They come over everyother weekend and Mom ends up paying for the meal. My Brother and his wife live only two blocks away from us andI guess he figures calling her three times a week he is fullfilling his obligation. Mom wants all of us to get together to have a "Family Meeting" but is afraid that my brother will become angry at her or me . I am willing to keep my mouth closed because I will get aggrivated with him,he should know that we need him and he just doesn't get it. He always says if you need me call, but Mom or I should not have to call it should be an automatic thought. Can anyone give me advice as to how to get a Family Meeting started?
I disagree with all the folks who want you to go easy on your brother. The telling part of your question was he came over and had his mother pay for the meal. Really??
I would let your mother talk turkey to him if she has the ability to do it. A mother can extract a commitment from a child better than a sibling can.
If someone says call me if you need something to a sole caregiver, they are actually saying don't bother me.
This may see harsh but really lives nearby and thinks a bit of phone does his bit. Give me a break.
He knows he isn't doing enough if he has a normal or above average IQ.
Elizabeth
When you say mom ends up paying for the meal, are you going to a restaurant or is she cooking at home? If she is cooking at home, is cooking this meal something your mother looks forward to doing since your brother and his wife are coming over? You could suggest a pot luck so everyone contributes. But if your mom looks forward to cooking a meal that includes your brother, I wouldn't take that away from her.
If there are some specific things that need to be done around the house that your brother can take care of, ask him if could do it. You may want to keep in mind is it worth a family fight if your brother is supportive emotionally but not actively participating. Family dynamics are complicated for example, my husband would not go see his grandmother when she went in a nursing home. He wanted to remember her as she was before. His family accepted that and never put pressure on him. Before she went in the NH, my husband would take our two children over to his grandmother's house every other weekend. My son mowed her lawn, my daughter would help weed. Sometimes it come down to what people value as being helpful too. My mother only values actual work, not the time you spend with her. I won't do actual work such as fixing things around her house because she complains it isn't good enough. She can afford to hire a professional to do just doesn't want to spend the money. Good luck to you and your family!!
It may be that your brother thinks you are doing such a good job that he's not needed. Since he calls so much, he may just be waiting for you to ask him to help. I bet he would if you let him know what he can take charge of. He may even appreciate it, knowing that he could look back and remember how he was part of Mother's caregiving team.
I don't know if your brother is a clueless jerk, or just clueless. I tend to give the benefit of the doubt until proven othewise. He calls a few times a week? Great! That is when Mom can tell him what she needs. He says call me if you need anything? Wonderful, call him when you need something. And make the whole process more streamlined by providing a list of regularly recurring tasks he can take on.
Your family dynamics will determine whether it is better to do this one-on-one as the occasion presents itself, or if a meeting is better.
Oh, and he comes over for meals that Mom pays for? Is that a problem? If it is, take him aside and explain the economic facts of life to him, gently, and suggest that he bring a home-cooked meal or carry-out from a restaurant. Kids who aren't on site just really might not know the financial realities.
Good luck!
Take your brother out for coffee, and ask him how he feels about his role with Mom. Is there something specific he would like to do for her, to stay connected to her? If he indeed appears to want to stay hands off, then tell him straight out that if you are going to take on all the support of Mom, that his job is to support YOU by checking in frequently, being a sounding board, and just generally giving you the feeling he "has your back" even if he doesnt feel comfortable doing more of the actualy work involved.