Having trouble determining whether grandfather can't do something, or is just feeling lazy. I'm not his full-time nurse/maid/cook!

The man is 92 and has dementia. The easiest way to avoid conflict is to let his world be the real world.

As my mother's dementia progressed, my poor dad would get frustrated in the same way you're getting frustrated. I finally told him that she's basically become a toddler again -- no filters and she can't do things even though she won't admit it .

You have the same issues. If you look at his behaviors as those of a small child (but not treat HIM like a child -- it's a fine line), then the stresses seem to diminish -- at least they did for me.

A friend once told me, "we start out in diapers, and we end in diapers." That was more true than either of us realized, as it's as much a metaphor as a reality.

Haven't read all posts yet but stopped at *living independently*. Is it time to rename this as *living alone dependantly*?

I was shocked when a social worker described my relative in this way. But I thought about it - it was true. Started a clearer look at the bigger picture.

I don't envy you the situation that's for sure. We are going through this with FIL. And the biggest problem is if you do something for him once, he expects it going forward. And because my SIL who is his primary caregiver and has tried to help, he has literally lost the ability to do certain things because he stopped doing them for himself.
We has asked ourselves your question a million times. Finally we put it to the home health team. They assured us he was capable physically of doing a number of things that he wasn't doing for himself. So SIL asked him in front of them. The specific thing she called out was dressing himself. She lays his clothes out for him, and some times they sit there for days while he lives in the same shirt and changes his adult diaper when he goes to the bathroom. When the home health PT asked him why he didn't dress himself, he pointed the finger at SIL. Said that she only helped him get dressed if he had to leave the house. The PT asked him why he didn't get himself dressed. His answer was eye opening.
"Why should I do it when she can do it so much faster? Don't you think she should always do it for me?"
The PT was flabbergasted because he sounded so sure that she would agree with him. She told him no! That as long as you can do something for yourself, no matter how long it takes you to do it, you should do it. Because every task that you stop doing you eventually lose the ability to do. And that is how people completely lose any semblance of mobility and independence without even realizing it.
My advice, don't do it unless you are sure. Stand by if assistance is really needed. Leave the room but be nearby to listen in an emergency. Maybe provide him the tools to do whatever it is he is asking and walk away.
You mention that he was used to your grandmother waiting on him and used to getting his way. This is a slippery slope. We can barely get a handhold on the way down right now. Ask the dr if he is capable of certain activity. If the dr says he is, leave it alone. Let him do it. You do start to see where they really need help and where they just don't want to do something. Or even worse, can do it, but want someone else to do it for them, which sounds the same but is a whole other layer of controlling their world. You may find that he will try to wait you out. It depends on how deep the being used to being waited on goes. But the best you can probably do right now is just be blunt. You can be gently blunt if that works. We had to take the kid gloves off with FIL because he is also unfortunately a narcissist and will run his supply into the ground to get what he wants. So we have had to start with the tough love.
You have to do what works for you. But it is a fine line between helping them and enabling them.

At 92 and suffering dementia, I would expect his physical and mental abilities to be waning. If you are not able to provide him with care, can you hire Caregivers periodically? Either through his insurance or private pay companies? I am not surprised that he needs assistance, I would not question it. I would not expect a person at his age and mental status to be able to live alone, certainly not. That would not be safe for him. Our senior loved ones deserve kindness with their required care. Getting old is not easy.

One of the things that happens with dementia is that the patient loses the ability to initiate actions. So even if they would like to take a walk or make a sandwich, their disease stops them from initiating the action.

You can break an action down into very small steps (..Stand up. Walk over here. Open this) and guide them through the task you want them to do.

Like children, it would be faster to do it yourself. But the advice we were given is to have them do as much as they can for as long as they can. So we looked at it like their therapy.

But it's not laziness. It's part of the disease. Can you get some help in, even if you are there too?

The old saying, "You never know, until you walk in their shoes". When we are young it is something one can not imagine what it is like being "old". Well let me tell you, things just don't work the way they use to, even just a few years ago. And that is with normal/good health.

I am 79 and everything works much slower, more painful, harder to do, not real steady, not sure of, how to figure out, etc. Plus for each day over that to your Gramps age it multiples and multiples. You most likely remember him when he was younger and think he should still be able to do those things. Plus add dementia to it and nothing is normal or should be expected. Nothing!!! Old age is an experience and dementia is a trip through many experiences!

With dementia you should not be surprised by anything, no more then with a very young child. Love Gramps and enjoy every minute of everyday.

A 92 year old person who has dementia, likely needs the help. I'd let go of wondering what is necessary and consider it all necessary. His abilities likely do fluctuate, but, I'd just go with if he could do it, he would.

