My mother was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She would be undergoing chemo and rad then surgery. I lived in another state...foreclosed on my house, and left my dream job. Now I am living in the basement and running her errands and doing any chores she is too tired to do. I feel as though I sacrificed my entire life and person that I am to help her.
You put your own life on hold to help your Mom, yes. If you are putting this out to others for justification or approval, you will get many different opinions. Other people's opinions about your situation are usually based on their own experience, or perception of how they feel about caring for their own Mother or other person.
You could have a wonderful mother who was there for you and your family growing up, or you could have an abusive, selfish mother who no one else will bother with now because she alienated everyone except for you. Are you the classic caregiver daughter who was molded for the job, or who won it by default, or who is extremely devoted and appreciative to your Mother for all she has done for you, and this is the least you can do for a short time of your life?
Only YOU know the answer. Only God knows how long your Mother will survive. Pancreatic cancer is painful, and perhaps the prognosis for her life is not known.
Think about the commitment you are making. Some people do not have a choice, some do not think they have a choice, and others refuse to acknowledge a choice. Whatever you decide to do, your intentions to help your Mother in a time of great need is honorable. It brings security and comfort to your Mother. If you are going to do this job, then do it with foresight for your own future and start working on your plans for that; don't spend this crucial time with a grudge toward "what you have given up." It's a victim mentality, and one must be a "victor" to do this job. Your Mother will sense your resentment if you do not work this out in your mind, and that will not be healing or comforting to her. Good Luck processing your decision, and all the Best to your Mother as she undergoes her trials. God Bless You both.
And hopefully a surgeon that will take on her case. I miss my "life" but I think I'd regret missing her life and this time more. Again thank you all for helping me you all lifted my spirits!!
How old is Mom? Is she of sound mind? What is the prognosis -- is she likely to gradually return to her former level of strength and energy? Or is this the beginning of a downward progression? If you don't have Mom's authorization to talk to her medical providers, get that. Get as clear a picture of you can about what you are facing.
How much time are you willing to devote to this? It might help your outlook to set some limits. Let us say you are willing to live with her for a year. (Just an example. You decide.) What alternatives will have to be in place before you can feel good about leaving? If all she needs is errand and chore service, that should be fairly easy to arrange. If her abilities decline and she needs more and more care, what is available to provide that? Look at ways to keep her in her home, such as meals on wheels, a weekly nurse visit, a cleaning service, maybe hired caregivers, maybe adult day health services. Also look at placement options, Assisted Living and Nursing Homes.A few months before your committment is up, evaluate the situation again and put your alternative plans in motion.
Is it reasonable to expect to find a job in your field in the area where Mom lives? Would you consider relocating so that even after you move out of her house you can visit her often, and supervise her care?
Now, while you are with Mom, what can you do for yourself? It doesn't sound like she needs 24/7 care right now. Can you find a class to take nearby to add to your marketable skills for when you go back in job market? Can you join a local yoga class or take power walks through the nature preserve? You have other responsibilities now, but you can have a life (or you won't survive).
For the time you are living in Mom's house, is the basement a plesant environment? If it needs some fixing up, can Mom afford to have it done? Are there other living arrangements that you'd like better?
You only have one mother, and there is only one you. You need to take care of both unique individuals now. Do help Mom. Don't lose you in the process.
Keep us informed on how this is going for you.
I, too, moved in with my mother before she passed away of cancer. I did all the things you are doing, and it was difficult. I fely guilty if I felt frustration, became exhausted and felt all kinds of emotions.
I, found that talking about with a close friend helped ( it is completely normal to feel resentment about giving up your dream life); writing about it and listening to music, what ever you enjoy to relax.
It is a difficult process, esp., the chemo.....I found that palliative care and then hospice helped. It is different for everyone.
Your mom must be feeling a whirlwind of things.....you are her daughter and are doing wonderful things for her.
Good luck and my prayers go out to you.
I am caring for my mother now and I can see all my energy is going to my mother. She has alzheimers and if she was in her right mind she wouldn't allow me to be looking after her, she would want me to have my own life back. So my day, my time, my energy is spent very much around her and it gets soaked up and she isn't even in the worst stages of alzheimer. I saw this bring my brother down and I took over when he left, my sister is abroad and so she although she gets upset about it she can get on with her own day quite easily.
I will soon move away because I think I have to for my own sanity and that to me is important. My mother is sweet most of the time and I do love her but I will work hard not to feel guilty and I will work to ensure she has support in place from professional carers etc.
I write this because I think it is important to make exit strategies for ourselves and not to have guilt about it and maybe this can help you. Good luck, Jayne x
pa always said theres reason for everything ...
go with the flow and be with ur mom .
xoxo
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