My grandpa (81) has dementia and is starting to get mean, rude and uncooperative by choice. What can I do?

well i am trying my best to get my dad on things but he is just not done i request it every day i bring it up as much as possible but hes lazy. and he doesnt try to help most of the time i cant even sleep in in the morning if i wanted to cause no one else will get grandpa up. and yes i know that m grand father wouldnt want me to help him at y own risk but i refuse to put him in a home i dont have the heart to go visit him every day while some one else takes care of him. i have tried to get everything up and going since i got here things are going smoother then they were when i first got here i have a good system but it doesnt help with the work load. and as for my dad there is no talking to him even thought i have been in care taking feild for time now and i tell him things he thinks he always right and i would never step away from my grandpa and leave him with my dad becuse i have been told that my dad is mean to my grandpa and he yells t him and i tell him not to talk to him the way he does and he starts a big fight and right now i am living with him this is his house he has always lived with my grandpa and when grandpa goes he gets the house but just bringing up that i dont like the way he talks to my grandpa he threatens to kick me and my husband out even tho we still havent found a place yet because taking care of my grandpa doesnt permit me having my own place right now. and as for my aunt who is co power of attorney with my dad she doesnt live with us she lives in Spokane and comes to visit and micro manage things when she gets the chance to. she and my dad dont get along she is only worried about my grandpas money getting spent not the level of care his money can provide and what the money can at least bring me some help... if it was up to her she would tell me not to put in to take care of my grandpa to get paid so i can have a lil money that i need right now... she doesn't want palliative care if it is gonna comes out of grandpas money... she thins my dad has been stealing money from grandpa but from what i have seen since i have been here that is not the case with the money shes just not here and doesn't know how hard things are my dad spends money on what i need to take care of grandpa.. i like to be his primary care provider i just need the help to help me so i can go have a part time job if i want to but i don't know how to get it up and running cause no will help me here at home base and i am stuck in a rock and a hard place cause i cant confront my dad he just says hes right and wont talk... but then see if i tell my aunt that my dad isn't helping then she is gonna try and put grandpa in a home and i just don,t want that. they fight with each other cause she tries to evaluate the situation without being here in person she could never do the job i have been doing for the past five years. she asks to know what every transaction is and chooses to bitch if to much has been spent. and only comes down to visit and get bank statements to continue to act like grandpas money is being spent unwisely. i dont understand why she is doing things this way she didnt find out that she was POA till the cancer reoccurred and since then she has been up the ass with what was this spent for what was this for bullshit... i mean i told her i was gonna try and get paid to take care of grandpa and she said well as long as its not coming out of his money then go a head... i dont see why she cares about the money being spent especially for grandpa its his money and i have no means of money right now cause all i do is take care of grandpa hes a 24 hr job with the very lil help that i get...she has all kinds of money she doesnt need his money after he passes but i am afraid this is the motive of her doing what she does im not sure if this is true but i dont see other reasons why she would care if she is not here taking care of him herself. i have half my mind to tell her to come here for the week and see but she wont i know this for sure and i am afraid if i say i cant take care of grandpa and we need to use money to have palliative care nurses come to the house she is just gonna try and get him put in a home if we cant manage him at home ourselves. its not that i dont want outside help but i am not POA and i cant touch his money and my dad will only spend the bare minimum cause hes always worried about what his sister my aunt is gonna say. i have no say in what happens with grandpa and i am the one who moved states to come help take care of him and in the process i have become primary care provider and have the bare minimum of help from my family including my dad.. i mean i know they love grandpa but they just dont understand to the full extent how much i really need the help because i dont say anything. i have been having a sore back since the last drop to the ground and i havent even taken care of that yet cause i dont want leave grandpa at home with my dad they dont do anything for him and my dad is mean to him.

