Mom has been living with me for over 33 yrs. In her late 70' s she has developed liver disease and vascular dementia. Her dementia has def gotten bad over the yrs. She has gotten very mean with my daughter and with me. I've kept dealing with it until she fell and fractured her hip. I took her to the ER and they admitted her for one week. Then the Dr recommended rehab for a few weeks. The rehab has def helped her and she is up and walking with a walker although she still is wobbly., but her dementia seems even worse now. All she does is call me all day long not knowing where she is and when she can come home. Dr says she is better in the home and needs skilled nursing. My sister says she's not that bad and expects me to take care of her everyday. I have no help with my mom and the burden is getting so heavy on me and my family. Is it wrong for me to keep her in a nursing home and not bring her back to live with me? I feel so guilty and it's the worst situation I've ever been in. I love her so much but almost feel relieved that she isn't home. I know that sounds bad. Any advice will truly help me.
Anyone who is not hands on in the caregiving gets zero votes. 🙁
As to her worsening condition now.
You didn't cause this.
You cannot fix this.
To me it is very wrong to sacrifice your own life upon the burning funeral pyre of a parent. It is a waste of your life. Your Mother has HAD her life, and 33 years of yours.
If you STILL cannot face placing your mother in good care then I feel you should seek therapy for yourself. There would be little we could do to change your basic thinking and you require professional help and guidance to help you change your habitual thinking patterns.
I wish you the best.
So often elderly are sent home from rehab and families struggle caring for them and have to wait until they end up in the hospital again sometimes multiple times before being able to place in the appropriate level of care .
As far as your sister …..She has no say . She can either take Mom home with her or shut up .
And if sister doesn't want her to stay there then you tell her that she will now have to take her into her home as you have paid more than your dues with having your mom living with you for over 33 years. To be honest, I don't know how you lasted that long. You obviously are a much bigger and better person than I am.
Listen to the doctor and keep her in the nursing facility. And when mom asks when she can come home, you continue to say that whenever the doctor says she can, which of course will never happen.
Your mom will only continue to get worse with her dementia and she is now somewhere that is better equipped to give her the care she requires.
So instead of feeling "guilty"(it's grief by the way not guilt)be grateful that she is now safe and being taken care of right where she's at, and that you can get back to just being her loving daughter and advocate instead of her burned out caregiver.
PLEASE do not under any circumstances bring her back home.
You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. None, zip, zilch, nada!
If anyone has any reason to feel guilty, it is your sister for telling you to continue to take care of your mom.
Your mom does need help. She will receive help in the nursing home. You can oversee her care by being her advocate.
Either ignore your sister or tell her that you have done more than you share. Tell her that you are going to follow the recommendations of her doctor.
Your sister can go visit her every single day if she wants to.
Enjoy your time off. Lord knows that you have earned it!
I recommend that you put a block on calls from your mom, the doctor says she needs care beyond you and that's that. You getting 30 calls doesn't change that but, it stresses you out more. Choose a time or times that you will take moms call(s) and create a pat saying for her, such as, mom, you can come home when the doctor says it's safe and okay, then move on in the conversation or hang up, whichever works for you. If you are visiting and she starts, same thing. You both have to learn the new reality and it is lots of hard change. You both will be okay during the hard process.
As for your sister, you need to tell her straight out, it doesn't matter what she wants or thinks, you can NOT continue to safely care for mom and you are not going to be guilted for something that is out of your hands. If she doesn't like it, she can take mom to her house and forsake her entire life, job included to prop up this situation that now requires a village.
You matter too, don't let anyone push you into bringing your mom home if you are at your end with it. You do not want to be a statistic and die or have a major medical issue from the stress of caring for your mom, it's a real thing and I have personally witnessed the caregiver needing care themselves because they couldn't/wouldn't/didn't say enough, I can't do this anymore.
You will still be there for your mom and you will advocate for her, you will be able to do enrichment activities with her and you will be able to be her daughter again. Care placement does NOT mean you are throwing her away, just changing how she gets care. And change is hard, as you are seeing.
Stay strong and advocate for yourself in this difficult situation. You can do it!
Great big warm hug!
Tell your sister this once. Refuse to discuss it further. This will take a lot of will power on your part, but you can do it.
I've learned that when I keep discussing matters with a hardheaded (family) person who refuses to back down because they want their own way, the last thing I should do is say anything about anything. If I do, that gives them a hook to hang me on. I remain pleasant, smiling, and go on about my business. Works for me!