How do I get mom into assisted living without physically forcing her?

Try to convince her for assisted living, she will definitely improve her health and enjoy the environment there. My mother also refuses for assisted living. I met my mother with an old lady living in Luvida Memory Care and my mother was greatly influenced by her and joined the assisted living.

if your mother owns her own house and only has social security, she can qualify for a homecare person to come in through medicaid, in Illinois it is cash and counseling, a disabled (incompetent) person does not have to go into the nursing home against their will, IT IS AGAINST THE LAW.

The information OUT THERE is always confusing.

What you need is a person willing to come, at the time specified, have them be hired and continue showing up. When the house is sold medicare gets theres otherwise their is nothing to do , go to the department of aging, Lutheran Social services until you get answers you need. If you are still living in the house you also have rights as her caregiver...their is a statute in Ilinois if you have taken care of your mother for two years or more, what ever state you are in check out what applies. A little work and walla nothing drastic has to happen unless it needs to happen.

Yes, you are going to have to call 911. Then, have her transported to the hospital. Hopefully, it will get better from there and you will be able to get her the nursing care in a facility, that she needs. Do not let her come home and speak with the doctors and get them to support you. Our mother's bath lady called the ambulance for us.

I believe my mother may be getting worse. After screaming and yelling at my sister blaming her for the TV shutting off (my mother had the remote). My mother went into the laundry room and got a screwdriver and punched a hole in the window then tried to pry open the window. After that didn't work she then tore the screen off the window and started screaming "Help!!" and no my sister wasn't doing anything to her that would have caused her to scream this. Afraid she would hurt herself my sister attempted to get the screwdriver out of her hand. and that didn't go so good. Luckily my brother and his wife was on his way over and got there just in time before somebody got stabbed. My brother said next time call 911. I hate seeing all of us go through this.

My mom has moderate dementia. I am her POA and the co-owner of her house. I am worried about how I will get my to assisted living. I know it is not safe for to be alone when I am at work. She goes to Adult Day Care 5 days a week from around 9:00 -- 3:30. Then she is alone in the evenings. I spend the nights with her on my days off. My mom's social worker says that there is not enough funding for to go to Adult Day Care and to have agency come in for Home Care. I know that Adult Day Care is good for her. I don't what her to give up Adult Day Care, so that she can have agency come in with home care. I wish that there she could have Adult Day Care and someone come in to check on her when I am at work. I did check to see about Reverse Mortgage. I was told that I would have to get my name of the title of the house in order for my mom to get the Reverse Mortgage. I don't want to do that, because I will taking care of the house when my mom goes to assisted living. There is a loan in my name for getting the roof replaced on the house. They said that someone has to be living in the house for 15 years or the loan will have to be paid back. It doesn't feel like my mom's social worker is helping too much with getting my mom to change her mind about going to an assisted living facility. I know that I will need a lot of help with this transition. I hope that nothing happens to my mom while she is by herself when I am at work. I am trying to help my mom stay in her house as long as she can, but her confusion and memory loss is getting worse.

Lot's of good info in the above posts. But some clarification needs to be made. A house with a reverse mortgage can be sold as any other mortgaged home can. You have the option of selling the home if there is equity in it or letting it go to the bank if the equity is gone. If the owner is leaving the home, it will have to be sold after a period of 12 months normally. You may want to try a Line of Credit with a bank. This will be MUCH less expensive than a reverse mortgage.

As for a POA, there are two basic types, one needs person/parent to be deemed incompetent before the agent can act on the their behalf. (springing powers) The other grants power to the agent immediately upon signing. Our firm recommends the latter in most cases as our parent's age. This is also good if our parents are traveling and the child(ren) take over to pay their bills while the parents are on the road. When something happens, if you have springing powers, it will normally take a week or more to get two unrelated doctors to deem the person incompetent. Sometimes decisions need to be immediate. Also, there are two POA's needed, one for financial and a separate one for medical. We recommend separate ones for privacy reasons. Doc's/hospital doesn't need to know financial and visa versa.

