Help for my mother?

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Help for my mother?

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Start with a doctor's examination - 1 for physical health and 1 for mental health. Once you can get her as well-adjusted as possible, then you can address financial issues. Since she has very little job experience, she may need to find a job at Walmart, Target or a fast food place. Yes, she will be earning minimal wage, but bigger corporations have grants and educational opportunities that she can take advantage of.

Also get to an outreach program that helps women. I help at a women's outreach through our church in Florida that helps many widows and women leaving abusive situations. The counsellors can help her fill out applications for federal, state and local aid as well as help her move into more independent life situation.

I am re-entering the work force after 20 years away. I am going to be 58 years old. So let her know that it is possible for a better "2nd Act" in her life.

Please be aware that your mom may become more dependent again as she ages. Strength, agility and health tend to decline as we all age, Talk with her about options and plan for this eventuality.

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I agree with you, MaryKathleen.

This woman was born in like 1960 or 1961? She came of age in the 1980s! Enough with the "this poor woman" schtick. In my opinion, this situation calls for a direct approach with plenty of tough love from a woman her own age who she can't manipulate. Or, she can crawl back to one of her ex-gentlemen folk and ask him to support her.

The pandemic has made it abundantly clear that money is drying up left and right. Millions of hardworking people are now living hand to mouth and at risk of losing their homes. I disagree completely with handing out precious resources like Section 8 to people like this woman when millions of unemployed and furloughed people need assistance. She made her choices decade after decade. The poverty this pandemic is causing millions of Americans was not their choice.

You can't fix your mother. She uses people. She used men and now she's using you. Sorry to be so blunt.

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Best answer. And I don’t think she should get a Medicaid placement for her mild problems. She’s lived off men and now her daughter. The taxpayers should not be the people who support her bad choices.

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In addition to the answers below, go to your local OFFICE ON AGING. I think each county in PA has one. Get their input. Also call the hospitals for information, and the government agencies for input, Social Security, Medicaid, etc. Someone has to have some information to help. I fully agree you have to stop taking care of her. She made the problem, not you, and she has to pay the price. Somehow a way must be found for you to have a life. Can you also talk to an eldercare attorney for advice. Perhaps she could go into a nursing home due to her condition and let Medicaid pay for it.

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It sounds like mental health issues are more the problem. Mental illness is difficult to treat and is often misunderstood and misdiagnosed. Look at the NAMI website and see what resource might be available for you and for her.

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So, Social Security seems to operate on an underlying assumption that women born after 1954 have had an expectation of working and supporting themselves and not being dependent upon spousal benefts.

I say that because a huge change was made in the way that spouses could claim spousal SS if they had a birthday AFTER 1/1/1954. Folks BEFORE that date were/are allowed to claim one half of their spouses SS benefit and defer their own. The assumption appears to be that women born until 1953 did not grow up with the assumption that they would have to work.

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I would start with your county's department of public welfare which includes financial and medical assistance. Your mother should receive assistance and be assigned to a case manager. In my state/county, an applicant is a also connected with career link. The department of public welfare may be able to suggest other agencies to provide assistance. Since the is 60, the area agency on Aging may be able to help too. The Y has a program called senior shared housing for which she may be eligible. I think a frank discussion with your mother is in order too. Boundaries and goals need to be set. Your mother needs to dig deep and find her ability to be independent. Living with you should not be a long term option. A deadline needs to be set and executed. Social security should also be explored to see if she qualifies.

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There are two problems here: one is money, the other is everything else. Without the money problem, I’d say that AL or IL would be good. My long-term single mother went into IL at about 65, and helped several other women there who had the same life history as your mother. Your mother would be helped to learn all these new skills together with other people, too. She's probably terrified at the moment, won't even face the need to learn.

Perhaps you could look for some type of senior living that had the same ‘group support’ going on, even if you had to subsidise it for 6 months. In the meantime, she looks around for paying jobs. Was the last man, the one who took off, your father? Could you see if he could help financially for a while? You've got lots of good advice here about benefits to look for immediately.

By the way, mild scoliosis is very common, and is not normally a problem at 60. Serious scoliosis deteriorates, and it’s a different ball game altogether (me). If she has never had Xrays that show her ‘Cobb angle’, it shouldn’t be serious enough to stop her working.

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She's 60 with no insurance, so assuming that means not on disability Medicare or Medicaid. Unless she has some medical documentation to verify there's no kind of work she can do, you're talking about (probably) a 2 year process of denials/reapplications to try to get either of those.

