I asked this forum back on June 11 about dealing with my Mother's elaborate confabulation about her dead brother. She has now added to her narrative and constantly writes notes about it on every envelope, scratch paper, etc. and leaves these notes all over the house. Going so far as to hide them. It's the darndest thing. I thought maybe removing them when I found them would help to take her mind off it, but it has only made her more angry and agitated, and more determined than ever to hang on to her delusion. She constantly harasses me to do something that I cannot do, and then she wants to fuss at me for not doing it. I do understand that to a person with dementia, their truth is the only truth. She's angry that I removed her notes. She cries, and sobs and carries on so, that she gets herself in such a bad state. Should I give them back to her?
Also, I should say that I have recently found out my breast cancer has metastasized to my lungs. I am currently getting tests, biopsies, etc. so that my doctors can determine what treatment to use. It has been super hard to deal with my Mother, because she tells me that God allowed this cancer in my life because I won't do as she asks. I know! It is terribly hurtful, and I know that is not true. But in the next breath she'll be saying how she loves me and asking me to forgive her. I think all I can do is remove myself from her presence whenever she starts this stuff. I am truly at a loss.
She must be placed.
It is time to tell her honestly that you cannot care for her in the home any more and have to take care of yourself, and that you will visit her when you can.
You know that you are looking now at heavy duty treatment WHATEVER they use. You cannot do this taking care of dementia at the same time as long as you take so seriously what your demented mom says. Were you the kind of person who would/could just say "This is the face of dementia and in some ways it is kind of funny" (and laugh to yourself that if ANYTHING is God's punishment on you it is your MOTHER), then I would say, go ahead; get in all the support for you and her that you can afford and just go for it. But you are currently taking her ridiculousness SERIOUSLY and you cannot afford to do that for your own health.
Please place your mother now.
I wish you the very best of luck ongoing. The Big C. happens. Dementia happens. My daughter's details with detached muscle in her pelvic girdle and all kinds of pain. This stuff happens. It happens to believers and those who--like myself--don't believe a danger thing. They happen. It's life. We all live. We all suffer. We all experience joy. We all die. Most things we have utterly NO control over, but you DO have control over whether or not you continue to care for Mom. If she has some control you can tell her that her continued comments will land her in a nursing home. If she DOESN'T have control (which is of course more the norm) then just ignore her and do what's best for you.
I hope you have loving support from SOMEWHERE.
I wish you the best.
Please take notice of such good advice as AlvaDeer's and BurntCaregiver's. It breaks my heart that you are giving priority to your mum's health over your own. You should care more about you than I do.
You have so much to deal with right now and certainly you don't need the asinine nonsense of your demented mother and her confabulated grievances over nothing.
Get her placed and give permission for her to be medicated for the agitation and anger. You can get her doctor to prescribe medications for her now. Ask for ones that come in liquid form that you can put right in her food or drinks without even telling her.
In the meantime, as in right now, give her back her ridiculous notes and don't touch them again. Do not give her nonsense the slightest attention. Don't feed her delusions or validate them in any way. The only acknowledgement of this crap you should give her is to tell her once or twice that something isn't true then COMPLETELY and UTTERLY ignore the topic.
Good luck to you and I wish you all the best.
One was my MIL who did not write anything beyond a grocery list in all the time I knew her. When she died we found notes in her Bible written about her husband, my FIL. I felt really sad reading her notes. That she was so alone in her pain.
The other was a good friend who wrote notes about who had stolen her purses. She had three that were beautifully designed from her days as an executive that she truly loved. She would hide them from herself and when she couldn’t find them would write the names of the people she had seen most frequently or recently. Sadly she accused the people who were caring for her. I thought the notes were her way of recognizing that she couldn’t remember and though these expressions of her distress were false, it was in an effort to control her situation in whatever way made sense to her at the time. That’s just what I consoled myself with. It doesn’t mean it was true. She could be pretty vicious when she was sure she had been wronged.
I am sorry that your mom is caught in this pattern of trying to make a record of those who she feels have harmed her.
I can understand the notes being hurtful for you even though you know they are written by a woman with a broken brain.
I’m sure your mom does love you. Love doesn’t stop just because we think someone harmed us. Just like now. You love your mom very much and she is making your life miserable. We all do understand that love.
But dear one, please know that you must act now while you are able, to place mom in care so she can get the help she needs and you can focus on your own health and life. And if she is already in care (that portion is not clear) or if your siblings are her caregivers, please step away. Skip your turn in dealing with her. Love her from afar.
Allow her the notes. Perhaps buy her a scrapbook or journal to put them in. Perhaps write her a love letter to go in the scrapbook reminding her that you do love her. Apologize for any mistakes you may have made. Put a photo of the two of you in the notebook. Nothing precious. Know she may just destroy it, but it might help you to write it and on clearer days it might help her to read it. Try to limit your in person visits as long as she upsets you. Look on the note writing as an activity for her. Nothing more. Don’t be afraid of them. Don’t dwell on them. Let them go.
Focus on those grandsons and your family if they bring you peace and free you from stress.
Try reading “Being Mortal, Medicine and What Matters in the End” by Atul Gawande. Time to focus on your life now. Big Hugs.
Think about this....if you go before Mom, she will go into a facility anyway.
Do it NOW, so you can stop the stress you are having from her wacky behaviors!
Tell her Doctor (and your Doctor) she must be placed in a facility, get a Social Worker to help you deal with this!!
Yes, she needs to be REMOVED from your mind and stay away from her! She is not helpful, she is TOXIC. She has had her life, focus on YOURS.
I'm sorry you are going through this....sending prayers.
Give her all her stupid notes in a shoebox as a parting gift!
Mom writes notes to me telling me how bad I am. The "best" one was when she accused me of killing my Dad and taking their money.
I hope for a full remission for you, my friend, once you remove the source of such stress from your life. Best of luck.
Remember, you must now live in your mothers world not force her to live in yours.
Your life will much more peaceful if you follow that simple rule of dementia.
Focus on your treatment first and foremost. Get a social worker involved for her placement, and make it known that you are no longer able to handle your mom's affairs or be her health advocate any longer because of your own health.
I have a sister who sided on the skirts of weird all her life. She is currently in a nursing/rehab home. She has this fixed idea of buying a house, moving to New York and marrying a male CNA who works in the rehab. She also is going back to college to finish her degree. I just listen with little to no response because it is a coping mechanism for her. A few months ago she claimed she was pregnant and needed prenatal care. I didn't laugh or try to talk her back into reality. I let her run with her story. She can have moments of clarity at times, but most of the time it's these stories and silliness.
Just keep in mind that the brain is broken and fixated. Strange ideas are just par for the course and the progression of the illness. In other words, the brain is broken.
When I was new to dealing with certain types of dementia, it baffled the heck out of me in the beginning. After a while, I learned to relax and just sit with my client while they go through their antics of the moment making sure they are safe.
I think that your health and wellbeing are far more important than your mum's right now.
Ensure she's safe and that someone else is taking care of her. (Whatever you need to do to get that done, do it, and don't feel guilty!) But your main priority should be you.
I'm hoping for the very best for you.
See All Answers