear but they are not a good place.
Seniors are bored, sad, feel unloved, scared , depressed and usually lose their will to live.

Senforcement homes are always understaffed.

The only Senio Places that are OK is if you have your mental faculties and if you live in an apartment where you are able to do what you want.

If your mom is capable of living in an Senior Apartment then she's capable of living in her own home, if thst's what she wants to do.

She can fall just as easily at a Senior Apartment as her home.

So, your brother won't be moving for another 6 months so you'll have plenty of time to think .

Onot thing right now you should adk your mom is if she would prefer to live in her own home or a Senior Apartment, then proceed accordingly.

You should have your brother install cameras in mom's home as a safety measure and put handrails by the toilet and tub/shower.

I chose Nest Cameras for my Dad's house as they are easy enough to install and work great and it's a relief to me that I can check in on him anytime 24 7 to make sure how he is doing.

When your brother leaves, you'll only need to hire someone to do things that are an emergency.

Your mom can use smaller trash bags and put them out fir trash by using her Walker as that's what my Dad did.

Your mom can have her groceries delivered.

I use Walmart fir my Dad and it only cost $99 a year and I can order as many times a week as I want as long as my Oder is at least $35 and it's charged to a credit card and you never get in contact with the delivery person as they just leave it on your front porch.

My Dad used his walker that has a seat on it to carry things around.

He would fix himself an easy microwaveable meal and put the plate on his seat of his walker and steadily walk away to the kitchen table.

You can always have a Caregiver drop by a couple hours once a day or once a week.

When she's too old to drive, she can take an umber.

She


You on the other hand

My story is a little different. My Mom had the sudden onset of psychosis/dementia at a rather early age and completely out of the blue after her last living sibling passed from a heart attack just before New Years. By March my Mom (who lives 300 miles away from me) was sending me insane emails. Mid April I got the call that she had been placed on the geriatric/psych ward at our local hospital back home. She got out after a month then ran me off, my brother came in and things basically went to hell. Mom ended up back in the hospital again and I had to go through court to get guardianship of her so that I could deal with her things. The hospital would not release her until I had lined up a place for her because she could NOT go home and live alone anymore. I found notes where she had written "check on AL in the area" and "make a will," things like that. She never did. It was a living hell, one I wish on no one. Just recently I shared this little list with my friends on Facebook and wanted to share it here. I wish you all the best as you continue on this journey.
A majority of retirees — 53% — have a last will and testament. But most lack six other crucial legal documents.
32% have a power of attorney or medical proxy, which allows designated people to make medical decisions on the retiree’s behalf.
30% have an advance directive or living will, which communicates their end-of-life medical preferences to health care providers.
28% have designated a power of attorney to make financial decisions on their behalf.
19% have written funeral and burial arrangements.
18% have filled out a Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) waiver, which allows designated people to speak to health care and insurance providers on the retiree’s behalf.
11% have a trust.
The study highlights a gap that retirees need to fill if they want to be properly prepared for the end of their lives.

I haven't read every single post, so I hope i am not repeating too much. It sounds to me that your mother has the ability - I find it a good one - to be a realist about things, accept them and move on. She doesn't see the point in putting energy or time into discussing sad things that are over and done with. Also, she is of the generation where "feelings" were simply not discussed. She knows her old friends are going to die; it isn't a shock to her as it would have been when she was younger. She had kind of pre-accepted the pain that she knew was coming from losing those people. Be glad that she isn't a grieving, moaning depressed person. She will have to face moving, but to me she sounds like a very strong and impressive woman.

At 90 years old, your mom deserves the right to talk about what she wants to talk about and it's not the depressive things you want to talk about. Her death, her friends death, brother moving away, ect ect. No wonder she doesn't call you, I'm sure she thinks you don't Iike talking to her.

When you call her, which should be a Well Check call every day, just have a nice 5 min chat ask her how she feels, if she needs anything from the grocery store, has she watched a good show lately and tell her something about yourself and what you might be doing that day.

Be sure to keep it casual.

You should be happy that your mom doesn't care regarding her funeral and let you handle it whichever way you want. Cremation is what have chosen fir my Dad because it hurts less when you don't have to see them in a casket. The Loved One dies, you call and the body is picked up and within a month, you'll receive the ashes to keep, bury or cast over land or water, whatever you want.

As far as your mom saying que sada

It is hard to bond with someone that we can only discuss superficial things like the weather. I would do my best to accept the situation. I have a similar relationship with my mom.