As for getting mom to a facility, many times to can visit several times for lunch/meal....and get them comfortable with the surroundings. Some facilities might be able to get some of their residents to friend mom by introductions...then next meal visit, they will know someone. If things get bad or dangerous, you can have them 302'd, which is a forcefull way, but legal. We have one client who's been in a memory care unit for a couple years.
He still carries clean underwear and a couple hundred dollars for when he can find his way out. His family was just short of the 302 route.

Good luck, we are beginning to go through much of this with my parents and not looking forward to where I know we are headed. No matter how much we help our clients with this....it's even harder when it's you! Good luck

londa01, you said she had a house, hence the suggestion, You could get a reverse mortgage on it, or sell and take her in. No one really has the money and thats how they do it. Thats why I did and why I suggested home care, I was only thinking of your Moms best interests.

Of course Reverseroles that is what we all would love to do. The problem is as I stated in my post we have to work and can't afford to pay for anyone to come in and watch her. I am also glad you have a husband that is willing to support you but unfortunately I don't I even have to do everything for my daughter. Everyone's family life and situation is different. Thank you lwentanon that was great advice and I will check on it.

Being a disabled person your mother can stay in her own home and have paid caregivers, in Illinois they are put out by the Department of Rehab.

If she owns her home and her only income is social security, then DORS (Cash and Counseling) pays for the caregiver and... upon her death when the house is sold DORS claims their repayment, saving you the hassle of selling or anything else of her house now or where her house can appreciate and continue to grow in value.

If she has a cash account, there are rules for how much money can be in there for them to qualify, for the program. Talk to a DORS professional or what ever the program is in your state.

londa01, what a sad sad story:0( about your Mom crying. It sounds like everyone is trying to make her decisions for her and she has a right to do what she wants Sell her Van that she loves? Thats ridiculous! Move her out of her lifetime home? She is depressed and needs lots of love and maybe medication. If I were you I would immediately take the FMLA and ask her come to your house, or you go to hers, thats what I did. This will give you time to console her, tell her how much she means to you, make decisions, plans, arrangements, etc, and see what she wants in all of this. Of course she is all you think about, its your mother. Your husband should be supportive, wouldnt he want the same treatment if it were him, or his parent? Sorry to be blunt but my Mom with severe dementia/alz has been living with us almost six years now and my husband is wonderful, we cannot do anything without hiring someone to come in, he supports me and helps me roll her to change her diaper every night. If anything, he says to me all the time how strong I am, and how proud he is of me, thats a true partner. Medicaid pays for a Van ride to and from Daycare, and for Daycare. When she can no longer go to Daycare they will give you forty hours at home, I know this first hand from my close friend and her Mom. Pay the $20 an hour for home care,and when the money is all gone she should then qualify for medicaid. Or, go on care dot com and find your own person for her. Remember she is ultimately the boss and will go right down hill if you change her environment when she doesnt want you to. Think about it, would you want someone to pull you out of your home, or be alone and afraid, or feel as though you have no life? Oh tough to get old, pooooor thing:0(. Please tell her you love her every day and keep dropping by just to visit, eventually she will let you help in her care. I did that nine years after my dad died, and before my Mom moved in with us, every weekend and 1-2 evenings after work, its hard but my Mom was a peach bringing me up and deserves it. Good Luck.

I have experienced one problem back in July 2013. After my mother had experienced several falls in the past year, her doctors and social workers would not allow her to return back home to our condo near S.F. CA, so she was moved from a nearby nursing home to assisted living in SSF. She hated it there because she lost all of her independence and no one was available to take her out, either. I had to look for a new job myself. The day of Mom’s errands, my brother and his wife drove a rented car, and I drove my own car separately to the assisted living, where I met Mom there for her outing. My out-of-state brother and his wife and I took my Mom, who is in her early nineties, out to a salon and restaurant. When time came to return Mom back to her assisted living residence, Mom got very upset and starting screaming in protest. She thought my brother was going to drive us back home to our condo residence when he actually was taking her back to her assisted living residence. What I did when we arrived at the assisted living was to walk back about a half block to my own car and quickly drove back home by myself to our condo where Mom could not go back to. I learned later that my brother and his wife could not get her back into the assisted living care home where Mom had been placed in the month of June 2013. She got so irate and refused to walk back in that the staff had to call the police to come and talk Mom into going back into the care home residence!

