I finally received a call from her last September after 20 years of deliberate avoidance. In those 20 years our lives certainly changed. So many times I needed her and she was not there for me. She just inherited a huge amount of money and now is dying. Her own family is a mess...and she, dying from lung cancer, while she continues to smoke and drink. So Sad. I do forgive but it is hard for me to forget the emotional abusive behaviors. The lies and ridicule I endured from jealousy. I took care of my mother struggling with alcoholism, cirrhosis, bleeding ulcers and bronchitis. My sisters were too busy in their lives to help . They lived within one hour of her...I lived 8 hours away. I would drive to see mom and care for her, clean her house, take her to appointments, and take her out ...for dinner, lunch, a drive...dress her up like she loved, once a month for 3 years. Thankful to have such a wonderful mom and amazed that both sisters were too busy to care. And now this sister is in hospice and I am being summoned to come. And I am afraid to see her in this condition. It is a thousand mile journey. She expects me there now. I read all of these posts because I was my mother's caregiver and it was difficult but I loved my mother and appreciated her incredible efforts in raising us all . Now, as I pack my bags and make all of the arrangements to travel , dealing with my own respiratory illness, having to travel with portable oxygen, 65 now, sister is just 67...help me to understand how to lay down the torment of the unresolved past. I cannot bring any of it up any more. Regurgitating any of the hurt and deprivation makes me sick. I know it will hurt her too. How do I offer loving kindness devoid of memories? She is already lying and manipulating the course demanding her own needs and giving no concern to my own health, costs, or responsibilities at hand. Certainly my needs are not as desperate as hers. I just want to go with the best loving spirit but I am afraid as this family's history is of abuse, torment and rejection. I'm sorry if this is not the right forum for this discussion...but your caring input would be so appreciated.
Christ tells us to forgive so we can be forgiven. He also says that we need to forgive many many times. So you may have to forgive your sister over and over again. It's not easy and doesn't just happen over night but can happen over a period of time.
Ask yourself how you will feel if you don't go. Once your sister is gone will you regret not going?
Take care of yourself and find those things that make YOU happy and go towards them. Having a fulfilled life of your own may make forgiveness easier.
God Bless
Have an exit plan. If she starts being hateful or attacking you personally, leave. You don't have to stay and take any abuse. You can leave knowing you gave her every opportunity to mend bridges and she choose not to do so, no regret on your part you did everything you could.
Don't forget to take care of yourself, you did not cause her illness, and don't let anyone blame you for what has happened to her.
It is important to make your own internal peace by phone or video. Your brother's demons are not yours to carry. You don't need to explain to anyone. Neither of us know why he made the choices he did. I love the comment about we will do better next time.
Take care of yourself above all. Be proud of the choices you have made.
Best wishes
Bless you for the lovely, caring person that you are. Take care of yourself, too.
My circumstances are a little different but I am completely done with my sibling no matter what happens.
With your health condition though I can’t understand why you’re putting yourself at risk when you haven’t spoken in so long.
As someone else said, I would say a prayer and take care of yourself & your family. Hugs in whatever decision you make.
Just do not return comment in a mean spirit - just visit .
I have a half brother that sexually assaulted a daughter - I did not forgive, and I definetly do not forget when he is around I am civil with my tongue - but as he continues to lie and steal - I do not tell him it is ok either. It is something you can decide what is right for you. My prayers for you as you make your decision. I sit in the same room silently sometimes.
Now that doesn't mean you hang on to the anger and the bitterness. For your own peace, you have to let go of that. Easier said than done, I know. That is something to pray about and to give to the Lord.
All circumstances are different though, so it really depends on the specifics of her situation. It may not be applicable for her. All I know is it was the right thing for me.
She's the one that is dying so Unless your health would suffer, I would go and not bring up the past.
If she does, just sat the past is the past and let her talk and just be a good listener.
Prayers
I hope the visit goes well. Hugs.
For what it's worth, my brother and I ended up with PTSD from growing up my mom's alcoholism and rage. She had colon cancer the last year of her life. I know her step family couldn't figure out why her kids didn't rush to see her--I lived about 2000 miles away--we all lived over 500 life and soul preserving miles away. I didn't have the money to travel but really, I don't know that any of us wanted to see her. Serious illness and end of life can be very close and intimate moments, but much of her life had successfully shut those possibilities down.
So, take care of yourself. It really is okay to do so!
The only thing I can think to say is that, in my opinion, you don't have to have everything sorted in your mind as you make this last visit. Perhaps if you resolve to simply be there, observe, take in, and allow yourself the time to process later it could relieve the pressure you are feeling to go in with a perfect mindset right now.
What you are doing is hard, yet you are still going. That shows your strength of character. Nothing else matters right now.
I would go into the meeting with a few neutral, but honest, phrases that I rehearsed. Perhaps things like, "It has been hard, but I am here." "I am here for both of us."
I would also be prepared for your sister to ask for forgiveness. I am not sure what you want to say to that knowing she is dying. But, be prepared with an answer to that request that she can die with and you can LIVE with.
Then, seek counseling to help you sort through all of this pain when you get home. You deserve to find your peace, not just give it to others.