Hubby handles all doctors appts 3/week and the usual ER visits as he is retired. His brother works full time and helps as much as he is able. His parents live alone, have limited resources and refuse to move. They are not able to drive and are past the point of caring for themselves. Sister in law "quit" helping when parents caused fights, I can't say I blame her. The parents lived with brother/wife until they insisted on going home. Parents' neighbor is a fantastic woman and does their food shopping/daily check-ins. I work full time and handle all medicine ordering, scheduling of dr's appointments.
I'm sick with guilt but we have no choice but to move.
Does anyone have any suggestions to help ease through this transition?
We're both sick over leaving his brother "holding the bag" and don't even know how to talk to him about it.
1. Get their important paperwork in order. Durable power of attorney both medical and financial. Living wills - hard but very necessary discussion to have with them both.
2. Groceries - can they be delivered? The neighbor is nice to do this for them but they likely also need help preparing meals for themselves. Look into hiring someone to cook and freeze meals that can be warmed up. Nutrition students at the local college probably need money to pay for school. When I was doing this for my in-laws, I bought a dozen or more pieces of Corning ware at the thrift store. Each meal contained protein, lots of veggies, and a starch. Nowadays the frozen food aisle at the grocery store has many healthy "cook in bag" meals and sides.
3. Housekeeping - who cleans their house now?
4. Transportation - what options are in their area? And why on earth are they going to the doctor 3 times each week? Is it for dialysis? Please explain a little bit more.
Three weeks is enough time to get some them some help. It may not be perfect by the time you move, and that's okay. It'll be a good start toward getting your in-laws to accept reality.
I was even worse where my husband is concerned but have decided not to be so available and start looking after myself as well
Adult children should not be forced to give up their lives and their livelihoods to support the charade of independence that is going on here.
Brothers should certainly sit down and talk about this and then visit parents and tell them that they are going to have to make other arrangements; the adult children should of course HELP with making the arrangements, but they shouldn't be hostages, now should they?
This might be the time to start an application process for Medicaid if that is in the future.
It sounds like selling the house and looking for Assisted living is the only option that would make sense.
Have a "Family Dinner" and tell the siblings that you are going to have to move and bring up the options that would be acceptable. And as I see it it would be...
Sell the house and move in with a sibling.
Sell the house and move to Assisted Living.
Have a sibling sell their house and move in with parents.
You can not place your live in "suspended animation" you have to move on and do what is right for you. (by "you" I mean your family)
I suppose there is one other option..sell the parents house and move them with you. You could look for a house with an "in-law" suite so they have their space and you have yours. (Locking doors between!)
By the way you mention in your profile you are caring for your Mom..how will your move effect that?
Moral of the story? Talk to brother ASAP! Right now! I can tell that your intention is not to hurt or burden him, but that is exactly what is going to happen, and it will be even worse the longer you wait. And for heavens sake go in with a game plan. Research home health and assisted living. Call your local Aging resource center. Set up meals on wheels. Hire a housekeeper. You get my drift.
my brother holds mom’s POA for finance. He does all her banking/bills online. Your husband certainly could handle his parents finances in the same manor.
Your parents are fortunate to have an attentive neighbor. Hire her!!
Call your Office of Aging and ask what kind of resources are available for in-laws. It wouldn't be fair for neighbor to take this on.
I think the conversation you need to have with BIL is about how the four of you (with SIL carefully insulated from direct contact, though she should certainly be free to contribute to the mind-map) create a united front in order to confront parents in law with the reality of their present and future needs.
If they wish to age in place, fine, good for them. But in that case they will very soon need a formal support structure; a support structure which must not rest on their children; and which they will need to fund.
This is not harsh, not even disrespectful or anything but loving. This is reality. They cannot base their security on groundless optimism or filial or neighbourly obligation.