With dementia, their brain just stops being able to process info and get the body on board to get things done. He may not be able to verbalize a lot or even know why he's not able to do it. I would watch my LO try for 10 minutes to get into a car. Her limbs worked, but, they didn't work right. People appear to having working limbs, but, the brain signals don'e work and they may not be able to get the hand to the face or foot one step ahead.

I focused on making my LO as content as possible. Everything she said was right and her every request honored. (Wink, Wink). Well, within reason. She had so little control over her self, her surroundings and her life. I've tried to help her keep her dignity. As they progress with dementia, eventually ever single thing has to be done for them.

Hopefully the "living independently" doesn't mean he is currently living alone! Although that is another topic, based on your questions it is a concern. Hoping the family is working on a solution for that.

"The blunt version of this question is “Are you asking me because you cannot do it yourself, or because you don’t feel like it and would rather I did the work for you?”"

Although he was used to being doted on by your grandmother and this may have some impact on what he is asking for, more than likely the dementia is a bigger factor in asking for assistance. Seemingly simple tasks like operating the DVD player become a huge challenge for those with dementia. It looks easy, you've done it before, but it really comes down to not being able to follow simple instructions or steps to do what they used to be able to do. My mother was living alone, and it wasn't until we took the car away and I had to help her shop that I realized she was no longer cooking for herself. This was someone who always made elaborate meals, and even decorated cakes for family weddings, etc. She was still buying the ingredients to make meals, but I would find them still in the freezer or shriveled up in the fridge, because she was using packaged items and frozen dinners.

While it may appear to be laziness, it likely isn't. Covering up by wanting to do something else or "pretending" he just can't be bothered is more of a simple way to explain away his inability to do whatever it is. He certainly won't understand why, but needs to somehow reason with it and this is the best he can do! His "memories" or abilities to be able to do something certainly can fluctuate - my mother sometimes has "flashes" of memories, but it doesn't mean she is selectively forgetting or passing things off. It just means once in a while the brain manages to make that old "connection."

His needs ARE going to increase, which is why the family needs to get together and make a plan SOONER not later! As he forgets more and more how to do simple tasks, he will become more reliant on you. He could also just be reacting to what his brain tells him he needs, which is relayed to you.

If he hasn't been seen by a doc in a while, he should get a full assessment, including blood work and urine test. UTIs will often present in bizarre ways (mom's first in MC resulted in severe sun-downing, and since then show up as night time bed wetting! before or early dementia, she was not her usual independent self due to low potassium) If everything is good medically, perhaps a low dose anti-anxiety would help? It's just enough to take the edge off but not leave him dopey. Some people know something is off but don't understand what it is and it can make them anxious and they use various techniques to reason with themselves and to try to make sense of an ever more confusing world around them.

In order to "triage" his requests, try to list the ones that would be most important for his well being. Thirst, hunger, bathroom would be the top 3. If you can keep beverages and snacks handy, and make a point of helping him with getting to the bathroom on a regular schedule, that could reduce you running around to manage these tasks. Other requests could possibly be managed by deferring them for a while and see if he mentions them again. Keep the deferred time vague, like soon, in a little while or next time I'm up. If you feel the request is not critical or really unnecessary, try deflection, distract him with something else. Sometimes this works to get his mind off whatever it was, at least temporarily.

IF he can do something he may not even realize he can do it.
He is not being lazy or seeking attention. His brain is not working properly and it will continue to get worse.
With dementia at some point you are going to have to fulfill every request. And often the request will not be made. No more I have to go to the bathroom...you will be changing him, cleaning him.
No more I need a drink. He will not be able to verbalize his need for food or water.
He will get to the point where he will not be able to chew, he will not be able to swallow liquids unless they have been thickened.
It sound like the best place for gramps would be a Memory Care unit where his needs will be met.

Dear Kat, I am a full time care giver for my husband who is 82 and diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia. This disease is like a roller coaster with so many ups and downs. There are times he can't dress himself, because he seems lost as to what he should do. I use to dress him, because it was easier and faster for me, but after awhile my body started suffering. I then laid out his clothes and would sit next to him and let him dress himself. There were many times he would sit there and didn't know how to get started, so I would say (while he sat on the toilet) put on your clean underwear, now put on your pants, put on deodorant, now put on your shirt. I cued him for awhile, now I just lay his clothes out and he dresses himself. There may be times that he will forget what he is suppose to do, so I use him, then he seems to recall what he needs to do. With this disease, I questioned whether he was faking, but the more I read on the disease and spoke with his Dr's, I realized there will be times he can do things and other days he will not. I know as caregivers we have so much to do that it seems easier for us to do then wait for them to do it, but we are only burning ourselves out and keeping them from doing for themselves. My husband got use to me using the wheel when taking him to appointments, now, I have him use his walker so he can use his legs and get some much needed exercise, so he is doing a lot for himself now, but I have to be patient and let him do it at his pace. I hope this helps you out with what you are going through.