I've been overseeing my 93 year old mother's care for decades now, coordinating home care, household needs, repairs, medical, and so on. Her dementia is so advanced now, I felt it best to move her to a memory care place in town where she still can see friends, but has a higher level of care for her condition. Her primary home care person, who genuinely loves my mom, has made this transition very hard, accusing me of callous disregard and so on, really far beyond what any family member would express. This move has cost her dearly financially, so in part I'm sure her horrible comments are fueled by that. She is not alone in expressing their dismay at my decision to move my mother. This move was difficult enough for me to orchestrate and pay for, but I simply don't know how to handle "well-meaning" people who feel it is their right to express negative opinions based on absolutely no knowledge of this place - and virtually no awareness of how I have struggled over the years to keep my mother safe and everything paid for (on a teacher's salary, no less). Is there any advice out there as to how to handle this situation? And thank you...it means the world to me...
As far as others and their comments, simply tell them unless they are willing to become her guardian, conservator and full-time caregiver, they have no say and their comments are not appreciated.
You don’t have to justify why you made this decision. i would tell this person in case she want to continue to visit mom that she is not to undermine your decision to your mother.
A couple of ladies were criticizing that a daughter would not care for her aging mother. Lots of tisking and general nastiness about the daughter.
this got me so angry that I said "if you have not cared for a relative, like this you have no right to complain!" grrrr
I only care for my mother partly and she is difficult! I cannot imagine taking care of someone 24/7 by myself!
No explanation is needed. You know you’re doing what is best for her and you’ve certainly already done all you possibly could!
Be at peace with that and know that those of us that have been in any similar situation understand fully and would never guilt you over this.
Do not judge lest you be judged! Something like that..? That’s all I’d have to say to them!
The worker has boundary issues to ever share anything of her opinion on this situation! It’s unprofessional at the least and undermining of you. Totally inexcusable and she should be reported either to her boss or her professional liscensing board.
In my experience, the type of people that cross these professional boundaries do it time and time again. As a caregiver we are expected actually care but not so much as to involve ourselves with personal issues related to our clients or patients. She probably took excellent care of your mother and even loves your mom but it does not give her a pass to express any negativity towards this situation.
She was paid for her services was she not? She didn’t go over to your mom out of the kindness of her heart to give her care! She gets no say whatsoever! Shame on her!
Well meaning or not, the comments are hurtful and I would allow great distance from you and your mom for a time. The last thing you want is for any of them to say things like this to your mom and sour her view of the situation and least of all you and your relationship with her. Even with dementia she’s likely to understand just enough of it for this to occur.
Best wishes to you and your mom!
The ongoing problem is who else is involved in ‘expressing their dismay’. Probably the best idea is to drop down your contact with them for several weeks until the initial reactions are over. Just say that you are too busy right now. If you get a second serve later, and you care about the relationship, that is the time to put some energy into explaining why it was the best move. Right now you don't need any of this!
No one who hasn't dealt with a dementia patient round the clock has any right to comment.
Be strong and take care of yourself. Each of us gets only one life to live.
If not an agency caregiver than I can see her being upset, she lost a job. But, she has no say in family decisions. Your reasoning is none of her business. If Mom is happy then u did the right thing. Caregiving is hard. And there comes a time we just can't do it anymore.
If the caregiver says anything again, I would thank her for her exemplary care of Mom, but explain to her that you did not consult her when you decided to place Mom and you’d rather she kept her opinions to herself. Further comments from her will illicit a call to her supervisor.
When they say negative remarks, I would respond that your decision was to assure her safety and was the best decision for all.
Not that they have any right to comment, but take the high road and let it be. You know in your heart and much better than strangers (essentially office staff or non involved parties) what mom and you need most. Don’t blink an eye or even give an explanation; One sentence will do and you are being gracious with extending even that much information to them. You don’t owe them an explanation.
You need to take care of yourself as well. Your mother is well provided for and has been for years.
Ok, I can understand your Mom's caregiver was now losing a client, but that is the norm in that type of business. It is not fair that she is making such comments about your decision.
Just tell well-meaning people who voice their negative opinion that your decision was the "best" for the care and well being of your Mom. And that your Mom is quite happy there being around others of her generation. That is what my Dad really liked... all new sets of ears to hear his stories :)