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Please try suggestions that have been offered. You may need to set a date for when your mom needs to be out of the house as she may not take you seriously. Reach out to a county mental health department & ask about free or reduced assistance. My county (VA) has this & they also have a Social Worker to help with the other situations such as housing, insurance, etc. At this time your mom may not be able to do the planning or reaching out W/O your assistance. She may be experiencing confusion or feel helpless due to anxiety +/or depression. She needs to be in a better mental health status in order to progress towards taking care of herself. I pray that your mom's mental health will steadily improve to the point where she realizes that she can & will do this for herself instead of relying on you. Best of luck. Be there & assist but don't enable her.

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Is there any kind of public transportation where you are - buses? Is there any kind of dollar store, sandwich shop, fast food close to you - maybe even walking distance. Even a grocery store to check groceries. Lots of those places hiring right now. That's how she can get started into the workforce so she can build a resume and get something better. You can also check with social media like Nextdoor to see if anyone looking for someone to sit with older person at night or in the day - maybe some light housekeeping. If you attend church, put the word out there that mom can work.
Have the chat with her that you just posted. She NEEDS some sort of income and even with back problems there is usually something you can do to make money. Get her to apply to a few places for even part time work just to start. Just let her know that since she no longer has someone to support her, she has to make an attempt herself. Some of the depression likely comes from where she is right now - nothing to do all day, no one to take care of her and her bills.
- On the other hand, someone had a sister in same situation. Family counselor asked them why they were paying all of the expenses for her. They said exactly what you said - guy ran off and no income and no one to support her. Counselor said people that are looking for someone else to provide all the support will quickly find another benefactor when the current one stops paying for things. Counselor was 100% on that.

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Imho, even at this late stage in her life, she should be able to garner some kind of skill set. Perhaps she should work with her town's Council on Aging social worker. It's never to late!

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You do know there is a pandemic,right? She needs protection and support right now. She should apply for Every possible program available to her:medicaid,foodstamps,possibly s.s.I. Depending on severity of back problems. I may very well have the same back compression as many older people do,it Hurts!

Look into dept. Of health and human services or socialservices for programs specific to women:free mammogram,scholarships or training,transportation subsidy,low income/age restricted housing.

In the mean time,she can look into online jobs or at least do some work around the house and Contribute!

She also could probably use help setting useful daily and longerterm goals. Maybe finish a g.e.d. Or learn some computer procedures or software,indoor garden,yoga???

Do not forget the churches and social agencies.

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Edit - It's never TOO late.

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Was your mom married for more than ten years to any of the gentlemen in her life? If so, she may be eligible to get Social Security on THEIR account. I turn 60 next weekend, and on the third of next month will recieve my first spousal survivor check. Getting her some kind of income is your first step. At 60, with no prior experience or training, it is very doubtful your mom will find any type of real job, particularly if she is not motivated to work. If Social Security via the spousal route is not available, you can try disability, ssi, or welfare. Income is the key. You can also look into things like Section 8 housing.

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Wheredoigo85, in reading through the many suggestions, I think bringing her to the Social Security office asap will be a fruitful place to start. Then you will clearly know what the options are (and where she can get housing).

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Social security isn’t the appropriate place to take her for housing info. I think perhaps you mean social services or health & human services?

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I am currently in my mid-sixties and can tell you that to me your Mom is young and has a lot of life to live.
With that said, the first thing you should work at is changing her attitude about:
- Working. If she can find a job it could offer her an opportunity to establish a routine, meet new people, and (not least of all) make money.
- Driving. Although she hasn’t driven so far, that doesn’t mean she can’t start now. Learning can offer her freedom that she has never had before. Also, it is fun!
- Getting her own place. My 96 year old aunt lives in a small government-run apartment for independent seniors that is fabulous. They have wine parties, trips to movies and shopping as well as other facility-organized activities. She is free to come and go as she pleases. Couldn’t your mother enjoy something like this?
The second thing you should do is change your own attitude. Even if none of the things I’ve mentioned come to fruition for her, you MUST move on with your life. It will not help either of you if you give up your dreams for marriage, children, an education or career. If necessary, see a therapist, social worker or clergyman to help you navigate how to proceed, but don’t give up!

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Walmart

Janelle Evans mom, Barbara on Teen Mom works at one, and she is probably at or over 60

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One of my SIL's mother worked at Target well into her 60s. She loved her job. She was a housewife, mother and talented quilter with a lot of knowledge that she willingly shared with customers who came into the store looking for products. She got to know customers. Regular customers chatted with her even when they didn't need her help. She felt useful because she was useful.

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Are any Goodwill places open in Mom's area? These stores and warehouses hire, and jobs train and pay no matter how long unemployed.

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