Does anyone seem to find their parent is almost two people?

Romans 2:28 ,God gave them over to a reprobate mind.

The problem is that we are the ones who suffer the burdens of dealing with those reprobate minds. Please Lord, a little mercy on us.

10-4 on that one! I can relate 100% - almost the same issues with my 88 year old mom. I feel like I am lost and confused. Like you, no matter what I say or try, it doesn't work. I know when the dementia really sets in, that the reasoning abilities are unavailable on her end. I also know she cannot help this. The gray matter just isn't working like it used to. Her purpose in life is to live at home, alone, and smoke, and cuss, and do exactly what she thinks she wants to do when she wants to. She doesn't leave the house. She is having delusions now that some very large ladies are trying to get her. They enter the garage where Mom likes to smoke and take small items from the garage. I visit her on a weekly basis and do chores and bring her goodies and have affirmed that no items are missing. I contact her nightly via the phone to touch base with her. I have received calls on my voice mail that she is very scared of these large women. I left work at noon a couple of weeks ago after receiving her panicked message. I stayed with her visiting for a few hours, and of course, no one showed up. I took her to the doctor to review her meds since her symptoms have changed. They changed her meds and she seems sometimes be better, not mentioning 'the ladies'. I get my hopes up and think things are improving but the next day she is all freaked out again. She doesn't think she needs any meds and no matter what I say to her about them she reminds me that she isn't sick and doesn't need them. She is in very good physical health - no pain or other issues. It's hard to explain that the pills are for 'her memory', etc. Her doctor has agreed that it is best for her to stay home and do what she wants to until she kicks the bucket vs. submitting her to a nursing home - quality of life for her vs. possible quantity of days, weeks, months in a nursing home. I am great with this decision which is acceptable with the doctor because I know if I put her in a nursing home they would sedate her until she passed away. That isn't fair for her but it's hard for me to see her not eat much, and wither away. In any case, her days are numbered, I know. My problem is that I have not been trained to be 'the boss' and feel like I am in kindergarten, not having the information to help her and to help me deal with this. Life if life...it's a learning process and the learning never ends. I just feel lost and confused. I don't really know what to do...just help her as I can and accept each day as it happens. Like you mentioned, it's all in a crisis mode, one crisis after another!!! Thank you for your comments!

Becky101, your story sounds a lot like my mom's. Mine lives alone, too, but in an apartment, but she never wants to leave and she smokes and just sits around all the time. Doctors have been told about her delusions but it seems little can be done, especially since my mom is unwilling to cooperate. I try and be there for my mom and offer her help when needed, and oddly during a last fight she instigated I stepped back and she finally managed to call a cab to take her shopping. Now I'm wondering if maybe I enabled her too much? For months she said no cabs would pick her up and suddenly they do. I thought at first she may have been lying but she told me about the cab ride and had some specific weather details, etc., so I know she had to be telling the truth. In some ways I'm more confused than ever about the whole thing, but I'm happy she managed to call a cab. Means she has to think for herself a bit beyond calling me and threatening suicide if I don't get her cigarettes in the next half-hour!

My mother has been a full blown narcissistic with extreme sociopath tendencies. I am the eldest and only daughter, I have been her target for years. She is now suffering from dementia and it's the perfect storm. She has developed an eating disorder, eating incredible amounts of food, only baths 2x a week, refuses to wash her hands after using the bathroom and is an out of control - control freak. Any and all attempts to place her in assisted living have failed. Her lying is probably the worst .. it's rare she tells the truth anymore. I have moved in with her and she uses me like a slave. Her insidious comments and gossip to anyone who will listen have me on edge and stressed out of my mind. I am making plans to relocate out of state and I told my younger brothers good luck. I deserve to be happy and enjoy my life, realizing my mother is and always has been toxic.

Yup. Have experienced Mom being "complicated" all my life.
Her family all knew it, but then, there was nothing anyone knew how to do, except help her mainstream as well as possible.

Mom managed to accomplish some amazing things, but, because of her mental and emotional issues, was unable to sustain the good things she started.
As eldest, and only of the 1st marriage, that floated me between 2 households as the oldest, but in my absence, the next child down in each household was the defacto eldest child. That could cause some complications in pecking order, not only for the younger kids, but for parents.

