Grandma has dementia. She asks all the time when she can go home, we tell her that she needs more care than Grandpa can give her right now, so she has to stay until the doctors say she can go home. The last few days, she has been suddenly very confused. This morning when I arrived for a visit, she had all of her stuff packed. I put it all away. Later in the evening, my Dad went to visit and she had started to pack again. She is saying that a doctor came to see her and told her she will go home tomorrow or this weekend (obviously not true). How do we handle this? Should we keep putting her stuff away. Who do we 'blame' for keeping her there if she thinks the doctor said she can go soon? This is breaking my heart!
If the staff can tolerate/handle the packed stuff and it doesn't hamper moving around in the room, I would allow Grandma's stuff to stay packed for a day or two. Some obsessions last for the day and then disappear; some will run for several days, disappear for a while and then return with the cycle repeating. If she's got the idea in her head, then unpacking right after she has packed probably won't work; she will just start packing again.
The next time you unpack for her, can you remove whatever she is packing her stuff into so it's not available? Can you unpack while someone else visits with her in another room (dining?), so everything is unpacked when she returns?
Instead of the doctor, you might do better telling her Grandpa isn't well enough to care for her right now or that some repair/upgrade needs to be completed before she can go home (install a ramp? remodel the bathroom?).
The first was that she wanted to live with me, but because I take care of another disabled relative, I wasn’t able to welcome her, and the second was that she and I BOTH loved and cherished the impossibly inappropriate home she was living in.
The only REAL option I had was to place her in a very good AL about 5 minutes from where I live.
It took about 7 months for her to settle in, but she has now become quite content with her surroundings, enjoys our several days a week visits, and retains her feistiness, although her short term memory is hardly even minutes.
I did “You can’t go home yet”, and “You’re safe here if you fall”- no reference to a non-existent future, always focused on her immediate and quickly forgotten present.
Am I comfortable having to do this? Absolutely not. Do I know this was the only choice I had in terms of her care? Without question.
First of all, if the confusion was sudden, have her checked for a urinary tract infection. Then, you will need to be very creative with your therapeutic fibs. You’ll figure out something to tell her. Then one of you take her for a nice visit to the lounge or even outside for a bit and the other unpack her stuff.
Sending hugs to you and Grandma.