Oh my goodness I am overwhelmed at the outpouring of advice and support...I thank you all. Ok so to answer a couple of your questions. I have researched every possible avenue. We were and still are trying to go through Medicaid but they only pay for nursing homes and I check every nursing home in the area and I hated all of them. My mother is not sick enough for that yet. Medicaid told us that they would give us a 6 month grace period to sell the home but then after the home is sold we would have to use that money to pay for the nursing home. Nursing homes run in my area $6-$10,000. So I was thinking well if we are going to have to pay anyway we may as well still sell her house and use that money to put her in a nicer apartment. I found one called Poets Walk and it looks so nice it is brand new (opened this June). We looked into hiring someone to come in and watch her but they charge $20 an hour which we can't afford w/o selling her home (all of us are living paycheck to paycheck). We explained the circumstances to the bank and they didn't seem to have a problem with it we just have to fill out a bunch of paperwork. My brother is POA but he is a tractor trailer driver so this whole process has been delayed for months. I have been pretty much doing everything but it always stalls when I need POA to do stuff. She refuses to make my POA because she feels men should be in charge. My other brother is POA but does not really come around to much. I would love for her to stay in our childhood home but we all have to work and my sister is getting impatient with us because she wants to move into her apartment. She has a lot of brothers and sister and in-laws they have a lot of suggestions and they are all retired but not one has thrown up there hand and said they would help. My mother just sits in her chair, watches tv, walks out to the deck back and forth all day...while crying. She says she has no life and that she does the same thing over and over again. I try to let her know that she can sweep, water the plants...do something so she won't be doing the same thing over and over again. She said she is to weak and tired which is not true she is either too depressed to do anything or she is just used to us doing everything. She has been refusing showers constantly...we have even hired someone to come in and they spend 4 hours convincing her and she refuses.. It is hard for us to take her anywhere because she stink so bad and knows she stinks but does not care. That is why I believe this Alzheimers/Dementia facility would be good for her because there are people her age, in the same position, she may be motivated to start keeping herself up, and also have someone to talk to. She has over 24 acres of property and they advised us that we will probably only get $210,000 for it which is hard for me to believe. The realtor advised us because of the location (country) it pisses me off because me and my husband lift on a quarter acre and if we sold it we would probably get that...just doesn't make any since to me. Yes, our plan is to sell the home use all that money to pay for her facility expenses and then when that runs out use Medicaid but I also thinks she has enough income to continue paying it throughout her life. I feel sorry for her after my dad dies she would occupy herself by reading novels all day(she has well over 300 novels in her home) but now that she has lost her vision in her left eye, she can't read, drive or ride her lawn mower which she enjoyed doing all of that...and now my brother suggested we sell her van to a family friend so we can get her in the facility now while we are waiting for the Reverse Mortgage to go through....I told him I didn't think that was a good idea right now (my mother is obsessed about people using her van) bad enough we are moving her into the facility, then trying to sell her home ..I think we should go slow on selling her van too. The whole situation is so depressing...it is all I think about and it is affecting my marriage...

My mother lived alone until she was nearly 94. One day, a CNA thought that Mother was having a heart attack and insisted that an ambulance be called. Mother had broken ribs and congestive heart failure. Since she lived alone, she was not allowed to return home. She adjusted well and is in a NH. I think she knew she needed to go. So, you may need to wait this out and if she has an emergency, then she won't be allowed home. I don't think that you can force her to go.

