We've talked about my husband and I moving in with Mom and Dad for years. We all four agree that it's time and I know I'm making the right decision. My husband is spending most of his time on the east coast getting our house ready to sell or rent. I'm planning to stay with Mom and Dad four weeks at a time with one or two weeks at home in between. Dad has been Mom's full-time caregiver for years but he's starting to feel overwhelmed. After three days I completely understand why. I feel so lonely and I worry that my own health isn't up to the job. I think my most important job is just keeping them company while my mom dies, but I'd like to do it without sacrificing my own mental health. How can I make some connections in a totally new community without leaving them alone for large amounts of time?
Go to www.aging.gov and find your state's resources. Look for The National Family Caregiver Support Program (it may have a slightly different name) and see what support they have to offer. Your local Area Agency on Aging should also be on the list. Keep checking into your community resources to see what you can do so you don't become bogged down in something that you can't handle.
We'd love to hear back from you as you settle in, and remember that your health is a priority for everyone's good.
Carol
Call Hospice.
If your Mom is eligible for Hospice services you will get help.
You will get a CNA that will come in and help you bathe her, help get her dressed a few days a week.
You will get supplies delivered to you, no going out to buy wipes, bed pads, ointments, creams, lotions or incontinence supplies, gloves and things like that.
A nurse will be assigned, she will check vitals weekly and order medications that will be delivered to you.
You will get equipment that you will need a Hoyer, or a Sit to Stand, Hospital Bed, commode, wheel chair....
You will have a Social Worker that you can talk to.
You will have a Chaplain assigned, you can choose to talk to the Chaplain or not, you can let them visit or not.
You will have the support of a Hospice member 24/7
I can not begin to tell you how much help and support my team has been. These people that come in to help us have become like members of the family. In some cases better because they show up and help out!
And you need a local support group that you can go to and vent, get ideas, and just cry if that is what you need to do. (On line like this is great but sitting with a group of real people is better.) And since you will be moving into a new area this is a good way to meet new people.
I am glad that you are able to move to help them out but do not let it destroy your life, your marriage by focusing solely on your parents.
In many cases Assisted living will benefit both your parents as well as you and your husband since you can still be a Daughter, A wife and not so much a full time caregiver. Sure there may be guilt about placing them but to maintain sanity that might be necessary.
And your Mom will only become MORE difficult to care for then you will do the same for your Dad.....
You rushed to the front of the bus and turned off the engine so no one was hurt, but the driver weighs 300 lbs and is slumped over the wheel so there is no way for you to drive even if you knew how. You call 911 and the ambulance is there in 20 minutes and you continue to do what you can for the driver but you are beginning to shake and your hands are ice cold even though the day is warm. you breath deeply to ward of one of your anxiety attacks. the driver is removed from the bus by the EMTs and eventually makes a good recovery.
"Ms WordNord we are hungry "a little chant rises from the back of the bus then another little voice joins in "I need to pee" "So do I" and suddenly they all do.
So you send the girls up the hill to go behind some trees and when they are all back up go the boys. You are getting a bit calmer but still in a panic. Now what.
One extra large boy swagers up to the front (he must have missed several grades) "Yo Ms Nord, I can drive this thing, me dad lets me drive his semi when he doesn't have a trailer" Tempting as it is you tell him "NO" "Well I kin show yer how" That sounds more tempting as the driver had told them they would be stoping to eat in ten minutes before he passed out so civilization must me close. Now the battery has gone dead on your cell so you can't call for help.
You decide to give it a try and slide behind the wheel but have to sit on the edge of the seat because your legs are shorter than the drivers. The boy sniggers. "Pull that lever and pull forward" Oh yes you see the lever and pull but nothing happens so the boy gets behind the the seat and suddenly you shoot forward. Now turn on the key, well you know where that is because you turned it off before. The big old diesel roars into life and you move your foot to the gas pedal. nothing happens except the engine roars even more. The boy mutters under his breath and luckily you don't catch it because you are certainly not what he just called you. "Foot on brake foot on clutch now ease up" he continues to instruct and finally the yellow monster jerks forward. Heart pounding in your chest you let the bus go it's own speed and it hits 5 miles per hour before you apply the brakes but relief is in sight the yellow arches are ahead.
You dare not pull off the road as there is not a chance you will maneuver the parking lot.
The kids pile out and run inside, you follow as fast as your wobbly knees will allow and order 36 hamburgers and a very strong cup of coffee.
Well you did it the kids are safely back at what goes for civilization in these parts.
You are white as a sheet and the guy behind the counter asks if you are OK. The whole story spurts out from your tearful lips.
You still don't know how you will get your charges home but at least now you can call the school. The principal is a very kind man and tells you to stay right where you are and get yourself something to eat, a relief driver if not himself will be there within the hour. You sink into a seat with a double order of fries and a second cup of coffee. The big boy swaggers past and slaps her on the back "Yer did goodMrs " he mutters.
Now the moral of this story is that there is always a way round everything and you are at the stage where the driver just slumped over the wheel.
!. Don't let yourself get in the situation, that is have enough help on hand
2. Prepare for an emergency,that is become educated.
3. When you are in too deep, find help apply for home health aides etc
4. Don't panic, always have a plan B
5. Review your mistakes, so you don't keep repeating them.
6. Develop a plan of action.
Sit down and think about what you can and can not do then divide it into things you simply are not prepared to do. Make yourself a schedule and I stress yourself not your loved one however much you feel h/she is capable. They either have become unable or have no intention so concentrate on what they continue to demonstrate they are able. For example they may be able to unload the dishwasher but not load it or put the dishes away. Don't make unessesary work for yourself by insisting they do something which they never do right. you can not teach someone with dementia. In other words pick your battles and stick to your arrangements. If you take Mom shopping on Tuesdays then that is what you do. No harm in picking up something that she really needs later in the week.
Assisted Living may or may not be the answer for your parents in your case but get your ducks in a row well ahead of time.
Make sure all the paperwork is properly in place with the help of a good eldercare lawyer.
Find a caregiver support group. The Alzheimer's Association has a complete list of links to state offices where you will find a list of meetings in your area. Look into adult daycare in the area to give you and him both a break. Call you Area Agency on Aging for information on resources available. Seek counseling, these are huge changes, very stressful ones, and hubby should also attend when he gets there.
What if the house does not sell? What are your options then?
See All Answers