Mom has signs and symptoms of bipolar, narcissism, and/or D.I.D. [dissociative identity disorder--multiple personalities].
Not all the time, it goes in irregular waves. She believes she's normal.
The kids raised with her mostly full time [except when she farmed us out 1 or 2 at a time], have some of her behaviors, I think because they learned them.
She never meant to be nasty, but cannot help it.
On top of all that, she's a binge drinker, or a chronic alcoholic when she can afford it. Great stuff.
But I managed to find a way out, as a young teen...and left.
Guilt trip myself, for leaving the others to fend for themselves, yet, cannot be around them for very long either, because they do her tricks too.
After Mom managed to shatter my spirit one too many times, it's not safe for me to be anywhere near any of them, I feel. Much safer to restrict communications to what they are willing to commit to print....which is precious little...because one of their fav. games is verbal Plausible Deniability.
I can't play that.
So, at this late age, finally have determined to keep my safer distance.
It might get pretty ugly if I never show up for her final curtain.

I just no longer have enough pieces of me left, to run their gauntlets anymore.
IF they don't like that I refuse to phone or visit from far away, they will have to chew that bone without me.
She doted on all of them, and showed me her backside...sometimes literally...while telling /them/ how much she loved me [but not me], and being abusive verbally and physically while living with us.
The swath of destruction she left behind when she moved out of our place, was pretty epic; some can't be repaired. She ruined friendships with neighbors, almost got us evicted from our rented home of years, and managed to trash our house and our other property, and break apart relationships with siblings--to this day, I seriously don't think they realize what she did, fully, because they do not see her behaviors in themselves.

All we can do, is forgive our dysfunctional relatives--that's for our benefit, not theirs, because they often cannot hear it.
We forgive them so we can go forward and heal ourselves.
If any cannot manage to do that yet, then you can simply say "I wish you well." You may be saying it through gritting teeth, but saying it is as neutral as you can get. It's about the rule "Be impeccable in your word".
Then strive to embody unconditional love, the best you can. Choose to walk a higher path than your relatives have. You will feel better for it, and they can go on their merry ways without you, if it's necessary.
It's healing, and can be freeing. But it is still hard.
Kids from dysfunctional families mourn for the good parents we never had [not what we got]. We must learn to love ourselves, parent ourselves, find stand-in parents for ourselves, to fill in the gaps left vacant by our own.
Love is still the answer...just for some, it needs to be from a safe distance.

Chimonger, how wise you are. As you say, the forgiveness isn't for them, it's for you. That enables you to move forward with your own life. After all that you've been through you can still say that love is the answer. Your full sentence is a gem: Love is still the answer...just for some, it needs to be from a safe distance. Thanks so much for adding your wisdom. I hope you'll continue to check in.
Carol

Carol Bradley Bursack,
Growing up as I did, surrounded by amazing people [including the ones who were dysfunctional!], yet left to "sorta grow, like Topsy", probably encouraged me to be a philosopher. Even as a small child, I could see how much stress others were operating under, and didn't want to add to their platefuls. A number of elders shared all those good old sayings--didn't much explain them, but said them; those were helpful.
Sometimes it's very hard to bring up feelings of love, after someone has stomped and broken them to bits too many times. But forgiving them so I can move on, has helped; as has setting firm limits on their access to me and my immediate family.
I still have doubts sometimes. But, here it is, more than 3.5 years since she moved in with a different sibling, and I'm just now finally finding an hour or few that has palpable relaxation--I can't remember how long it's been, since I last just took time to sit and relax, hear birds, smell flowers, read a book...every time I tried, for decades, I went through those same motions, but never Felt the Relaxation that permeates the soul.
The other day, though, doing that, it felt very deeply relaxing and soul-reviving. The last time that was experienced, was when I was between about 6 to 8 y.o., and rarely, then. That's about 6 decades too long to wait to do that again!!
I do check in to this list.
Maybe, there is something to be shared or counseled, that might help others. This list helped me heal, when there was no other source of validation and support. I still learn!
Healing is on-going, like learning.
If we stop doing that, things might fall apart!
What one can learn from other's posting here, too, might also be used as "volunteer hours", and/or, as "practice hours" for nurses's license requirements.
This, is community. Community too many are short on!
Thank goodness for the internet, which helps reestablish a sense of community, interpersonal exchanges, helping those who can't get out in person much!