I worked with my mother's Doctor who insisted and made my Mother promise to look at Assisted Living. She reluctantly did. Then she made another trip to the ER (she made multiple trips over the last years) and Rehab. But this time something had to be done and she agreed. The social worker and RN that came and evaluated her said she was a good candidate and they would have an opening for her. So I signed her up with her approval however, when she got to the Assisted Living she said she had not given me permission to move her. That was untrue and I have witnesses that said she agreed. She did not speak with me for two months and it was difficult for her I know. I asked for her forgiveness and told her I was sorry but only wanted her to be safe and she forgave me but still has not adjusted and maybe never will. I did have home health care but she always found fault in them and fired them. It was a real struggle for her and me being 1300 miles away and getting calls in the middle of the night and never knowing when the call would come from the hospital. So I waited a long time before I took action. I tried having help come in. But she is difficult to please. Social workers have been a God send and so has the facility in which she now lives.
My mother is 96 years old, poor eyesight, nearly blind, very hard of hearing, and her knees are so bad she can barely walk, congestive heart failure and anemia. We found medication on the floor of her apartment and other tell tales sign of a woman in trouble.
The state she lives in will help pay for Assisted Living just make sure the facility will take Medical Assistance and Elderly Waiver when your mother runs out of money. Ask about that when you are looking.
Blessings to you as you find a solution to this problem.

Reversroles brings up a good point - use the reverse mortgage money for home care, and she can stay in her home AND have care!!! perfect solution!!

LOTS of good advice by folks.

Care facilities have often simply taken the deed to pay for the care, in past.
But if a property is too valuable, it needs sold outright, then put the funds in an account that is administered by the POA.
I sure hope you or someone proper, has POA by now--to prevent anyone taking advantage of your Mom!

Not sure I understand why you plan to do a Reverse Mortgage to get her into a facility, then sell it?
Reverse Mtg. make monthly payments based on the equity, to the elder[s], or to whom they designate, for whatever they need---with certain caveats.

If she isn't actually living in the home, & there's no spouse living in the home, the contract defaults and the house has to be sold, I believe?
..Maybe not all of the Reverse Mtgs do that??
Maybe you meant you had information about one that didn't require living in the home?

Funds from a real estate sale may, --or not--, equal the amount of care the elder receives, so turning over an entire property to the facility's ownership, may -not- be appropriate!
Allowing the facility to govern use of funds, is also -not- very appropriate.

IF you are trying to spend down her assets, it's better to do it by selling the assets, govern the account holding them properly as POA,
then once it's gone, & if the elder still needs care, they can access State helps and other helps.
[[IF she was going to give assets to heirs, that had to have been done more than 5 years BEFORE she needs any State helps.]]

Your local Area Agency on Aging has access to some FREE legal helps--make a list of questions--hopefully that can be "yes or no" answers--lawyers are complicated though--what you think is a simple yes/no can turn into a dissertation!
You have to make an appointment with the person at Area Agency on Aging for seeing one of these lawyers--they usually have a day of the week for it, and it's half-hour slots.
I don't think there is much limit on how many appointments you can have.

Elders can be REAL stubborn!
The more they lose function, the worse that gets.

SOMEtimes, the "choice" has to be made for them, like it or lump it.
Those cases can get ugly.
But taking them for a ride, or doing something they like, then ending up at the new place, is usually a good thing.

For Mom, everything was a perfect storm of events--her spouse had medical emergency, she was staying many hours at hospital with him; there was a small fire at her house; fire dept came; City announced it was unfit for habitation [because of her enormous messes & massive disrepair, not the fire!]; her spouse needed hospice...]
They weren't allowed to return to it, except to gather personal belongings.
That's one way.
Health officials or Social Worker from Area Agency on Aging, might help by declaring her place unfit, forcing her to move to her "new apartment" in the facility.

One GMa was till driving; family dreaded her reaction at taking her license. Family got the DMV to do it---she was not slated to have to take the driving part of the test again, but family made sure it happened, because she still passed the written parts---they made sure she failed the driving parts, and she lost the license--with which she complied--and it was not her caregiver's fault, then. It was "those rotten [bleep!] officials"!

If an elder is confused enough, prepping the new place with some of her belongings, arranged in familiar ways, then driving her on a day trip to sight-see, ending up with taking her to visit some friends [who happen to be there too at her new "home" , could work.
...since her things are there, & friends are there to greet her and talk, it gets familiar sooner than later.
In this instance, plan on spending plenty of time there with her to help the transition, ending in helping tuck her into bed when she's sleepy.

