I can't do anything right and she is always negative. She has changed. I was crying last night when I told her I wasn't coming home Thursday. She lives 3 hrs from me. I cannot handle this anymore. She told me last night to Shut up which she has never said to me. I was very upset. I told her if we cannot get along on the phone then we can't do it in person. That's when I told her I wasn't coming home. I'm so guilty and feeling hurt at the same time.
I agree that it might be a good idea to go home sometime over the next couple of months just to see how mom is doing over a longer period of time. Docs can't pick up on every little change in their patients. And some patients are very good at hiding their problems. But if you're with them 24X7 for a couple of days, the truth will come out.
My mom sounds great on the phone for the first five minutes or in the doctor's office. She looks great and sounds with it But if you talk to her longer than that, you'll see she'll ask you the same question over and over or repeat the same story over and over. She has virtually no short-term memory. Your mom may have some kind of similar thing going on, that you'll only see if you're around her in her home environment.
So stay home tomorrow if you feel like it, but consider going home at Christmas/New Years just to see how she's really doing.
Mothers DON'T have the right to say anything. Some mothers have said, "I wish I'd had an abortion instead of having you!" I think Debbie needs to grow thicker skin, but her mother does not get a free pass to say hurtful things to her children. If an ungrateful child is like a serpent's tooth, an unloving mother is twice as destructive.
My mother was wonderful and could say anything to me, but not because she was a mother. She was a wonderful person. Some mothers are just plain horrible people.
Probably most 87 year old people have at least mild dementia. I hear how hurt you are. But you need to pretend that Mom is in the hospital with a high fever. Then you would know to ignore her words, because you could see she is sick.
When she was 77, was she rude to people? I'm guessing she wasn't. She does have an illness, but it is hidden in her brain. When you believe that she is acting like this because she is a bad person or wants to hurt you, that makes you very unhappy. If you start to believe that she is doing this because of dementia or senility, It will be sad, because she is failing and will die. But you can stop taking her words personally. She talks like that to you because you are the closest person in the world to her. The meaning of her words is "I'm afraid I'm losing it. I'm mad because you can't fix it for me. If I let you know I'm losing it, you'll put me in a home. I'm sad because I am becoming unable to care for myself."
This is going to be very hard for both you and your mother. Her words are like a child's temper tantrum. The child says "I hate you" because s/he is just plain tired, cranky and miserable. The child doesn't hate you. This is going to be very hard, but if you can have love for yourself and her, it will be easier.
I agree with JessieBelle that spending some time with her will allow you to observe her more fully and try to pick up on other changes or impairments. I also agree that this sounds like symptoms of dementia, but that is a huge leap from just hearing about some phone conversations. But I'm willing to bet that SOMETHING is going on in her health. It is ironic that when she needs you the most she is pushing you away.
Until you know more about her condition, try not to take her outbursts and uncharacteristic meanness personally. I know that sounds crazy. She is your mother! How can what she says not be personal? But try hard. This behavior may not be the "real" mother. It may be fueled by a health problem.
Remove yourself from the situation when she gets mean. If you are visiting her you could say, "Mother, you seem upset right now. I think I'll take a little walk and get some fresh air. Maybe we'll both be calmer when I get back." Don't storm out of the house and slam the door (or retreat to your bedroom and slam the door). Try to stay calm. But let Mother see that you aren't going to put up with the verbal abuse. You can do a variation of this over the phone. Don't slam down the receiver, but do end the conversation.
Just a sidenote ... my 93 year old mother with dementia was taken by ambulance to the hospital a few weeks ago, for an obvious GI bleed and as it turned out a UTI. As two of my sisters and I were accompanying her from the ER to a hospital bed we were chatting a bit. She turned her head and said "shut up!" It was all we could do not to burst out laughing. Later we asked each other if we had ever heard her say that to an adult. We hadn't. And we couldn't remember for sure if she had ever said to us as children. We knew she was not herself. We didn't take it personally. In that case the health reasons were very obvious. Debby, there are very likely health reasons behind your mother's sudden and uncharacteristic "shut up." They just aren't as obvious as my mother's were that day.