You should know by all the responses that you need more help than you are able to give. You must take a step back and seriously consider the situation you are dealing with. You must release the worry, the concern and the guilt and make a decision. Your posts continue to sound like you are exhausted and frazzled. Are funds available to get assistance? Who is controlling Grandpa's money? Is that a reason that you are not getting help? What is your Aunt doing as a POA? You, the POA's , and your husband need to have a serious discussion about the future. You need to be honest about how it is affecting you , your mental health and your physical health, and not make any decisions based on how it will affect your grandpa. Your devotion to your grandpa is wonderful and he is blessed to have you...but would he want your assistance at the cost of your own health???

If your family is determined to handle all the care in the home, regardless of how things are going, then that's your decision, though your dad has Power of Attorney. I'm not sure why your dad doesn't sign the paperwork to get as much care as possible coming into the home. Apparently, your dad wants things to continue as they are as well.

I'd try to keep in mind that it's your dad's welfare that is the most important thing and getting him proper care is not letting him down. I would follow up with the doctor about his pain management.

Caregiver support group?? Counseling for YOU? Get the walker-the kind with the seat on it- & INSIST that he use it--for the good of you BOTH!! God bless you for your love & loyalty but please get some relief for YOU!!

i know that he did it on purpose cause after we cleaned up and got him in bad and hour later and everyone left the room he tells me sorry for doing what he did and he wanted to make sure he didnt hurt me. thats just one situation where he does things to act out and has apologized later for and i didnt even think he remembered. see i know what the dementia does i just dont know how to deal with some things he does and yesterday was just veery over whelming he has been acting out for the past two weeks and the first we went to the hospital and i ask and tell them everything about what going on... I try my best to tell the dr or nurses everything so i dont do anything wrong. i did home care before but not for family so i have some experience but none with working with dementia patients so i am just sitting here at a loss with some of it and need advice from people who have worked with them before. I just cant seem to get away though it seems like cause my head can never stay away from my grandpa long enough to take away cause i am either worrying they are not changing him or feeding him or making sure he comfortable or my dad yelling at him and i dont like the way he talks to my grandpa so its hard to leave my grandpa for even a lil bit to take a break.. i dont really do anything i am home most of the time taking care of grandpa and i dont really go any where except his appointments and my dad takes us and going to the store and be right back home. i am right now with out asking them looking for a part time job.. i mentioned it and i got pissy attitude towards it and i still feel worried about leaving him with my dad and my dad yelling or cursing at him cause hes being mean and rude and stubborn he tries to fight my dad and idk how long i can leave him... it is not an options for me to give up and put him in long term care even if it runs me into the ground i will be here to take care of him while he is still here... i just having trouble dealing with it right now..... we have talkled to the dr and nurse about his cancer and we may do radiation which is another situation i am having a tough time with right now deciding if we are gonna do it or not... the cancer has gotten a li worse which equals more pain which i have talked t his nurse about and she has prescribed him meds for pain but his appitite has been so poor it worries me.. and i dont know if i go to work a few hours a day a couple days a week how they will do with him... see last night i felt like i cant do this then today my husband came home and helped me feel better now i know i can do it and work through it i just think i need advice..

