My grandmother (88) moved into my house that has a separate living area. She was mostly independent and is mentally sharp, handles her own meds, bills, and gets meals on wheels delivered. She had a few falls recently, the latest resulting in a fractured knee and is currently 10 days into skilled nursing live-in rehab. She’s expected to be discharged next week.
My problem is, I’ve had terrible anxiety over the last several months of her living with my family mostly due to hygiene and odors and a heightening need for care. My husband was recently diagnosed with bladder cancer a week before her knee fracture and we now have a treatment plan scheduled for him. I feel like I’m in over my head.
She doesn’t want to live in an assisted living (she doesn’t want to spend her money because she wants to leave it to grandchildren) and is anxious to get back to my home (her “apartment”). She doesn’t have children left, but has some grandkids that live out of state and can’t contribute any help and I was the only one available to bring her in so she was closer in emergencies and had more help. I feel that I made the decision to move her to my home out of duty, feeling bad for her loneliness, but not a real desire to care giver. I’m 32 and have been finding it challenging living with “new” person who is becoming more and more reliant on me and I’m feeling VERY GUILTY.
My issues: She has never had a high sense of hygiene meaning odors, cross contamination in the kitchen, urine on couches and infrequently washing pee pads, not washing hands was normal for many years and I thought I could curb that unsanitary behavior but the furniture just smells awful and I’ve settled on the idea of endless cleaning. She is difficult to talk to about it and cries/gets defensive (likely embarrassed) if I mention anything negative about hygiene. We can smell odors in mostly all parts of the house now and when her laundry is in the dryer, my whole house smells like hot pee despite soaking in Odoban, powdered oxyclean, and Persil. I have to sanitize the washer and dryer after use. She was doing her own laundry and I was finding POOP at the bottom of the washer after washes. I do bleach pee pads but there are accidents that leak through her diaper on pants and nightgowns. I’ve decided I’m going to take her laundry to laundromat when she comes back because of 1) the odors, and 2) my husband’s immunity will be lower and I’d rather minimize risks of germs.
Now, my husband has a really good prognosis and we’re very positive about his treatments. We run our own small business with just him and myself employed, and my husband is expected to feel unwell for parts of the week. I’m going to be taking him to his treatments, handling business affairs because we can’t financially close up shop, and now will be more involved in grandmother’s after-care from her fracture and overall needs (her Dr. appts, eating, bathroom, showering).
My major concerns are her risks for re-injury. She will be in a flexible brace for several weeks and while I am anticipating assisting as much as I can, I’ve made it very clear to her that there will be gaps in time that I won’t be available because I have to work. She’s bound and determined that she can care for herself and will wait around for me when she can’t care for herself and doesn’t want in home care.
I am stressed. I’m already resenting the idea of her putting this responsibility on me and I feel HORRIBLE because of that. There is a wonderful assisted living near my house that a friend’s family member lives at and she LOVES it there. I know the demand for care is going to get higher and I’ve been thinking she would be happier and safer in an assisted living with activities and more attention but I’m having a hard time suggesting that idea to her because she does not want to be there and I cannot decide how she spends her money.
Has anyone experienced anything similar? Tips? Advice?
You have the perfect opportunity now which you need to use. Tell the rehab facility that you cannot bring your grandmother safely back to your home because you need to work, keeping the business afloat, and take care of your husband who has cancer, and because she was falling repeatedly in your home.
Their discharge planner will need to find a safe placement for your grandmother. You can suggest the assisted living, and tell your grandmother that you look forward to visiting her there. Do not back down.
You have nothing to feel bad or guilty about. This is for your grandmother's safety. This unsanitary behavior is unsafe for HER, as well as for your husband and you. And the fall risks will only get worse over time. The facility will have specific design elements to reduce fall risks.
You can't decide how she spends her money but you can, and should, decide who gets to live in your home.
You have enough on your plate now dealing with hubby's new diagnosis.
It is quite simply time to accept that you should not have taken this on; it was poor judgement. The trajectory is downward. Things will not be improving and the things now bothering you are the tip of the iceberg.
It is time now while grandmother is in Rehab to be HONEST both with yourself and her.
So:
#1. Contact discharge planning NOW at the rehab. This may be an RN, a Social Worker or a "team". Tell them of your "mistake" in taking grandmother in, your inability to care for her in light of what has just landed on your plate, and your need to speak to her with social services present.
#2. Tell grandmother that you feel guilt for bringing her into your home when really it was not, for your family, a good option. That you feel GRIEF that this cannot work, but that your husband is now facing his own life-threatening illness and all of your energy must go there. That your grandmother can no longer live in your home.