For one Gma, w/ Alzheimers, family convinced her it would be easier for her to take care of a smaller apartment--she'd always been logical--so fewer of her things were moved there, and then she was moved in. Somehow, she didn't make much fuss that ALL her stuff was not moved there with her--just certain most recognizable things.

Another Gma was very lucky to have family who could take care of her in her home til she died.
Other elders have family who slowly remove stuff some at a time, where it's less missed--out of the back of cupboards, out of closets, less used corners of the hosue get "cleaned" and "put in better order", or, maybe get "taken to storage", or, various family members can tell the elder "why yes, Gma, I have your dresser at my house--I even pout your favorite lamps on it the same as you have had them..." It is often a relief the items are being cared for the way they have done it for so long.
[[I was lucky--she couldn't really climb the stairs to get into my apartment, so she couldn't check up on stuff!--so I just kept reassuring her things were just as she would have them, only at our place]]

But I believe one cannot use a Reverse Mortgage to pay for facilities--the elder MUST live at their home and use the RM to pay for home helps she needs, there.
Do check with Area Agency on Aging.
MANY people have been thru this, and lots of good information is shared;
the Agency has LOTS of people they can refer you to, for better direction, if they don't have answers.

One important bottom line:
AVOID yourself going into poverty in order to support your Mom in her home--that is not realistic.
The STATE does not demand families go destitute, nor damage their own health and welfare, in order to support elders or disabled family members.
There are resources, from one source or another, that can manage to take care of Mom.
The STATE does not want to end up taking care of the adult children, if they went into the hole taking care of elders. Adult children need to guard their resources, to make sure they have enough to take care of themselves.

I agree with Joannes, hire help at home . Would you want to move , especially at that age and while grieving? If you want her to go down-hill and be depressed then do it, otherwise use that reverse mortgage for in home care and let her stay home where she wants to, poor thing.

Unless you are on the title also, I don't believe you can do a reverse-mortgage, as you have to physically live in the home. Check into it to be sure. Assisted living isn't a nursing home, per se, so there really shouldn't be much "forcing" required - just explain it's an apartment that also has the bonus of someone checking on you to be sure you're safe - that's all she needs to know.

If the house is in your mother's name and she doesn't want to sell it you will have a problem. I would contact a good elder attorney to get some legal views on this problem. If she declines mentally/physically more than she might be open to have a home health aide in or consider a ALF or NH placement. Living 45 yrs in her home --she feels secure there. I think there are problems with trying to use a reverse mortgage to pay for her ALF fees. The Reverse mortgage people presume you continue to live in the home and do a certain amount of upkeep for the rest of your mother's life. Perhaps investigate using the reverse mortgage (if she is of limited means) to fund her paying for a live in home health aide. This may be a case where the children dig deep to keep the parent where they wish to be. Remember NH and /ALF are using only used for the last 1-3 yrs of the elders life. When we try to extend that period it tends not to work because they don't have enough income or savings to carry themselves for a 5-10 yr period and while all the NH and ALF do a big sales job on the front end (getting the elder in) they don't want the elder if their money runs out and they can't pay the monthly fees. Now the key is if we knew how long we all live but we don't. My father lived to 93 which neither he or I would have predicted.
There is no easy road here. Look at her health, your health, the finances of each of you and your sister, what is possible with the legal and medical advice. We all just do the best we can. Medicaid will kick in once your mother uses up all her assets however, do you want her to be a Medicaid patient? Which facilities will take her on Medicaid for the rest of her life that are decent? These are the questions I asked myself when I was caring for my elderly very disabled father.

Pumpkin~I was in the same position you are in now with my mother. Unfortunately I had to wait it out until she became incapacitated. Regarding my post earlier, my mother took out a LTC policy 13 years ago that is paying for her care in memory care. She is getting excellent care, better than I could give her as a 24/7 caregiver. Yes she wants to go home all the time and this will be how it is as long as she remembers she has a house. I just deal with that part of it when I visit her. I am not saying I do not have guilt but it does not get to me like it does with my sister.

