My grandmother is extremely needy and also is verbally and years ago was physically abusive. Just now she's calling me evil because I stood up to her and won't take the bullying and verbal abuse anymore. Yet she wishes ill will towards others hoping bad things happen to them primarily me since I am the one she singles out to bully and abuse. I have never wished ill will against my grandmother despite her verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive ways. She acts nasty towards me because I won't tolerate her abuse and I even told her you will not bully or abuse me anymore. Then she's saying things that's degrading to me and yet I'm wrong when I stick up for myself because I am to just take the abuse and deal with it. I told my grandmother that I didnt have to come back home to help care for her after I graduated college and my mother before she passed needed the help. I then further told her that you are not the nicest person around and nobody really calls you because you complain about everything and people stopped coming around because who wants to be around someone who's negative all the time and when I stood up and told her that she basically makes smart remarks since it was time someone stood up and said something and stopped standing down and accepting my grandmother's abusive ways. Am I wrong for standing up and telling her I had enough of the abusive comments and treatment. Not to mention my grandmother had also for years painted a negative picture of me telling other family members I can't take care of myself and that's because I won't and will not ask her for anything I support and take care of myself which is what my relatives are seeing now since everything my grandmother has said is flying out the window and being seen as BS.
The best "revenge" (and I hate to use that term) is to just prove her wrong by living a healthy and productive life.
You never "win" and argument with an elderly, crabby, negative relative. Don't even try. Be the bigger person and let it go.
You are right, you didn't have to come home after college to "help care for her" and your mother before she passed -- so why did you? Have your reasons for coming home changed? I am so sorry for the loss of your mother; I know that was hard. Did she pass recently? My point is that Mom is no longer your reason for being there, so why are you? Are you living in your mother's or grandmother's home WITH grandma? Is living with her nasty and belittling behavior the price for staying, even if you are now redeemed in the eyes of your other family members? If so, please please ask yourself if it is worth it!
Has Grandma been diagnosed with dementia? I don't think we can assume, Thomas6011, that Grandma has dementia or, even if she does, that her behavior -- which sounds as if is LONGstanding -- is caused by that illness. [Such behavior caused by dementia is heart-breaking and SO hard on the caregivers like you, Thomas 6011. I hope your loved one soon passes thru this stage!] But lots of people have mental or personality disorders for years and years (or are just plain disagreeable because they choose to be) without having dementia, and it does sound to me as if there's a long term pattern here.
Perhaps if you gave us more information, QueenBee1: what's the rest of the story? You don't tell us how old you and Grandma are, if you are working, what other family members are nearby and what they do to help. What, exactly, it is that you do to care for your grandmother? If you will give some more information I think members of this community can make helpful suggestions for other ways Grandma could get whatever care it is that she needs so that you can walk away from this toxic relationship once and for all.
If you are looking for approval for sticking up for yourself and that's all you need, you have come to the right place. But if that isn't enough for you, you are in charge! I'm quite that you know by now that you can't change HER. But you CAN change YOU! What is it you want for yourself? I hope you do HELP make other arrangements for Grandma if that is necessary and then you do whatever you need to do to make YOUR life the one you want and dream of! Angels watch over you. Lolli
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