My FIL moved in with us nearly two years ago. I was reluctant to say yes but it’s the only parent my precious wife has left so I agreed. He's very overweight, depressed (I think), poor, entitled (he thinks people should do everything for him), self-centered, can't seem to tell the full truth even on basic questions (it’s so strange), and his best quality is one of his worst, he's kind (until he has some ignorant opinion on varying subjects) but he won’t SHUT UP. He will ramble on and on and on even if no one is listening.
We had just bought a new first time house and a few months later we moved him in. It was all fine in the beginning, we were working on the house and staying busy so his annoyances were only slightly annoying in the beginning. As time continued and things settled down I started to notice more and more what a disrespectful, worthless (I know, Harsh) slob and pest he is. He would camp out in our living room just talking and talking and talking about nothing and giving his ignorant opinions, and trying to get my wife to cater to him (he knew from the start I wouldn't cater to him). Wouldn't shower, never helped with dishes, awful diet, never took out the trash, would be blaring the TV and music constantly, never did any physical activity. Just a fat blob taking up space. All the while he's just blabbering on about how's he going to get in shape and start walking and eating better, blah blah. I take my word very seriously, so I expected him to actually follow through on some of these ambitions. NOPE.
So probably about 9 months in I told my wife I've had enough, while I'm home he's to stay in his room Monday - Thursday, I can hardly stand to look at him anymore. Oh and I forgot to mention my wife has been pregnant for about 5 of these months already. Anyways, he obeys for a while and makes more and more promises how he's going to do better, blah blah and my wife always believes him. It’s the craziest thing, she will scold him and he will just deflect and tell her how much he loves her.
There's a lot more occurrences and instances than I have space for in this forum but needless to say my wife was scolding him one day trying to get him to clean up his room, which is absolutely disgusting, and is connected to our living room so if the door is open you can smell the odor. And he says something along the lines of "What happened to my beautiful, sweet, compassionate, loving daughter. This is not the woman I raised". I almost LOST IT ON HIM. But I didn't, and told my wife to relay to him that we are not on a speaking basis, I'm done with this a** hole. And when I'm done I'm done. Fast forward about a month later, he keeps trying to have conversations with me and coming out of his room when outside of our designated times, so I absolutely come unglued on him one day. A lot of profanity and I tell him Monday - Saturday when I’m home, you stay in your room and you and me are done. The only thing I want to hear come out of your mouth is "how was your day". Well as you probably know he keeps disrespecting my rules and her rules so every now and again I will snap on him. We tried to get him to move out but it was going to be too expensive with the baby.
Now to the point. I hold true to my word so basically I just don't interact with the guy, almost ever. If he tries to start a conversation I basically ignore him. I could see where this would be hurtful, but that is the point, no one else is holding him accountable, so this is my form of punishment and coping. I loathe this person. My wife will tell him how disrespectful he is to his face, but whenever I address him she sometimes takes up for him even if it’s contradictory to what she said to his face. This has caused some huge fights and its really starting to take a toll on both of us. I just want to be left alone and for him to follow the rules, but she thinks the rules are unfair. I think they are perfectly fair. Any advice on how to better handle the situation?
So you don't want him to move out, you just want him to follow the rules you have made for him which is that 6 days a week he needs to be confined to his room when you are home - WHAT part of this is a good solution to the problem you have?
Seriously man - get a clue and have a conversation with your wife about dad moving out. Then when you are both in agreement you talk to FIL and give him a date when you expect him to be out of your house. What is so difficult about this?
I can't imagine bringing a infant into this mess with you being hostile and angry to your FIL when the problem here is that your wife is refusing to tell her father that he has to leave and doesn't seem to care that you no longer want him in your house.
I typed ALL this and then read your replies below and I am not going to delete all that I wrote above. I mean why post all that drama and then try to minimize it all with your answers below? It's not that bad but.....fill in the blank. The reality is it is that bad so please stop trying to say it isn't. Maybe if you get a stroke or heart attack from the stress of having FIL in your house it will be a wake up call for you and your wife. Or maybe wife will move you into a facility and keep dad at home.