Pumpkin, does your mother have any friends or people she keeps in touch with that she truly trusts. We were blessed because mom had 2 older woman...one a volunteer with AARP who did her income taxes....the other a former co-worker. These lovely souls would help to keep me informed on my mothers situation because mom would talk with me or sis about what she was feeling or struggling with. I was over my mom's house daily, 2-3 times a day...once to give her medication at the same time during my lunch breaks, another just to check on her and make sure she was safe, and on my days off work...a 3rd time to bring her home cooked food. My mom refused to have home health come in her home even though the LTC would cover it. She got more confused thinking that if she cancelled the policy she would not have to go into a care facility. We were able to stay one step ahead of her because these two ladies understood and worked with during this period. The volunteer is 93 years old....my mom is 84, such a difference in their cognitive abilities. It is such a shame that Alz/dementia has to happen to anyone.

My mom has moderate dementia. I am the POA, because her memory and cognitive skills are getting worse. My mom should be in an assisted living facility, but she refuses to leave her home. I had the paperwork all signed for an assisted living facility, and my mom had a tour of the place. My mom said that she likes the facility, but she is really stubborn. She doesn't want to move out of her house. I do what I can to help her with shopping, cooking, laundry, and other stuff. She goes to adult day care 5 days a week, so I give her medications on the week=ends. I spend the nights with her on my days off. It feels like it isn't enough, because she is alone while I am at work. I am not sure what to do.

There are lots of wonderful answers here. You may find an assisted living with dementia care that offers a trial program of one to three months. You can assure your mom that the house will still be there if she decides to return. This may make the transition easier for her and then, if she stays, you can sell the house without having to go through the reverse mortgage process too.

My Mom was to stubborn to leave her apartment even though She had fallen several times because of the arthritis in her knee. We knew that she was not eating right, not taking good care of herself, and that because of her worsening Alzheimer's we feared that She was not taking her meds correctly. Long story short, I called her doctor's office and took her to see the doctor, (She insisted that She had an appointment even though She didn't). The doctor had to call an ambulance and put her in I.C.U. because She had a heart attack because She forgot to take her blood pressure medicine. She was in the hospital 16 days and then they had to put her in a nursing home. Now, She is confused most of the time and thinks that She is still in her apartment. She can't walk yet, but now we know that She is eating better and that She is taking her medicines right. It might have been avoided if I could have just been able to convince her and some of the family members that She needed to be in assisted living. She almost died because of her fear that someone might know how sick and un-independent She really was.

My mother was like so many in that she had lived in her house for 45 years. Her mental state was going down hill but not enough that we could force her to move or have in home care (she didn't want "strangers" in her house and said there was nothing for them to do). It got to the point where we had to unplug the stove, do her wash (she'd wear the same thing for a week), hide her car keys, etc. We tentatively lined up an assisted living. When she decided to walk a mile to the store she fell and fractured her wrist. We told her she had to go into the assisted living for a month just to get her in the front door. Once she was there she wasn't happy for the first 3 months. She tried "escaping" several times. We didn't even take her out to lunch the first month because we were afraid we wouldn't be able to get her back in. BUT.....once there we realized how dangerous it had been for her to live alone. Her house had rotten food in the frig, wet depends piled in her bedroom, a leaking pipe in her bathroom, burnt food she had tried to microwave while still in the box, a stack of unpaid bills. She has now adjusted, she doesn't want to live by herself and she has made some friends. It is a difficult situation and I don't envy your position. Good Luck.

does your mom have a doctor that she trusts? You can get whoever she trusts (in a position of authority) talk to her. This worked for my mom, but at the very last minute she refused to leave her home in S.C and move back home to PA. It was a dicey drive to say the least. Moved her into the facility two days later and they made a big deal about her coming there (which she loved) and actually assigned a buddy to be with her for the first week. It took a good month before she felt at home. Get the facility to help as much as they can. they should have social workers who are very adept at situations like this. Good luck. You are doing the best thing for her. We have all been there.

