Its only been 6 weeks since my father passed. But I am feeling lost. It seems everyone including my siblings have "moved" on with their lives. But I'm still going over the details of the last year. Feeling tortured about what ifs. It seems the whole year was a struggle. As my father's primary caregiver for the last three years, the final year before he passed was the hardest. He seemed to lose the will to live. I was getting frustrated and impatient with him. He didn't want to eat, or take showers, or take his meds, everything felt like an uphill fight. And then I finally stopped fighting with him. Now that he has passed, I feel like he could have lived longer if only I was willing to fight for him. I should have found other solutions instead of giving up on him. People talk about grief work, but I don't know what that is. Others have suggested I need to find a new life, new purpose or just a distraction. But eventually I go back to my dad and how I failed him. I'm not sure what to do. Most days I do not want to do anything. I have gone back to work but other than that, I don't know what steps to take to feel better. Or maybe I haven't given myself enough time. I don't seem to have any answers.
I figured he is now with my Mom who had passed almost a year ago. But every now and then I second guess myself. Today was the first day that his passing had really gotten to me.
I also think it depends on who you have in your life. I have a cousin who calls me every couple of weeks, she was my Dad's God-daughter, my age, and she has a great sense of humor, so I am happy after that call.
My sig other, I can't remember the last time he made me laugh or smile. I know my will talk therapist will eventually tell me I need to surround myself with positive happy people. And she would be right.
So for a few months, I played the "what if" game...and the "I should have" game. But I did the best I could with the information I had. I took good care of my dad for years before that. So over time, I was able to go over all of that in my mind and come to accept that I did the best I could and my dad would be the first one to say that. So maybe over time you can know in your heart (and your head) that you did the best you could. Not perfectly (NONE of us are perfect) but the best you could do. We all lose patience...none of us are perfect. We are human. So work on forgiving yourself for any perceived shortcomings and know that you were there for your dad every day when it mattered. Hugs....