A well intentioned former caregiver who charges my mother by the hour and wants my mom to move home secretly takes her to her home. My mother doesn’t tell me that. We haven’t done anything with her home or furniture because we’re waiting on LTHC approval. These visits are terribly upsetting and she becomes isolated and combative with staff when she returns. I’ve taken a hands off approach but this is becoming a problem.
Have you spoken to the AL social worker about not allowing your mother to be taken off the premises without your permission?
The caregiver sounds as though her intentions are for her to be paid as your mother's full time caregiver; she may be trying to get mom thrown out of the AL. I'd shut this down ASAP.
This caregiver has stepped way over the line. It's time for a hands-on approach.
If the AL cannot comply with doctor's orders, then it's time to move her to a secure Memory Care unit.
As POA, you have been given a gift of responsibility in caring for your mom. Both of my parents (now deceased) had dementia issues. My mom had Parkinson's disease and my dad had cancer which brought him to the point where he just couldn't make wise and healthy decisions for himself or my mom, so I was required to do this for them. (Both parents had 2 doctors state in writing that they could no longer make financial and health decisions. My dad willingly signed over the legal documents for me to make decisions first for my mom and then later for him.)
At the AL facility where my mom resided, we gave an approved list of people who were allowed to take my mom places. We also gave a very short list of people who could not have contact with her. Most facilities recognize that there are people, including family members and even grandchildren, who take advantage of the elderly and the vulnerable. The facility personnel, like those responsible for their loved one, don't want to have people visiting who will harm their resident in any way.
I had a great attorney who would have willingly assisted me with making sure my parents were safe and would have readily advised me in this situation. It would cost my parents' trust account to do this, but I (and my family) would have recognized it a justifiable expense—anything to keep our parents safe!
My parents' house was sold after my mom passed away and my dad had to move into a nursing care facility. I took time to discuss with my dad how much it cost to hold on to his nearly empty house. We did some updates to the house, took Dad through the house, sat outside for a bit to share memories we had for the years he and mom and us 5 kids grew up there—along with the years of hosting family gatherings with the grandchildren, and we even talked about the neighbors who had passed over the years. It was a sweet time—difficult, but necessary. Dad for those moments knew that the house was going on the market and that this part of our lives would change. Because we have the hope of a forever home in heaven, we've known all along that someday we will leave this earthly home and that all of this pain and turmoil will come to an end.
Don't tell her you have talked to the AL but inform the AL what people are allowed to take her out of the facility. Tell them and put it on the paper, that the Caregiver has been informed that she is no longer allowed to take Mom out of the facility. That if she tries, they are allowed to ban her from the facility. Their responsibility is to keep Mom safe.
If you don't feel comfortable with this caregiver, then ask the AL that she not be alone with Mom. That when she visits, she is to visit in the common area. Believe me, the CNAs have big ears. Residents talk and they hear. So if she continues to talk about "home" a CNA will hear. Moms AL was small, 39 rooms. So I knew most of the staff and would feel comfortable asking them to watch the Caregiver.
I agree too, to change the locks on Moms house.
That is really sensible advice. Agree with your thinking on this situation.
Anything done in secret is problematic, if it is okay, what are you hiding?
I would contact the caregiver and tell her what her actions are doing and that she needs to stop doing anything that causes mom so much upset.
If she chooses to ignore you, you can file an injunction for no contact.
I would also change the locks on the house, she could be helping herself to what she wants.
On the other hand, you can let them deal with it and live with her meltdowns. If they won't stop the outings after you put your wishes in writing they are playing with fire. If something happened while she was out, they would be responsible.
This is a tough one, picking your battles when you have someone that alleviates your burden is difficult.