Basically you don't want him to move out because you want his $600 a month rent to offset your costs and your baby is 8 months old (why couldn't this be mentioned in the original post above?) And now it is only 3 hours a day you don't want to see him because the rest of the time you, your wife and baby are not even at home? How does this solve the problem of him being a slob and all the other things you posted above? The answer - it doesn't.
If you can't afford your house and living expenses without FIL's help then maybe it is time to find a new living situation that you can afford without rental assistance from FIL. How many decades are you willing to keep this man under your roof?
Why can't you afford to, is it because he is helping out with the bills?
Or is it because you are thinking you will have to help him out financially?
That really makes a difference on things here.
Second of all I get what you are saying, when your done, your done. I'm very much that type of person to. But if this man is living there and helping to support you , you really need to find a way to deal with it
Your anger is not healthy for you, your family, and utmost important is the baby. The beautiful life that is growing inside of your wife, made out of love doesn't deserve this tension. The baby isn't even here yet and he/she is all ready dealing with the stress both of you men are putting your wife under
So please, get control of this. I do completely understand your feelings, but it's not all about you anymore.
I hope things get better for all of you best of luck
There has to be ways to cut back on things to make up that 600 .
If your FIL is so poor as you say, he would qualify for subsidized housing. If he's as gross as you describe him, he won't mind living somewhere nasty.
Now, your wife is the one disrespecting you. If she takes up for him in front of you and you need to put her in her place with that crap yesterday. I've had two husbands and I will tell you something. If either one of them ever contradicted me or took someone else's side on something in front me, that would be it. I would never do that myself either. If one spouse has something to say to the other or a bone to pick, that gets done in private.
Your FIL is disrepsecting you, his daughter, and your home. He doesn't clean up his room?
You clean it. Pack his nasty stuff up in garbage bags and throw it on the curb. You've got a baby coming. You can't have a gross and unsanitary home.
You may actually have to legally evict him. If you don't want him there and he refuses to leave, he will have to be forced to. It's not your fault he's a disgusting slob who's depressed. He's depressed because he's a digusting slob. That's on him and he's the only one who can help himself.
Your wife and you have to stop enabling his lifestyle and get him evicted from your home. He can pay his $600 a month and be a boarder in someone else's home. Though I don't think his filthy and disgusting habits will be tolerated for very long.
Please, go to the courthouse and have him served with legal eviction papers.
Surely you realize that your child deserves SO much better right?
The bottom line is that your FIL needs to get out of your house sooner than later, before the birth of your baby, and you don't pay for him to move, he pays for himself.
And yes you and your wife need to be in couples counseling, if you're wanting your marriage to work. And you need to be in personal therapy for your anger issues, as your anger should concern you as well.
Your home life sounds like pure hell to me. Our homes are supposed to be our safe places and our sanctuaries, but yours doesn't sound like either for anyone and as the man of your home that should be the biggest red flag ever, especially since you have a child that you'll be bringing into this very sick and dysfunctional home soon.
So man up and start doing what is best for your wife and your child.
It is my personal opinion that not only does your marriage need help, but you, yourself needs help.
You are calling your FIL a "worthless slob" and "pest" and an "a**hole."
You speak of "huge fights".
You speak of "losing it" with him.
You have serious anger issues.
As I said, I fear for any baby born into your home at this time and in these circumstances. My heart bleeds for any pregnant woman living through this. Though you do make the point SHE is "in his face" as well.
It is now known that babies an suffer even while in utero.
Now you are telling us that you have a veritable "suite" for your FIL. Fine, go to an elder law attorney with Dad and the wife (will that keep everyone, hopefully, from exploding with anger) and make a care contract. This care contract will include a portion of the cost of home mortgage, maintenance, electric and heat and food.
And this agreement will stipulate WHAT AREAS are private and when they are. It will stipulate how often you will reassess if this whole thing is working for EVERYONE. The day it is NOT working for someone then it is DONE AND OVER. And he moves out and takes his financial help elsewhere with one month notice or you QUIETLY and GENTLY evict him.
Surely as a cognizant human being you understand that FIL isn't going to get BETTER? And that things are going to get HARDER? And that, if you are a family that bickers and explodes and reacts with fury then your lives will be a Hades on earth no matter WHO you live with?
Again, I fear for the baby.