ok i thank you all for your responses to my post i think i just need a lil hlep and advice i was kinda on edge yesterday when i posted so i hope no one thought i meant that my grandpa is doing these things with a clear head i know that he is acting out in some way bu i just dont know how to find out why i talk to his doctors all the time on the phone and we work with a nurse practitioner that comes to the house because i am trying to get palliative care to start at our home to have a nurse come to the house a couple times out of the week to give me a break but as of now and idk how much longer it takes my dad to fill out the application for them to come to the house and help me i have no clue i remind him every day and he does nothing or says he forgets its getting old. Me and my husband moved down here so that i can help take care of grandpa i repeat help take care key word HELP. more my plan was i would take care of him through out the week and they could handle him on the week ends but now i know that was not gonna happen i had planned on getting my own place also but when i got here i realized that i was gonna have to move in with my grandpa and my dad who stays with my grandpa with his girlfriend and her son, my husband travels all the time so he helps when he is home and that all i expect from him. my dads girlfriend helps when she can cause she has her own health problems. And no i am no Durable power of attorney my dad and my aunt who lives in Spokane are together. we go to grandpas appointments regularly and i call his Dr. if i have any questions on something i cant figure out at home. when i got her i got my grandpa set up with a nutritionist and i have changed his whole diet because of his heartburn and diabetes. i know he does not have a UTI or bladder infection because we are are at the hospital so often he gets his blood drawn enough and they check for that every time and we just had a Dr. visit the other day and yes i talk to them about my concerns with his dementia and he already takes a dementia pill that supposed to help with things and it doesn't seem to. but we just finally got it to where we are trying to get palliative care come to the house to help me out once or twice a week but that only gets done when my dad who is power of attorney decides he wants to fill out the application to see if grandpa is approved for the nurses. he doesnt do anything when its needs to get done thats my dad for you. But since i have been here i do mostly everything i get him up and out of bed and dressed showered fed and give him his meds every day morning noon evening bed, i cook him breakfast lunch and dinner and we have to cook cause he can only eat certian things. i change him through out the day i manage his blood sugar readings i give him his shots i do everything my dads gf helps when she can and i appriciate it cause its more then my own dad.. its hard for me to take a break when i need to cause i get complaints cause they cant handle changing him or what if he tries to get up how do i help him, and i go and then end up being home soon as possible cause i am worried my grandpa is not being cared for because they say they cant handle him (but they did before i got here i came to help them get breather and i got caught up being the one doing everything every day all day and i am starting to get stressed out with it... and i know that my grandpa has brain damage but he does things that shows me he remember and that he knows what he is doing and that he is just acting out i can tell cause there are indications for when some one is in pain or etc etc different problems that can happen i have learned alot about my grandpa and i kinda know he is acting out when one second hes fine and literally not exaggerating either he will be walking perfect strong upright and great then he gets tired and says i want to sit down i tell him grandpa theres no where to sit we are in the hall way and he will just drop with no indication of pain exhaustion cause its very obvious when my grandpa is in pain or when he is tired. see i would never just think that hes doing it for no reason i know theres a reason i just dont know it... example just last night after i got off here i went to put granpd to bed and he had to use the bath room didnt want to walk all the way to the rest room so we used his portapotty in the living room some times he cant make it to the bath room, so i am changing him and i need to pul up his breif and pants and we do what we usually do i find ways to do things with him by myself that wont hurt me but last night we stand up and he feels strong u can tell by when he stands up he has alot of upper body strength he was holding onto me while i pulling up his pants then all of a sudden he says im gonna sit down and with me below his waist lets his whole body drop and me have to catch him and he freaked out and his colostomy bag came open and we got poop every where, but he was fine the seconds before

It sounds like you really are exhausted and desperate. Your profile says that your grandfather also has cancer. Being the sole caretaker for a senior with cancer and dementia is a huge responsibility. Have you discussed the cancer prognosis with his doctor? Have you discussed his dementia progression as well? I would report any change in his mental status to his doctor. It could be some medication available that might help him feel more comfortable. Sometimes dementia patients cannot verbalize their pain and they show their pain by acting out. Sometimes pain is not treated, because we don't know it's there. I'd discuss this with his doctor as well.

I doubt that with the dementia, the caretaking will be come less intense as your grandfather progresses. Often dementia patients are agitated, rude and resistant to care. I would suspect that the progression of the dementia would make his care more demanding and quite difficult for one person to do in the home. Of course, you can see this now.

I think I would discuss the situation with your family and consider the options. Are you the Durable Power of Attorney? I would discuss it with the doctor and gather information about the progression of dementia, as well the cancer information and explain that other arrangements must be made to care for grandfather. It often takes teams of people to properly care for someone who is in his condition. I'd try to find out how to make that happen, whether you can get outside help to come to him or have him placed in long term care.

You need to get yourself out of this situation. Soon. Like immediately.

You are wrong that this is grampa's choice. He has a damaged brain. Ain't his choice at all.

But that doesn't make it less risky for you. You need to give up the role of sole caregiver. Visit him as a loving granddaughter. That will do you both a whole lot more good.