If you ever figure that out, please let me know. I have two friends facing that situation right now. Neither have dementia though. Both are very stubborn, independent types.

One is blind in one eye and the other eye is going, has to use a walker all the time and has bladder problems. She doesn't drive anymore. Her daughters live quite a distance and can't help her. The daughters want her to go to assisted living and are putting pressure on her.

The other can't lift anything because of a shoulder problem and must use a walker all the time. She will lose her driver's license in Dec (and really shouldn't be driving now). Both are 86 years old. She never had children, but there is a neice who lives in another state. The neice wants her to go to assisted living out near her.

Neither can take care of their three bedroom houses anymore. One has hired a cleaning person - both have hired yard care. One can only sponge bath, but otherwise they both take care of their personal needs. They are not eating properly. I worry about them living alone but I'm only their friend. I've offered the solution of a live-in caregiver, but neither wants a stranger in their homes.

Is it possible to also give her the choice to stay in the home with caregivers coming in to help her, so you don't have to go over 2-3 times per day? As you run out of money and have to turn towards Medicaid, it is now permitted to have them pay for help so the elderly can stay in their home too. Maybe if she had several choices that were acceptable and safe for her, and she could be part of making the choice, it would go better? I was able to keep my Dad at home for 6 months longer than case manager was recommending by finding a private care giver to come in just 6 hours/day, 4 days per week to start, and eventually she came 6 days/week for 5 hours per day. After Dad was placed, she spent 6 months staying with Mom who was recovering from a back fracture. Now, Mom is still home alone, with panic necklace and home alarm system in place, but eventually she will also need to be placed. Both my parents wanted to die in their own home and never leave, but they fight any notion of help. They apparently never considered how the care needs expand the older they get....and neither did I! My eyes are totally opened now though, and in the end, it's all a matter of doing what is safe for them, not always what they WANT if they cannot be coorperative.

If you mom truly cannot make decisions for herself you can have her Dr. write a note stating that. If there is already a Power of Attorney, they can help make the decisions but if not you will need to appoint a proxy. Get all of the family together and decide one person to become the sole decision maker for her. Have everyone sign the forms (you can find proxy forms on the internet just by googling it). Selling a house is not the same as a reverse mortgage, but it could provide you with money to support the assisted living. I suggest just simply selling the house. A reverse mortgage is a lot of work if nobody is going to live in the house.

As for the reverse Mtg, My 93 yr old Dad has one. He takes monthly payments and his balance is almost gone. when it is gone he can STAY in that house until he dies as long as he pays taxes+upkeep.If he moves out and does not return after 12 months then he will have to start repaying or will have to sell. You can sell your house anytime during this and any profit you make OVER the original RM is yours, you only repay them what they gave you,if his sells for less than loan amount(with this bad economy) we don't owe them the difference,they absorb that. Because his is almost at an end(been almost 4 yrs as he did not take a large lump sum) we are now selling his second property to use for his care -he wants to stay "home" and we'll let himas long as it's feasable.

I think it is just great that you are asking that question here. So many people have great advice after going through the same challenges.

Something that worked for me... Maybe find others who have moved and have her meet them casually and without pressure. My mom met people who were so happy to have moved that she started thinking it would be fun. She met them in all kinds of places throughout her community like at the library and even her dental assistant. The facility will also help with ideas too.

Take it slowly and keep trying all kinds of things. Talk with everyone in the area and ask what works for them.

Stay open ... you may find another facility or other solutions along they way as well that you and she like even better. This is a special part of life where you both may meet interesting and kind people. I hope you both can find a way to enjoy this task ahead of you.

I thought it was a burden for me at first taking time from my life and work and in retrospect, I now realize it was an interesting puzzle that we got to solve together.

Someone told me to try to change my perspective to a good one. I think you may already have a good perspective. The advice I got was to think of it as an interesting challenge and look for the good that may come from the investigation ... like meeting new people, learning about how you want to live your life going forward and finding clues to a mystery in our lives.