Feeling anxious. My husband and I have been together 4 years. We live about 2 hours away from his mother and sister. His mother has lived with his sister since she fell and broke her hip about 4 years ago. Unfortunately, the daughter has had some personal issues thus causing the mother to be left alone much of the time and not in a safe place. However, bringing the mother into our home is scary for me because she has a hoarding problem (30 years +) and other unusual behaviors and tendencies.
I would sit down with my DH and I would explain that he may or may not have picked the wrong woman, but he did pick one who is not capable of this. And that is with the issues BESIDE the point.
I don't know the mother's age, mental or physical condition, or the condition she currently maintains in the sister's house. At the VERY LEAST you should be able to go there and discuss frankly with the Sister what the Mom's habits and needs are.
My vote goes to placement. I can be as sorry and as guilty and as woebegone as I like about my limitations, but they ARE my limitations, and I know what they are. I wish I were a better person. Maybe next life.
Best of luck!!
If it ends up you need to take her in, set boundries. Your house, your rules. Bring nothing with her that can't be kept in the closet in her room. Let the sister get rid of what is not needed. I have a great thrift shop near by I take everything to. The proceeds go to a Church run school for scholarships for the students. Not that there cannot be compromises, but in the end it is your house. You need to sit down with husband and discuss everything before she moves in. He has to be strong and not allow Mom to take over. He needs to realize that you r his wife and ur needs come first. There maybe times you want to be alone at ur vacation house, need to set up someone to stay with MIL. She needs to understand that there will be times she will not be included. You are a married couple and need time to yourself.
CM is right--this is not a decision to make lightly. Spend an hour or twenty on this board reading about the epic fails and trials of bringing parents in to live with us...it is RARELY a good idea--unless the relationship between you and your parents is pretty perfect. Living 2 hrs away--you don't have a clue what a day in the life of a CG is about.
You have nothing to fell guilty about. That feeling is the universe screaming at you to STOP and think this through.
Is DH planning to 'let' you be the primary CG? I found my DH just ASSUMING I'd be beyond thrilled to FT care give for his sick dad. Uh, no.
It can work, I don't want to totally scare you off. But it takes a LOT of patience, time, work and loss of personal space.
Deep breaths--do not plan anything until you have seen firsthand what is available for mom. IF she is a hoarder, BTW, that is a whole different level of awful.
I'm very sorry that your MIL and your SIL find themselves in these difficulties. Your husband's instant solution, while I'm sure intended to be loving and helpful, seems rushed and ill-advised. How much time have you and he had to think this through?
Be assured that you are not wrong to feel anxious: this is a major decision that needs careful thought, and can't just be presented to you as a fait accompli.
Four years is plenty of time for a hip to heal; so what other care needs does your MIL have?