Still, a person of your mom’s age isn’t going to be independent forever.

You said it you, she is an accident waiting to happen. It’s past time for her to be a facility.

Both of you deserve peace of mind. There are many nice assisted living facilities and if more care is needed you can look into a suitable nursing home.

Wishing you and your mom all the best as you prepare for her future.

Now, if dealing with Mom is not enough -- brother's only child was just diagnosed with invasive breast cancer and will be starting numerous rounds of chemo, etc. Seems to me it's more imperative to get Mom settled safely. I'll see about getting with my brother and SIL after they get back to strategize how best to move this forward. I hate to say it, but I'll be surprised if Mom agrees to move.

If she is mentally capable of making decisions then I assume we can't "make" her she move -- just do our best to persuade her. I was thinking one of her main sticking points was money, but my husband and I sat down and figured out a rough estimate of what she could sell her house for and that, along with her savings should be just enough for a reasonable AL (and the one she's interested in) for a number of years in her town. Of course if she needs more help sooner rather than later, that's another issue. How does that work if they run out of money down the line -- do they kick them out? don't pay as much attention to them??

I wish I weren't such a worrywart about these things!

Now, if dealing with Mom is not enough -- brother's only child was just diagnosed with invasive breast cancer and will be starting numerous rounds of chemo, etc. Seems to me it's more imperative to get Mom settled safely. I'll see about getting with my brother and SIL after they get back to strategize how best to move this forward. I hate to say it, but I'll be surprised if Mom agrees to move.

If she is mentally capable of making decisions then I assume we can't "make" her she move -- just do our best to persuade her. I was thinking one of her main sticking points was money, but my husband and I sat down and figured out a rough estimate of what she could sell her house for and that, along with her savings should be just enough for a reasonable AL (and the one she's interested in) for a number of years in her town. Of course if she needs more help sooner rather than later, that's another issue. How does that work if they run out of money down the line -- do they kick them out? don't pay as much attention to them??

I wish I weren't such a worrywart about these things!

Thanks for the input, MJ1929 -- some good suggestions to consider!

My Mom is quite opinionated and likes to be in control, which is interesting given my dad was the one always in charge (at least on the surface). The moment my dad died my mom took over everything from arranging to get the yard cleaned up -- she had complained my dad didn't care how it looked -- to cleaning out most of the stuff in the house. She tried to direct my husband to do this and do that, but it didn't go over well. Haha! So when you ask about my brother, well, he just lets her do what she wants and if she tells him to do something he doesn't want to do he says no, call someone else. I've talked to him about the things I mentioned above and he just shakes his head and says she's not going to change, she's going to do what she wants. But on the other hand I suggested he talk with Mom about selling her place before he sells his so she can get settled in the particular assisted living place she wanted before he moved, and he thought that was a good idea. Unfortunately Covid has put that on a hold -- she won't consider moving while it's raging. He's in agreement that a fall would be problematic but it doesn't seem to weigh on his mind like it does mine.

I think sometimes, like you suggest, that Mom doesn't want to make the big decisions but then it feels like she wants to make them all herself. She did in fact tell me once a few months ago, in a heated discussion, that as long as she was capable she was making all the decisions. Sorry, I'm all over the map on this! Like I said, I think with some of this she preys on my feelings of empathy and says things on purpose to try to provoke me. I vacillate between feeling sorry for her and her situation and wanting to run far, far away! Lately I've been doing my utmost to ignore her provocations.

Thanks for the input, MJ1929 -- some good suggestions to consider!

My Mom is quite opinionated and likes to be in control, which is interesting given my dad was the one always in charge (at least on the surface). The moment my dad died my mom took over everything from arranging to get the yard cleaned up -- she had complained my dad didn't care how it looked -- to cleaning out most of the stuff in the house. She tried to direct my husband to do this and do that, but it didn't go over well. Haha! So when you ask about my brother, well, he just lets her do what she wants and if she tells him to do something he doesn't want to do he says no, call someone else. I've talked to him about the things I mentioned above and he just shakes his head and says she's not going to change, she's going to do what she wants. But on the other hand I suggested he talk with Mom about selling her place before he sells his so she can get settled in the particular assisted living place she wanted before he moved, and he thought that was a good idea. Unfortunately Covid has put that on a hold -- she won't consider moving while it's raging. He's in agreement that a fall would be problematic but it doesn't seem to weigh on his mind like it does mine.

