It’s a long story, but my mother-in-law has been down here with my husband and I since 2015 diagnosed with vascular dementia. It has been a long and rough road. Her other son lives in Texas but beyond that she’s been in a home for 10 years she lived with us for a year and it didn’t work out. She has been angry she has Depression anxiety so we took her out of this last time that she was there for seven months and it was really bad. She’s been in the memory care area so we brought her in our home. We did things to upgrade and to take care of her that I could do my job. I thought I could do this, but she thinks her son is her husband and that I am another woman for 10 years. I took care of this woman and we never had no problem now all the sudden this happened is causing a lot of friction between me and him not that she’s thinking that, but he constantly defies everything I say or do to help her. He told me he would let me do it and work with her but now it’s different and he argues in front of her and she thinks it’s funny. He’s berating me and making me feel hate towards him and her because of this I don’t like this and I don’t know what to do. I feel frustrated and I wanna leave because I’m sick of being treated this way she used to get parade food over there where she was because she has a swallowing problem so we have to feed her sometimes and I see what I see is he’s frustrated because he thinks that I was gonna do everything and he was just gonna keep doing what he does because as he told me many times it’s his mother and he’ll take care of her while his brother lives in Texas and he said we need to work together and make these decisions. It’s all good when it’s benefits him he can sit on his iPad all day and do what he wants to do. He has retired and works two days a week I am with her most of the time I do have a caregiver coming in to give me a break Tuesday, Thursdays, and Sundays we do but I think she is getting spiteful because that we leave her alone with these people. She’s been acting out really bad and I don’t know what else to do I.
And yes, take a vacation by yourself. What would be fun for you? If money is an issue or you have other reasons you can't leave, book an inexpensive place locally on Airbnb. If you think he will do something like cut off your credit or debit card, take out enough cash for the week. Do not tell your husband where you're going, or where you are once you get there. He is retired so he can take care of his mother fully by himself while you're gone. If it disrupts his plans, that is the point.
When you get back, tell him he is now completely responsible for his mother's care. You will not do it anymore.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Stand up for yourself. Make changes to get yourself the quality life you deserve.
So here you are, it's today, and you're looking for a solution. There isn't an easy one, and we won't fix it any time in the near future.
UNLESS: You say to husband that you are not going to be doing this anymore. This is called setting a boundary. You can expect husband to be angry, yell at you, accuse you, and tell you in no uncertain terms that it's your job and you ARE going to do it, and he may threaten you also. You do not show any emotion at this point. You sit there You look him straight in the eye and say, "I am through being a care slave for YOUR mother, and I will not do it anymore."
He will repeat what he just told you and he will escalate the tension. Again you look him straight in the eye and say calmly, "I am through being a care slave for YOUR mother, and I will not do it anymore." You repeat this over and over until you either get up and walk out of the house or he does. You will already have your bags packed, and you will leave.
You don't care about husband. You don't care about mom. You don't care about brother, you just don't care. They are depending on you to act as you always have, but this is a new approach. They won't know what to do about it. Meantime, you're gone to wherever pleasant place you've arranged to go. It doesn't have to be a cruise. It can be a nice hotel for a week. During that time, they'll work something out for mom. If it's your choice to divorce, that week would be a great time for your lawyer's process server to deliver the divorce papers.
https://www.hollandamerica.com/en/us/find-a-cruise/a5g07e/k526
https://www.vacationstogo.com/ticker.cfm?t=y
You won’t have to cook. You will be fed.
You won’t have to clean. They will take care of you.
You can do whatever you want, even if it’s sleep in the cabin the whole cruise.
You need some fresh air, some sunshine and a body massage. Get a mani pedi.
Soak in the hot tub to ease your strained muscles.
Take in a few musical shows and get some fun entertainment in.
Let your husband handle her for a week. Heck, even take a 4 day cruise if you don’t want to do 7 day.
Shake things up. Nothing is going to change unless you change it.
Shows that one can be, ummmm, unpredictable.
And just, you know, let him know from mid-ocean where you are.
Just keep responding "Well, I just needed a break".
Only way I would change this is that it needs to be at LEAST two weeks.
Once home, just smile and be nice. It's a lesson in keeping him a bit off balance. To say the least. He will never know again how predictable it will remain when the shite hits the fan.
The problem is that you are allowing this to happen, and accept his bullying you.
For me it would be either she goes to MC or I would leave, problem solved.
The ball is in your court, time to stand up for yourself.
You have a slave-master, and he is a cruel one.
Wherever your MIL stays makes no difference. She isn't going to be happy. The difference with MIL in care is that ONE of you three is made unhappy. Now all THREE of you are miserable.
If husband will enter marriage counseling, you may have a chance. After hearing about him I doubt very much that he will.
I would secretly ( I stress that word) go to an attorney now, and file for division of finances and legal separation. I would then move in with a friend or into an efficiency apartment. I wouldn't speak to husband until papers are served as regards the separation.
That is what I personally would do. But you are an adult. You must do as you feel is best for your own life. Remember, however, no one here will change. You must now act for yourself and in your own protection, if you wish to have a decent life. Other option? Be the mistreated slave in the household.
I wish you the best of luck. None of this happened overnight. Your life won't be fixed overnight either. My own personal opinion given the little I know here is that your husband, with or without MIL, isn't much of a man. And I doubt that has been a great change overall throughout your life.
I am very sorry for all you're going through.
If she gets depression and anxiety in an NH then see needs meds.