She has always used me as her"whipping post" although I was always her child that stayed out of trouble and was attentive. She glories in feeling that she " has the right to be mean at times because of her age" and she certainly did so with me on Wednesday. I am her primary care giver and what she did not realize, was that I had just left a therapy session with a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome due to years of being the child and adult child who dealt with her drinking as well as the major issues with my father's very painful and drawn out death. I am a recently retired teacher (35 years), and want to start enjoy life without anxiety as I take care of my mother as well as at least one older sibling. I intend to be emotionally healthy. Mother insists on living on our farm in the house that my Dad left to me by herself. (3400 square feet/189 years old) with no neighbors.I have checked on her religiously day after day to ensure she lived through the night or had not fallen and was safely locked in at night. My question is: Since I have had enough, what can I do to ensure her safety without daily contact? I am thinking of every third day, perhaps. My siblings all live long distance by phone and are much older themselves. The younger one is either in the Middle East or Africa. I know I am whining, but I truly want to change my life without neglecting her. I hate to say this, but she has never been very kind to me and I am never a priority. I love her, respect her as my mother, but I do not like her. Thank you for any help you can give. I am looking for solutions.
Rebecca
My point is, it's totally reasonable for you to not want to spend your life living with anxiety about your mom or her nasty attitude toward you. Life is too short. Still, no matter what it's hard to live with the loss of not feeling like you ever made that connection with your mom that you wanted to make. It's a need we all share.
Don't let people bully you or treat you badly. If they can't give you the respect you deserve, at least give it to yourself. What else can you do?
Hey girl! Time to let your hair down and, w/o being crude, crass, and obscene, serve notice you're not taking c__p anymore. Your mom might drop her dentures in disbelief, but trust me: it'll be a liberating experience.
She'll rant, rave, and try to flip the script on you; but don't back down and apologize as I assume you've always done. It's a brand new day.
You can control your own behavior. You can be loving. I doubt that you can control the nature of the relationship. With the help of your therapist perhaps you can turn your attention to more attainable goals.
It is your house. If having your mother living in it alone is causing you too much stress, change that. One option is to insist she hire paid help. Another, of course, is for her to move to a care center of some sort. You can make the rules. If she is going to live in your house she has to 1), 2), 3) -- whatever conditions will relieve your anxiety. She won't agree to those terms? Offer to help her house hunt.
I am so glad you are working toward your own mental well-being. You could have Mother to deal with for another 10 to 15 years, perhaps with increased needs. Don't wait that long to take charge of your own happiness!
(as you and I well know, and they cannot be taken back ) take care J