Oh,please do get some help. DO share this with family. It is SO EASY to dump all the caregiving on one person and walk away and think "This is so nice, so and so is taking care of Gpa"..while you're tearing your hair out.

He's not CHOOSING to do anything. Dementia robs a person of their ability to be themselves. It's not personal at all.

Please get some help. My granddad was THE sweetest man on earth. When his dementia made him turn on Grandma, she HAD to have him placed. Broke her heart, but he was going to hurt her.

You must self preserve!! Good luck!

You're very correct in being concerned about your body. The wear and tear you're putting on your body will catch up with you. You can't be expected to physically lift your grandfather from point A to point B. If he were in a nursing home there would be 2 aides transferring him.

You said that you're almost to the point where you can't care for him anymore. What happens when you're actually to that point? What happens when you can't care for him anymore?

I can't tell from your post if you and your grandfather are living together or if you have family support. Have you considered a nursing home for your grandfather?

Ali, get your Grandfather to his primary doctor immediately. His actions could be something as simple as an "urinary tract infection" which in elders make the elders behave rudely, and be somewhat out of control.

Another thing you need to look at is how Grand-dad views his life now. He's probably not a happy camper as he can't do everything he use to do a decade or so ago. And that can be frustrating. Life is passing him by.

Just curious, how did you become your Grandfather's caregiver? I assume Grandma is no longer in the picture, and what about your parents?

Ali, Ali, Ali. Print what you just wrote, make whatever many copies, one for each of the person(s) that care for GrandPa. Give to them in writing. You need help, and it is way too easy for the other relatives to DUMP it all to one person.
UNFAIR, yes to the max.
What happens when people are ill, like this, is their common sense goes out the window. I know, it is not a major revelation, however, some patients get VIOLENT. I knew a man that got to thinking that there were men rounding about the house looking to see / speak / be with his wife, and he took an ax and was almost taking the hinges off the door of the room where she was hiding and crying.
1/ there were no men
2/ those were hallucinations
3/ there came the violence

He got picked up, his step son had to sign all the paperwork to keep him in a nursing home. Even the people there could not control him at all.... so he was heavily medicated ALL THE TIME, quite a sad story.
Thankfully, the ax did not hurt anyone.
He was NOT that way before the ALZ. He was calm, funny, sweet, hard working...........but once the sickness got him severely, he turned violent.
People can go all kinds of ways..........mild, quiet, violent, outgoing, reserved, whatever that was not how they were all their lives.
You say many times, many that you do not know what to do.
You came to the right place. I am fairly new to the forum, and believe me, I have learned TONS of good stuff in dealing with mom who has dementia.
People here talk from experience, and from life's experiences.
Many have been at it, taking care of family for YEARS UPON YEARS.......
I am in my fifth year as caregiver.
You will get many opinions, and ABSOLUTELY, you need to call a family meeting, hand them each a copy of your post, and perhaps posts that people will write, and come to an agreement.
When there are others to help, the load gets distributed evenly and not one single person suffers....................it is fair. You are not asking for the moon. Just for help.
Walking............does grandpa have a walker or does he refuse to use it?
Walking............do you know what a GAIT BELT IS? You need one. It goes around grandpa's waist, and you put your hand under it from the middle of his back, with your fingers pointing to the sky. If he lets go, you will have a way of stabilizing him without lifting him.
You tell him...............GRANDPA, IF YOU FALL AND YOU TAKE ME WITH YOU............WE ARE BOTH GOING TO END UP IN THE HOSPITAL..........ALI, YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS KIND OF STRESS.
Are you seeing a doctor? A doctor where you go for a cold, or stomach ache, or general medical doctor? Make an appointment and tell him how stressed you are. It is dangerous. He should assess you and make recommendations.
Without getting too specific, are you in your twenties, thirties, forties, fifties, where are you?
..........................................................My best regards all the way to Yakima! Where some of the best apples in the world grow.
Ali, chin up!
Help is on the way!

M88