I moved from out of state to care for my mother who has dementia. My siblings live a few hours away. My mother has always had what I think are narcissistic character traits that have only gotten worse with her condition. Some days can be very trying as she can become combative if you do or say anything that she does not agree with. Although my siblings say they appreciate that I’m here with my mother, they never ever seem to ask me how I am doing dealing with the day to day issues. I will text them a status of my mom’s condition but rarely if ever do I get a response. I have gotten to the point where I have cut back on my communications with them. They know I’m here if they want a status. My brother especially gives the impression that I am bothering him. He is usually critical of my efforts. Since I am new to the area, I have very little in the way of support. Options are few. I feel isolated and alone.
just adding another thing about abusive people in general...
for example, mean mothers, mean/uncaring/ignoring siblings...
another bad thing about abuse (besides that it tortures and destroys you)...
is that one kind of gets used to it...
with time, it becomes less shocking.
but one should be shocked.
and those with empathy for us, should be shocked too by how horribly/unjustly/awfully we're treated.
-----
if almost everyone surrounding you is mean or uncaring, you don't get to experience the contrast with wonderful/uplifting/encouraging people.
i know many of us are in situations where reducing contact with mean people is difficult (for example, pmoskowitz, you live with your mother) (it's amazing/very kind that you take care of your mother --- it does come at a cost, however. what's the price? your health/happiness.).
if possible, decrease contact with mean people.
increase contact with wonderful people.
just as mean people get us down/they influence our mood, and future...
wonderful people also influence us!! :) :) :) they can also influence your future, your mood, your whole well-being.
so...
reduce contact with mean people, where possible.
increase contact with wonderful people.
hug!!
it's xmas 2021 soon, and i wish us all wonderful pre-xmas days ahead!!
I know you said to care for Mother.. but actually the why behind that?
It can be a tough question.
dear pmoskowitz, hopefully you're financially independent.
as many people on this website warned:
often the daughter (helping the parent/s with millions of things), ends up penniless, jobless, homeless, totally stressed-out, with health problems, unmarried, no children, dreams/goals wrecked.
i wish you to live a full life. :) :)
your dreams/goals...your career...your future. :) :)
finding a balance between helping others AND helping ourselves.
hug!! :)
also what you wrote:
"and their not responding is passive-aggressive abuse that adds to your stress"
exactly.
being ignored causes stress/hurt/frustration/abuse...
------
i like this quote i saw on the internet, years ago:
"before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, make sure you're not in fact just surrounded by *ssholes."
I may email and ask that siblings to visit reminding them that you know no one there. I would also consider having Mom placed if she becomes too much.
If you feel ur being used, you probably are. I bet your the sibling Mom was most hard on. The one that tried to please her but just never quite could. The one she could make feel guilty. I bet some of your siblings have Narcissistic tendencies. Bet they are trying to preserve their inheritance. In the end, you get as much as they do. No more for being the one doing all the caring, alone. I may tell your siblings that you have found you can't care for Mom. So, they need to make other plans. Maybe a nice AL or MC depending on how far into the Dementia she is. Yes, they probably won't like it and whatever relationship you had will be no more. But, was it all that great before? You didn't even live in the same state.
Was there a family meeting where it was agreed you would uproot your life? If not, ...
Caring for a parent doesn't have to mean you're the one physically doing it. Especially if you've had a difficult relationship to begin with; it will only get you resentful and burnt out sooner rather than later.
This website is a good place for support and to help figure out questions like: Do you have legal standing to make financial and other decisions for Mom? Does anyone? Is it needed? Can you return to your life after setting up a care system for your mom? How is your health (physical, emotional, spiritual, financial)?
Wishing you well on your journey.
I have one sister. She does not communicate AT ALL.
She NEVER asks how Mom is doing, nor, how I am holding up.
I’m grateful for this place, where people understand.
All I can say to help is Be strong and use "daily positive affirmations"(on YouTube) to stay grounded. I am happy we have this safe forum to share our real experiences with Caregiving and hope this helps. Good Luck!
I did this when I took charge of my MIL's care. I was not the PoA but had the most time to do it, and I knew I'd do it better than her sons ;-) I emailed a group update almost every day from the minute I started helping her until she was transitioned into a facility. Mostly because I wanted to make sure there was complete transparency so that no one could ever come back to me in a crisis and say, "I didn't know..."
The subject line in my emails were in a hierarchy: "Daily update", "FYI", "Please read, no response required", "Please read and respond, input requested", "URGENT READ ASAP" etc. They didn't have the option to "opt out" of the updates. Just keep sending them. My updates included only "facts" and no emotional or opinionated comments. no passive/aggressive swipes, i.e. "Today took mom to the dentist. Required a rental wheelchair, 2 people needed to help get her in and out of the chair, combative with the hygienist. Mom has a bad tooth that needs extracting." etc. Every day send an update so that they can "learn" what it means to be an in-home, hands-on caregiver. If you come to the point of burn-out and want to end your care, they can't say "I didn't know..." You must help them know whether they wish to or not. It's their mom. And it's very cathartic ;-) Blessings!