My parents were married 68 years when in 2018 both were admitted into the ICU at the same time. She with metastasized breast cancer and he with a heart condition. She went to be with the Lord and he came home with me.
I have a brother that has lived with them his entire life. He's mentally challenged, but they have never acknowledged it. He went to special classes and had to graduate through the GoodWill program. That's the extent. He's worked and most people don't realize he has a disability. What I mean to say is that they 'overprotected/overloved' him. They never applied or accepted any type of help for him. They also didn't prepare him to live on his own.
I am now dealing with my aging father, who is starting to show signs of dementia. The doctors haven't said anything about it, but I see it.
He insists on being on his own Friday evening through Tues afternoon. He doesn't like my brother to be left alone. He was though, for the first 8 months after my mom's death while he stayed full time with me. He did fine and learned to grocery shop and cook with the microwave. He is refusing to work now though and while he does have health issues, refuses to do anything to help my dad or himself. He sits in a recliner and won't get up unless to go to the bathroom, grocery store or doctor. I've discussed this with my dad and told him that the less my brother does physically, the less he'll be able to do.
Before I continue down that road, I need to cut to the chase.
My father is still driving and shopping etc. He does all the household chores at his house. He cooks and hands my brother his food! Yes, maybe this is all making him feel that he has value. His personality improved when he went back home. But! he's getting weaker and has fallen 3 times recently, fortunately without injuring himself. My brother won't, absolutely won't listen to me. He's angry that he can't live or stay with me as well. Due to history, that could and would never happen. He comes for special events only.
My father is still high functioning. We have always had a good relationship. I know he respects me. I just have an issue with the situation. I'm not sure anymore how he feels about things. He's not a direct communicator. I am.
I have inadvertently hurt his feelings lately. Unfortunately he has hurt mine as well. I'm not asking for sympathy, just letting you know the situation. He always keeps things in and so I don't know if what I'm saying is upsetting or not until later. He doesn't say anything, just passive aggressive type of behavior.
I'm sure it's his dementia starting, but I'm always on edge around him. I love him and don't want this to be reshaping my feelings for him. My husband is helpful, but feels my dad is using us to a point. He cares for him, and they get along, but he's just worried about me being torn.
I need help understanding how to deal with this. I am angry I guess. Maybe I just needed to vent. I just wish my dad would be open to hiring someone to help him while he's at his house. He refuses to consider an assisted living situation. It would be the best, but the thought of moving is astronomical.
I'm glad that you already decided that your brother won't be living with you, now or in the future. He'll ruin your life and your marriage if you let him in.
Once your dad passes, it will be time for your brother to either swim or sink. Get a job or be homeless.
Your brother is making his own bed. You do not owe him anything. Do not feel sorry for him. You should only help him if/when he starts helping himself to become independent.
As for dad, since you're treading lightly around him, my recommendation is to wait for opportunities to arise then gently tell him that it would be good for brother to do things for himself because dad won't be around forever to do them for him.
Be at peace with yourself. You're doing the right thing. I'm glad that your husband is supportive. So, again, be at peace with yourself, so that you don't bring 'dad' problems home when you're with your husband. Leave them at the front door before you go in.
Does your dad have guardianship of your brother? Do you? This may be something to consider if you wish to advocate for him in the future. This doesn't mean he has to live with you, it just means you will legally be able to make decisions in his best interest. If you don't wish to go down this path, you can maybe research group homes or call the county where he lives to see what programs and assistance there may be. Does he receive SSDI? Or is your dad paying for everything for him out of pocket? It will be a bumpy adjustment no matter what, but having something of a plan will be immensely helpful, and you can start having conversations about it with your brother so it doesn't all come as a shock.
I also just want to say, don't be too hard on your dad for "babying" him. One of my sons has ADD. It is not possible to know where his personality stops and his ADD begins, there is no line to see. So, we parents just have to make the best decisions possible based on what we know about our child. And we are very reluctant to expect him to do something if he literally isn't able to as that would be cruel. Is it possible we have enabled my son in some circumstances? Sure, but we'll never know for certain. Wishing you peace and solutions!
