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children should try to find a way to stay and care for their parents.they cared for the children when they were young and unable to care for their selves. now the parents have grown old and unable to care for their selves. if you serch your souls ,i'm sure that you will find a away to stay and be a responsible and careing person .and do what is right.it's hard to make a choice as to be right ,but if you ask GOD for directions ,i'm sure that he will direct you .and you won't have to regreat that the parents have been deserted,just because they have grown old.you too will experience old age,if your lucky and hopefully your children ,if you have children will care enough about you ,to put your needs above their desires.
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worriedinCali Mar 2019
The OP and her husband have a right to live their own lives. They are not obligated to take care of their parents. I will say it for the unpteenth time—the fact our parents took care of us growing up does not obligate or require us to take care of them later on in life. The OP and her husband have every right to help out ON THEIR OWN TERMS.
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I agree completely that this is a problem with the parents and not the brothers.

1. Get their important paperwork in order. Durable power of attorney both medical and financial. Living wills - hard but very necessary discussion to have with them both.

2. Groceries - can they be delivered? The neighbor is nice to do this for them but they likely also need help preparing meals for themselves. Look into hiring someone to cook and freeze meals that can be warmed up. Nutrition students at the local college probably need money to pay for school. When I was doing this for my in-laws, I bought a dozen or more pieces of Corning ware at the thrift store. Each meal contained protein, lots of veggies, and a starch. Nowadays the frozen food aisle at the grocery store has many healthy "cook in bag" meals and sides.

3. Housekeeping - who cleans their house now?

4. Transportation - what options are in their area? And why on earth are they going to the doctor 3 times each week? Is it for dialysis? Please explain a little bit more.

Three weeks is enough time to get some them some help. It may not be perfect by the time you move, and that's okay. It'll be a good start toward getting your in-laws to accept reality.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
Groceries can be delivered, even amazon has tons of stuff. Scrpts delivered, housekeeping services. People who don’t have kids find a way to take care of themselves. People aren’t always close to neighbors either so one has to fend for themselves.
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Make a plan, then discuss with elders so that they feel they have a say. Know just what & how much you can take on. Don’t be pushed beyond your limits. Remind them that your physical & mental health is paramount to your AND THEIR survival. Never take on the burden alone, and be sure your lives come first: a hard but essential truth.
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As others have said, this is a parent problem, not a sibling problem. If it takes 4 people to keep them in their home, they do not belong there.
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PandabearAUS Mar 2019
Isn’t it amazing that we automatically assume the position that it is the problem of the children. I had to shift my thinking on this previously. Yes we have a responsibility and duty to our parents but we/others never see it as a dual responsibility
I was even worse where my husband is concerned but have decided not to be so available and start looking after myself as well
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The problem is the parents, not the brother.

Adult children should not be forced to give up their lives and their livelihoods to support the charade of independence that is going on here.

Brothers should certainly sit down and talk about this and then visit parents and tell them that they are going to have to make other arrangements; the adult children should of course HELP with making the arrangements, but they shouldn't be hostages, now should they?
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PandabearAUS Mar 2019
“Charade of independence “. Definitely going to us that one
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This is the time to go and look into all the resources that you can that will provide help free hopefully for your parents. You do want to sit down and talk with the brother as well as the sister who quit because now that you’re moving she may want to start helping somehow. I will start with AARP
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Pease tell him carefully and with a back up plan already researched. I am the sole carer for my mum and the pressure and stress is awful. I so wish I had a sibling to help me but I don't so the responsibility is all mine and it's sucking the life out of me. It's a big responsibility for your brother in law and will impact his life a lot. If the parents are stubborn then be firm with them as your lives matter too!!!! Older people can be very selfish and self absorbed and don't see beyond their own needs and wants. The carers need caring for too sometimes!!!
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gdaughter Mar 2019
so agree with the self-absorbed part as is the case with my dad. Mom less an issue because she is her typical stubborn witch self and then some with her dementia. But dad has had womanfolk looking after him since a babe, from his mother and sisters to his wifey. I am so sick of his needs becoming his obsession that I must deal with. His notes. His magazine subscriptions that force my using my email address, his this, his that.
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Are either of the parents Veterans? If so there may be help through the VA. Please check that out first if this is an option.
This might be the time to start an application process for Medicaid if that is in the future.
It sounds like selling the house and looking for Assisted living is the only option that would make sense.
Have a "Family Dinner" and tell the siblings that you are going to have to move and bring up the options that would be acceptable. And as I see it it would be...
Sell the house and move in with a sibling.
Sell the house and move to Assisted Living.
Have a sibling sell their house and move in with parents.
You can not place your live in "suspended animation" you have to move on and do what is right for you. (by "you" I mean your family)
I suppose there is one other option..sell the parents house and move them with you. You could look for a house with an "in-law" suite so they have their space and you have yours. (Locking doors between!)

By the way you mention in your profile you are caring for your Mom..how will your move effect that?
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kdcm1011 Mar 2019
“Suspended animation” ... love this phrase! It is so true.
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My sister and I cared for our mom in her home. Sis was living with mom due to unemployment. Unbeknownst to me sis took a job 1500 miles away. She never discussed it with me. On thanksgiving she told me about her new job, 3 weeks later she was gone. Nightmare!!! Mom was distraught and confused, and I was left holding the bag.
Moral of the story? Talk to brother ASAP! Right now! I can tell that your intention is not to hurt or burden him, but that is exactly what is going to happen, and it will be even worse the longer you wait. And for heavens sake go in with a game plan. Research home health and assisted living. Call your local Aging resource center. Set up meals on wheels. Hire a housekeeper. You get my drift.
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anonymous763470 Mar 2019
You did not mention if parents have a will, or who holds their POA. If they have neither resolve that situation immediately.
my brother holds mom’s POA for finance. He does all her banking/bills online. Your husband certainly could handle his parents finances in the same manor.
Your parents are fortunate to have an attentive neighbor. Hire her!!
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So sorry you need to make this decision. I feel for other brother. Sounds like he just doesn't have the time.

Call your Office of Aging and ask what kind of resources are available for in-laws. It wouldn't be fair for neighbor to take this on.
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gdaughter Mar 2019
Seen this happen once or twice and ultimately neighbors will burn out and find help like local office on aging.
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So... your parents in law have burned through one option (living with Son and DIL), have refused to consider other options, and are currently relying on the support of four people, two of whom are about to leave the building and one of whom is under not the ghost of an obligation to continue her support, yes?

I think the conversation you need to have with BIL is about how the four of you (with SIL carefully insulated from direct contact, though she should certainly be free to contribute to the mind-map) create a united front in order to confront parents in law with the reality of their present and future needs.

If they wish to age in place, fine, good for them. But in that case they will very soon need a formal support structure; a support structure which must not rest on their children; and which they will need to fund.

This is not harsh, not even disrespectful or anything but loving. This is reality. They cannot base their security on groundless optimism or filial or neighbourly obligation.
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mally1 Mar 2019
I just LOVE the way you put things! (LOL)
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