I know of an elderly woman that doesn't want to move out of her home, to go live with her daughter, basically because she wants to stay in the home where she lived with her now deceased husband. Does it help to comes to terms with grief if one is not living in the home that they shared with a deceased spouse (constant reminders)? She has the option of moving in with her daughterl, and her daughter is considering moving in with her as another option. Has anyone had any experience with this type of situation? Any comments?
Seems perfectly normal to me. My Dad died 30+ years ago and my Mother is still in the same house. My neighbors' aunt lives in the same house her grandmother was born in, as well as her Mother, and they both died there.
My mother continued to live in the same apartment after my father died, for 15 years. She now lives with a daughter, simply because she has dementia and needs help with activities of daily living. All three of Mom's sisters and one sister-in-law continued to live where they had lived with their husbands. They all seem/seemed emotionally healthy to me.
My husband died a month ago. I intend to continue living in this house we shared until I can't afford it, can't keep it up, or need help. This is where my furniture fits. This is were I display my collectibles. This is where I have good neighbors. I know where the nearest all-night drugstore is, and my hair stylist is less than a mile away. This is where every room has bookshelves and tons of my books, and, yes, my late husband's books. This is where my life is centered. If I had to move now, over and above absorbing the HUGE change in my life from my husband's death, I think the emotional trauma would be overwhelming. One life-changing event at a time, please.
Are there constant reminders of my husband in this house? Certainly. Do you think I wouldn't notice that I'm a widow if I didn't see those reminders? Any one who thinks that without visual reminders a widow won't think of her late husband and miss him has simply not experienced the death of a spouse.
If there were certain reminders that were just too painful, I'd make changes to that aspect of the house. I wondered if I would want to redecorate our bedroom, for example. But I have decided that I love my bedroom and I feel peaceful knowing my dear husband finished his life in such a pleasant room. Is that emotionally unhealthy? I don't think so.
I am working on removing all of his clothing (I want the closet space) ... and the kids and grandkids all want mementos. I am also keeping a few items. We all like the idea of having a reminder of our husband/father/grandfather. I saw our daughter in one of her dad's golf shirts last week and it truly made me feel good. I don't think that having visual reminders of someone you love is unhealthy. (Of course, if that is the only shirt she would wear, or she bawled every time she washed it, that would be a different matter. She just likes wearing it once in a while, and seeing it when she thumbs through shirts handing in her closet.)
Everyone comes to terms with grief in their own ways.
Does this elderly woman have health issues? Is she unable to care for herself? Does she have mobility issues, dementia, mental illness, etc? In general, I prefer to see elders remain living on their own, perhaps with some paid in-home care, as long as they safely can. Moving in with a child or having the child move in with them CAN be a good solution when independent living is no longer safe, but it isn't always the best solution. Many, many factors go into that decision. Simply being widowed is not sufficient reason to give up independence and live with an adult child.
I have no doubt at all that this elderly woman's daughter has the very best intentions. I don't think that she has a good grasp of what being widowed is really like. What does her mom want?