My mother passed away this week, and I’m lost. I’ve had her with me 15 years 24/7 the last two. What little money I received was for taking care of her. I don’t even know where to start. I know I need a job, but the thought of starting over at 58 is a little daunting right now. Taking care of her was one of the hardest things I have ever done, the emotional roller coaster....But now that she is gone I’m so grateful that I did. The lessons I learned. I want to thank this forum, you helped me through so many tuff times, letting me know I wasn’t alone, that my feelings were normal. Thank you, I will continue to send love and support to all caregivers, for you are all truly angels.
Grief is not just about the feeling of loss, sadness and the unrelenting missing of someone. It has complexity and nuance. It also has some unfortunate neighbors than can include depression, guilt, regret, self-recrimination, relief, fear of the future, and so on. Which ones we visit is unique to our personalities but it will help you to know which sub-currents are at work, The advice to pause and breathe would be so helpful to you to be able to gain clarity on all of the emotions at play. You are understandably adrift right now. Walk, talk, journal, sleep, or do whatever slows your mind down.
Caregiving is a notoriously isolating and lonely pursuit for many. It sometimes separates us from a support network that might provide us with a listening presence, hands-on assistance, or a needed respite. Our bodies are not meant to live in overwhelm and a sea of stress hormones but many of us have become habituated to it for lack of alternatives. When our caregiver job comes to a close, independent of our sad emotions, we are still dealing with habituated behavior that has no realistic outlet, yet. I like the suggestions that you begin to enlarge your network through social, spiritual, and recreational avenues that address your habit of being on duty 24/7. Those same people will turn into contacts and leads for employment opportunities when you have a bit of physical and emotional recovery under your belt.
Change toward the unknown often triggers our fear because most of us don't like ambiguity. In your current state of exhaustion and recent loss you are in what I would call a "high soothe" state--you need more comforting and assuring than challenge and uncertainty. Ultimately, your finances will dictate how quickly your have to seek paid employment but I like the idea of easing into it. Incremental and small steps are far easier to take than giant leaps. I had a friend who was remarkably adept at handling change and I asked her what her secret was. It was so elegantly simple: if you don't like how something ends up, you can change it again. I hope that lightens the ominous burden of thinking that you have to decide it all and get it right once. It's not like caregiving.
A final word on how to start when your feel stuck in a feeling of overwhelm-just do what's in front of you. Pick one thing and do it. Then pick the next one. You can't empty the whole basket at once so proceed in manageable steps.
Lastly, have a good day. I don't mean any disrespect for your grief but only that you truly need to have a nice day because you probably haven't one in a long time. Learning to do that is one of the most important new skills for your success in building your new life. Otherwise, you'll turn it into the same nose-to-the-grindstone effort you had to muster for your loved one's challenges.
Comfort and blessings.
I imagine it is similar to people in the service, or first responders. Caregiving is so immediate & demanding round the clock. Going back to a typical job, “please have that memo on her desk by noon” will feel so trivial.
But there is a pleasant stream of life out there. You’ve been running the rapids for so long, it wears you out. Just get in your canoe and float for awhile. Only start paddling again when you feel like it.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I suggest three ways to address your pain and find new purpose.
1. Join a grief support group or work with a grief counselor.
2. If you have been isolated due to caregiving duties, visit and engage at some social activity. You can find some at senior centers.
3. Check out the websites listed below. They developed programs specifically for 55+ people find enjoyable, purposeful work.
I returned to work at 59 after caregiving. Hope this helps. God bless.
Back to Work 50+
aarp.org/aarp-foundation/our-work/income/back-to-work-50-plus/about-us/
BACK TO WORK 50+ supports community colleges and workforce investment boards that are helping 50+ workers overcome barriers to finding better jobs.
Senior Service of America
seniorserviceamerica.org/
Senior Service of America oversees four federally funded programs to train and employ older adults. The Senior Community Service Employment Program (SCSEP) is one such program. SCSEP is the only federal program targeted to help older workers find work in community service. Each year, SCSEP enables thousands of low-income seniors each year to earn and learn while working in local programs serving their community. Check out their website for the other programs for seniors.
National Older Workers Career Center
nowcc.org/applicant-resources/
Offers some of the same information as Senior Service of America about federal jobs. This particular webpage has some excellent articles about looking for that job.
Check with local community colleges’ counseling center. They may have programs in place for the mature worker and can guide you to the next job you’ll love.
I found that getting back out into the World was a slow process. Doing things actually helped me feel better, bit by bit. Give yourself time to grieve, yet remember that your Mom would have wanted you to go on with life and be happy. You deserve this for all that you have done as a caregiver. You will have your moments, but these are turning into happy memories for me now and replacing memories of those rough last months. What helped me was to go through old photos where my Mom was smiling and happy. I wish you all the best for your future as you were a wonderful help to your Mom and she would surely want you to be happy. Take your time and do what feels right.
Do not worry about starting over...if you can take care of your mom for many years you can do anything. Look into major rental car companies for jobs. I know I found a part time job as a driver. Driving car to other rental places in their car to associated rental places. It is part time but I get to drive a new rental car every day. It takes me to areas within 70 miles and then I drive one back to the hub. It is fun and driving relaxes me but looking at different scenes and knowing their is more out there. You did your labor of love now it is your time. No regrets. Your mom would want you to enjoy yourself. You did a great work with your mom and she knows it too inside her heart. Life is for the living!! Carry on honey.
Starting over can be difficult, take a deep breath and do baby steps. Since the holidays are coming, perhaps start with something part time or volunteer until you find something that interests you. You aren't starting over at 58, you are experiencing a new adventure, a deserved opportunity to take care of you.
I wish you well and keep us posted! We are all here for you and care.
I hope you feel better soon! Sending you love & support.