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MP, how is your mom doing?
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Told you let her go you full
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Give her a goal. Mom when you can do XXX by yourself then we can talk about coming home. I did that with my mother and after a couple of reminders she stopped asking and started sharing her progress on the goal. Praise her for any small progress.
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Hilary65, Thank you for sharing so deeply. I too, have guilt, even though I was there. I wasn't as calm as I would have like to have been and I feel I didn't do enough to relieve my father's suffering by requesting more medication. I live with images in my mind, as I think you do, that are hard to shake. Telling our story, writing about it and persevering through the guilt and pain of it, is the only thing I can think of to do at this point. And remembering all we DID do for our parents to help their quality of life in their last years and months. We both tried our best and I keep thinking that my Dad would want me to be happy and not dwell too much on the pain. I am not there yet, but I am striving to be. A friend of mine who had similar experience with her parent in a facility said something to me that gave more perspective: the people in the facilities (SNF, hospital, ALetc) are the professionals. It is their job to guide and help us help our loved ones. They are paid and supposedly trained for this. We are part of a dysfunctional system, in my opinion. Yes, as individuals we may have been ineffective in some ways. But we don' t live in a vacuum. We could only do what we were capable of in that moment within that larger system. It doesn't assuage the guilt or sadness for me yet, but I try to distract my mind with this thought when things start to feel really bad. You were a good daughter and a blessing to your Mom. I wish you the best.
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I think the idea of not visiting quite so often is one that should still be considered. This was suggested to me by the rehab social worker, who explained to me that my Mom was very dependent on me. Visiting and staying all day just made my Mom want me to care for her more and she used my visits there as an excuse for not doing her pt. Everyone is different, so you have to find what works. I found that sometimes going to her pt sessions helped. Problem is, you also have a life, especially if you work or have young children. The idea is to NOT abandon your loved one, but to get them to do basic self-care if they are able. Rehab is NOT the same as an ALF.
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I agree with debsent. You have to hit that middle ground, even if it may seem uncomfortable to step back a bit. It is like taking a child to the first day of kindergarten. You want to hover, the child is clingy, and you hate to leave. But you just steel yourself and walk out, knowing the child is in good hands during that time. My mom was getting ready for bed at 5:30 so I could get her situated before the overnight helper came. She would rather that and me be involved than trust the caregiver! Again, just like children you are not helping by enabling. Be involved, but do your best to let go of some of the strings. You will both be better off.
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Read Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent.

It sounds like your mom is exactly where she needs to be. It may be time to realize that she can never go home. My mother is 95 and in a great nursing home. My MIL is 92 and is an equally great assisted living.

No more worrying if they have fallen, been taken advantage of, getting bathed, dressed, fed, etc. They are both safe and that is the main thing.

If you are your mother's caretaker, think about what will happen to her, if she survives you. That is exactly what happened in our family. We feel that mother's neediness resulted in my sister's premature death, at age 69.

My MIL sold everything and went to AL, after a stroke. It made everything as easy as possible on her "kids" ages 61, 65, 68 and 70. :)
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Chicago - will never do this to my kids. For one thing, I'm not all that fond of having them giving me a bath/shower. Thank you very much. If I'm going to lose any dignity, it's going to be a stranger who's seen it all .... I believe as people start seeing what the increase in aging has done to those 'younger' than them, i.e., those who used to be seen as 'older', they, too, will begin to think about this long before what remains of our WWII parents.
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la55cagirl, thanks for your words. It is true that my mom would not want me to dwell, but it's very hard not to. Also, it's true that the nursing staff is trained, but in my many hours there, I witnessed such poor care - for my mom and others - that I feel I could write a book about it! They do their best, and some are truly great at what they do, but so many are not. The system is very broken and needs many, many improvements.
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She's probably being combative because she probably thinks she's never going to see home again and I don't blame her. No one wants to be ripped out of their home and if she wants to go home and someone is willing to help with whatever she's getting at the facility, then see if you can arrange that because it will probably be cheaper to do for her at home what they are doing at the facility. There's only one condition though, she must do whatever it is the facility wants her to do. I would first find out if she's being cooperative at the timer of her therapy if so, then you may want to consider whether or not it would really be safe for her to come home. If so, you may be able to bring her home and carry on with her therapy at home. You can even have a visiting therapist come to her home to help with her therapy. If you do get to bring her home, warn her that the moment she becomes non-compliant she's going right back to the facility and enforce that boundary. What I would do is give her warning's along the way and make her choose between her therapy or being forced back into the facility. If she won't heed to any of the warnings, then it's back to a facility
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This thread is 3 years old.
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