#3. As to the "heirs". What a pity, but grandmother's money now goes to grandmother's care. When it is gone you will help her sign up for Medicaid. You will visit and be a loving granddaughter.
#4. Understand that your obligation now is to yours and your husband's survival and thriving as much as you are able under these trying circumstances. On top of that you will do all you can to support your grandmother. NOTHING will be PERFECT here. When there is mourning to be done you will cry. Then you will pick yourself up.
#5. If you cannot accept and understand that throwing your own life and the lives of your family on your grandmother's burning funeral pyre is not an answer then seek psychological counseling so you can fully grasp you are not a Saint and you are not GOD and you cannot change this and it is hubris to think you can.
I am so dreadfully sorry. Life is very tough. Nothing is perfect. Your grandmother has had a long life (as have I at 82). We understand that things don't always go as we would wish. It would be selfish for her to expect this sort of sacrifice from you.
Please understand where your obligations lie, get them in order, and now is the perfect time, from a Rehab, for placement. I leave you with that single small kernal of the "good news" for there is very little of it for you now.
As to cancer. Two time survivor so far for me. First bout at 47. Second now a year ago. Do not force false "cheer" and the obligation to "be positive at all times" on someone. That is further victimizing a victim. Your hubby is dealing with cancer and he will have good days and bad days. He gets to feel any which way he want to feel on any day, and just accept those mood swings as weather fronts to be endured. My love and best wishes to you both, and to grandma, as well.
Then tell grandma that the doctors say she can’t go home.
Don't allow the guilt card to play a part in this. Grandma needs more help than you're capable of giving her, and her incontinence issues and likely dementia will only worsen. Elders w/o dementia do not cry when confronted with their incontinence issues.....they get embarrassed and attend to the problem because they don't want to stink!
Good luck sticking to your guns here.
You are in your early 30's with your entire life ahead of you.
You have a husband you love who has health issues and needs you.
Your Grandmother has already ruined your couch and probably other furniture, beds, flooring, etc. She has ruined your washer and dryer. (Every time you wash your bra - it's been where poop was.)
You will be losing your freedom entirely as she progresses, and it will get worse. You and your husband will be living in an unsanitary environment. It will smell of urine.
All because - her Grand-kids who aren't helping her at all "deserve" her money? Really.
Please re-read all of the other posts from some very smart, experienced Caregivers and follow their instructions. The time is now - to make it clear she must go into care.
Please don't feel guilty.
Look after yourself and your husband. Best of luck for you, this may be your only chance to unravel yourself from this.
Look that term up and it will help you not feel like you have no choice.
I would encourage you to begin eviction proceedings. This will be terribly hard for you but, she is totally fine making your home her personal toilet, smell like an out house and ruining your furniture. She is a filthy slob and you have every right to say NOT IN MY HOUSE. She is NOT the boss here, you are.
Toilet hygiene is a non negotiable point. She doesn't care enough about you or your family to take care of her own waste, why would you feel you have to tolerate that kind of treatment. Especially since your husband has such a terrible disease.
Tell her you don't want her back and it is your house, so you win. She can go quitely or she can be removed forcebly, her choice but, going she is.
Your husband is your ONLY priority now and she can suck wind.
I find inheritance a hateful sword to weld and it is used only for manipulation, time to disarm her.
You can do this.
Don’t forget that she is going to continue to decline. She WILL have more falls. If anything, her hygiene issues will get WORSE.
I would absolutely say returning to your home is not an option and not go down the home health aide route, because I think it’s very likely she will find fault with them and fire them making finding new ones your problem forever. Not fun.
If you allow her back in now, not only will you be back to living with her stinking up your house and relying on you more and more (no matter what she says), another crisis is inevitable and you will be right back to where you are now.
I agree you should tell her you will help her find AL or a facility which she can pay for and if her money runs out, you will help her find a Medicaid option. It’s not what she wants, it will make her sad and angry. But you have to keep yourself and your husband your top priorities. Your needs count! So do your husband’s.
Unfortunately, grandma doesn't get to come home this time. This is sad, and I know that it is sad for the seniors when their needs change. Unfortunately, it is just too much to have to worry about extra laundry that stinks and having to go to a laundry mat to get this done.
If grandma does come home, she can get home care aides (she pays) to come in to assist her. She can also pay for professional laundry services that pick up and deliver. Aides can also monitor and walk with her if she is a fall risk. However, I wouldn't go with this second suggestion because the elderly needs can change fast and you will be back to square one again.
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