I know my Dad is safe in AL, I know that he's frustrated and unhappy without having total control of his life, and I'm trying really hard to balance his wants (total control of everything) and his needs (he needs care). When I say "no" he says he's going to kill himself. I've talked to the AL, I've reported his threats, I think he needs psychiatric care on a higher level than they can provide there. The emails and calls are so upsetting. I'm at work and he's contacting me every way he can to say he wants to die.
I agree, call his bluff. Burnt hasn't replied yet but she does not believe in coddling a Senior.
However with his health problems, I might be hoping for a quick easy death, for myself. If it’s genuinely what he wants, it is nothing for you to feel guilty about if he decides to make it happen.
Consider saying “Dad, I can’t make you well again, and I can’t make my own life depend on being able to do everything you want. I have to earn a living, and I need to enjoy these years in the same way that you were able to enjoy them yourself. This is what I CAN do……. I hope that it’s enough, and that you will still enjoy your life enough to keep on going while you can. But it’s really your decision”.
Because he's in AL, and those threats seem to be directed solely at you, it is unlikely he will be able or has any real intention to act upon his threats. Stop reading his emails. Stop answering his calls. Limit your contact with him to a phone call once a week and, when he starts with the threats, end the call. If there's a *real* problem with your dad, the AL will call you. You do not need to be your father's emotional punching bag!
My mother was diagnosed with cancer and calmly told me she was going to kill herself before going through it a second time. It was an understandable reaction when suddenly her life was out of control, but there was no way she'd have even had the first idea how to off herself. That was fortunate, too, as it turned out she didn't have even a trace of cancer.
Dad could probably do with some anti-depressants. They're good for when you feel you're at the end of your rope, because you suddenly feel like someone handed you a little more rope.
That should shut him up. He's using that threat to get you to drop everything and be at his beck and call, and it sounds like so far you are falling for it.
People that threaten but never act, do so to get attention and in your dads case his way.
It's time to stop the madness. Start by not reading his emails and stop answering his calls. If there is a legit issue, his AL facility will call you.
You can choose to believe your dad and report him as someone who is harmful to himself or others and ask that he be evaluated through an involuntary commitment. In some states this is called The Baker Act. Google it for your state and see what it is called and what steps to take.
Alternately you can ignore his calls/emails and stop torturing yourself.
Find a baseline of what is “good enough” that you can live with and check it off each time your anxiety surfaces. You wouldn’t be the first caregiver who had to seek therapy and meds for yourself to get through this difficult stage in your fathers care.
You say you know he is safe in an ALF. Do you mean from a suicide attempt? Because even in a locked facility (and usually they are not locked) he can get hold of medications and he is NOT safe.
I agree this MUST be taken seriously. If he is not on hospice care I would send him via EMS to ER and request psychiatric evaluation. Your Dad may need to be on some anti- depressants for a while. I would present the emails; do not lose them. Copies of them should go to the admin at the ALF today.
If you are POA you are the one who must act now, not the ALF. I am so sorry. If you are not POA I would call the suicide hot line today for advice. They are at 988 if I am not mistaken. They can tell you how to seek intervention. This shouldn't be ignored.
As to calls, you need to inform Dad you will accept a call in the evening after work daily. Do not accept more. Provide him with the suicide hotline number.