I think sometimes, like you suggest, that Mom doesn't want to make the big decisions but then it feels like she wants to make them all herself. She did in fact tell me once a few months ago, in a heated discussion, that as long as she was capable she was making all the decisions. Sorry, I'm all over the map on this! Like I said, I think with some of this she preys on my feelings of empathy and says things on purpose to try to provoke me. I vacillate between feeling sorry for her and her situation and wanting to run far, far away! Lately I've been doing my utmost to ignore her provocations.

Since Mom has relied on brother and his wife to do certain things for her, how does he think she is now going to do them for herself. I just don't see how he could leave her high and dry. I am not saying he does not have the right to live his life and maybe he feels he has done enough but he needs to set up the resources that will take his place.

I agree, you and brother need to get Mom settled somewhere before he moves out of state. And it should be an Assisted living she is passed independent living. She can no longer live on her own. With an AL you know she is getting 3 meals a day. Some provide transportation to Drs. and shopping. She will have other people to socialize with, activities and entertainment. You can mail her anything she needs thats not provided.

Yes, both u and brother need to tell her there now are no options. She will need to move to an AL. She will not be able to be on her own without the support brother and wife gave her. Hopefully brother will stay long enough for Moms house to sell (at Market Value if ever the need for Medicaid) and get her settled in an AL.

This probably won't be easy. Maybe an impartial person can talk to her. Maybe she would listen to ur SIL. Maybe brother can take her around to some ALs. Have lunch there.

Good luck and come back and tell us how it all worked out.

Great. So her main support system is moving away, with no more responsibility for helping his mother, and she doesn't give a flying fig about making ANY decisions for herself. That leaves YOU holding the entire bag and being 'wrong' no matter WHAT you say or do! Welcome to the club of having very difficult, control-freak mother's who want things done THEIR way or the highway. They want to lay their burdens on US and then blame US when things don't go perfectly! I know all about it b/c I have one of those mothers, except she'll be 94 in January.

If you don't move your mother into Assisted Living NOW, she is going to fall b/c she is already unsteady on her feet and probably way too stubborn to use a walker or even a cane. Right? So she falls, breaks a hip, a femur, something.........goes to the hospital and then to rehab, where they refuse to release her back to independent living.

That's when the poop hits the fan. B/c then, YOU have to scramble like a madwoman to sell her home to finance her stay in Assisted Living, which should have happened BEFORE the crisis took place. But, with stubborn old parents, the crisis has to happen FIRST. It did with my parents. That's how I can tell you this scenario, it happened to ME.

Your mother needs a decision made FOR her, like my mother does. Otherwise, they beat around the bush and deny everything, or they don't want to talk about reality, and leave everything for another day. Meaning it becomes OUR PROBLEM.

Assisted Living places ARE accepting new residents now. Especially considering the vaccine is coming out very soon and will be given out to everyone, opening the entire industry back up. NOW is the time to find her a place, gather brochures, etc. Get her house on the market, whatever is required. Otherwise, you will both likely face the scenario I mentioned above, like many, many of us here on Aging Care have faced ourselves. It's not fun.

So, unless you're like me and want to run away to Europe somewhere w/o leaving a forwarding address, think about how to formulate Plan A, Plan B and Plan C. Because you're not going to move to Europe, and neither am I, so YOU will be left holding the bag here, as I am, since I have no siblings to even help me. I'm it. My dad died after I placed them both in AL in 2014, and my mother has been there ever since, fighting me tooth and nail, arguing every single word I say to her. She's in Memory Care now with moderate dementia which only makes the arguing that much worse.

But I know she's safe. And she's not living in MY house, and that's what matters.

Wishing you good luck and Godspeed moving forward with all you have on your plate. It's a lot, I know. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace. Oh, and a prayer that your mother is SOMEWHAT reasonable throughout. A long shot, I know.

Before my mother moved to MC, she had an answer or an argument for EVERYTHING. Still does. They SOUNDED like logical arguments, but they really weren’t. We just gave up and moved her. In her case, she was terrified and would not have dealt well with people coming in to help. In your mom’s case, she may not be safe. If she isn’t, I would say that she doesn’t get to be the total decision maker. This could lead to a tragedy. You’ll find lots of options on this forum.
Colleen

Do you have an advance directive. Medical forms that list what she wants and how. She doesn't have to fill out the whole thing, just what she feels is important. You don't have to have a long discussion. Just ask from the form, each question.

All the best