As a young adult, (I'm 2 years my brother's senior, middle child and only daughter) I suggested several times the family go to counselling to help him. My mom told me to mind my own business. She was completely overprotective of him...to the point of being unhealthy. He had some friends,but very few as she wouldn't allow it. He met a young lady with disabilities that he liked. She sabotaged the relationship so it ended. He has one friendship that has continued but she wouldn't allow the friend in the house...
Anyway, I shouldn't judge....we're all here doing our best. However, we had the conversations. Since he can't handle finances,the will states that we inherit equally. The understanding is that he stay in the house and my husband and I maintain it.... Not a good situation.
I feel for you with your son. I raised two children with ADD and ADHD. I have grandchildren with the same and one possibly in the spectrum. Their parents are doing a great job preparing their children to be independent in the future.
I've spoken to a few people regarding social services help. Basically, my brother will have too much money... not in my opinion, but since he has no history with mental health isn't able to get anything- even if I could convince him he needs it.
I know my dad is tired of taking care of him......but he told me that it's his cross to bear. I guess it will be mine in the future....
A couple of years ago I suggested they try to get my brother on SSDI. They both left it up to my brother.....keep in mind that they don't ever discuss his disabilities... They just say 'he's slower'.
I told him he needed to try to get mental disability benefits.... He didn't want to do that. He tried for physical dis. The doctors wouldn't sign off on that and after 2.5 years and 2 attemps was denied...of course.
no one has guardianship- since he's 'just slow'. I'm not the only one dealing with this....there will be thousands of us in the near future as more and more elderly pass that have 'overloved/ overprotected their children under the radar. I've heard of a couple of these children that need anxiety meds dealing with moving into group homes etc.
ANYWAY! I've digressed....it helped to vent, but basically I just wanted to know how others are dealing with this situation. I'm extremely independent and have worked since I was 15. I've been a business woman throughout my adult life. I've always tried to keep my family first, being extremely involved in my children and step children that we raised. We hosted most family gatherings for all our extended family. I haven't shirked and in fact gladly took off work for the past three years helping my mom,dad and mom in law.
I am just frustrated now.... I need to work...but can't...I want to help, but feel my emotions getting away from me. I am the only one to help my dad.
Sorry I drug this out....
I expect it's very difficult for your father to express what he feels about a whole situation that is a) new and b) unpleasant for all three of you to come to terms with. There is huge, unwelcome change. It has to be faced, and solutions have to be found, but it is bound to be hard. Don't rush it.
By allowing your father to continue "as normal" when they're both at your father's house, I expect your brother finds some respite from the ordeal; maybe your father does too. You are perhaps anxious that they should both adjust to a new, sustainable normal where your father gets to reduce his workload and be supported and your brother fulfils more of his potential; but remember that neither of them is happy at the prospect.
Things WILL change, whether they like it or not. Your father has been very ill and will inevitably become frailer; and your brother has many years ahead of him - again inevitably, a large proportion of those will be (may it not be for a long time yet) without his parents' support system.
I'm delighted for your brother that even such a terrible time has had its silver lining for him, in that he has already demonstrated to himself that he is much more capable than he may have thought. This is something to build on. Perhaps he won't listen to you about his needing to place less reliance on your father because he sees it as your wanting to separate them, taking his father away. One way to get past this might be to talk to your father about what kind of support your brother will need to be more independent long into the future. You don't specify what sort of disability he has (that's fine, labels often don't help), but there may be support groups and advocacy groups including parents of adult children in your brother's situation; and they may have good advice and ideas to share.
Once there is more certainty and security about your brother's future, your father will be able to relax a little. Dementia may be a factor, but grief, stress and anxiety about a child he sees as "dependent" are quite enough to deal with on their own.