Hi, I am in my forties and both of my parents are in their seventies. My father has been ill since the beginning of October with MRSA, perforated bowel, hernias , and blood clots. I have lived at home with them for many years and have been there to help them with these recent health problems since October. They have always had a pretty rocky marriage but stuck together and my mother can be quite difficult at times, behavior wise-ask any family member or relative. She does help take good care for my father, though it does come laced with emotional outbursts. She gets the job done but she just drains you with all of her emotional baggage. I feel pressure mounting on me with trying to hold down a demanding teaching job . A nice townhouse, 2.5 miles away has opened up for the end of the winter time frame and I am considering taking it but I am feeling some guilt about leaving while he is ill. My mother is a pretty good manipulator and will make me feel terrible about leaving. I have a minor health issue myself. Two siblings are farther away. Any advice?
You will feel guilty. Push that feeling to the background and go on with doing what you need to do.
Mom will push every guilt button she has invested decades in installing. She will be mad. Stay strong. Be polite, kind, and very firm. You are doing your thing for your reasons. You are entitled to do that.
You are a TEACHER! You can get an entire class of individual egos to shut up and listen to you, however briefly. You can do this.
Suggested dialogue: I know you're upset about this. I will still be here, but I need to be able to go to my own space to sleep at night. You know how badly dad snores! (Insert jokes whenever possible.)
Maybe I am selfish. How sad for you to see that you have raised a selfish child.
We can hire someone to come in and clean and/or grocery shop and/or sit with Dad while you go out. If you don't like the person they send, we can get someone else. You don't want a stranger in the house? I understand, but I just can't do it all any more. I'm getting older too, you know!
She has an absolute right to hate your moving out, and to express her feelings. You have an absolute right to do what's best for you anyway. Be kind and gentle, and YOU can feel good about how you are behaving, no matter what she says. It won't be easy, but you can do it, and you'll be glad you did.
She will likely oppose it strongly, as you will be moving out of her sphere of control. Do it anyway. What countrymouse has said is true. People use FOG - fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate others. Don't let them.
Come back and let us know how you are doing. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))