I'm a daughter, and while I'm not the only child, I have been the caregiver for my folks -- the one who has looked out for them through some really difficult circumstances. Years ago, we had a family financial/legal issue that drove me crazy and gave me such dread, I was so worried for my folks -- and I felt my folks were enabling some really terrible behavior. I felt so much resentment about that. Thank God, the situation has long passed and so has my resentment, but in the midst of the troubles, these two experiences happened with me and my elderly parents, and they cause me so much guilt and remorse:
1) Years ago, I was caring for my mom (who was in the hospital and needed me to come pick her up) and my dad (who was at home, with dementia). I had to get Dad ready to go with me to pick Mom up from the hospital (and bring them back, so I could go to work), and Dad was having a very argumentative and angry morning, and wouldn't move (to get dressed). He was standing and refusing to budge, and in exasperation, I said, "Come on, Dad", and slapped him in the side so that he would move and get dressed. I didn't hurt him, but surprised him.
2) Again, years ago, while arguing with my mom (who is alert and no dementia) about a dreadful financial situation I felt she was enabling, we got into a terrible argument, and I slapped her (thankfully not hurting her). I didn't recall this until I was reading through an old journal, and, again, it has compounded my guilt.
I was able to apologize to my father (who has since passed), and to my mother, and she and I have a very close and sweet relationship. But my guilt is great and remains, and I wonder what to do with it?
"NEVER BE A PRISONER OF YOUR PAST. IT WAS JUST A LESSON, NOT A LIFE SENTENCE."
Let's say hypothetically, you should. In that case, do nice things for your mother (of course you already do that), but also for the sake of your conscience. You will feel when you reach the point of feeling OK with yourself.
I said dropping a valium in her coffee is illegal. He said so is killing someone.
I guess what I did take away is I somehow had to create space or boundaries each time I met with her to prevent the situation from getting so tense I do something violent.
I have not resorted to physical violence but have blown my top and said things I regretted, so have not always been successful. But I try to do shorter stays, more in public discussions, (where she treats me better too) and other tricks.
I am sure that your parents forgave you. When we love someone, we forgive them. We realize that they didn’t do anything deliberately to harm us.
You don’t mention that they held a grudge against you, so all is forgiven. Now it is time to forgive yourself.
I would be willing to bet that you showed your love for them many, many times greater than you slipped up out of frustration.
Wishing you peace and sending hugs your way.