I have been the primary caregiver for my mother for six years now. She has cancer, congestive heart failure, Ogilvie syndrome, UTI, is unable to get out of bed , has dementia , possibly Parkinson’s? Anyway, I feel as though I have passed some point of no return with personal hopelessness. My sister that could help doesn’t, my brothers are dead, my other sister has MS . I have literally spent the last 1,000 days and more alone in the country... no friends, no single women or very few. I’m very lonely and depressed and I cannot think of a way to put my life back together. It feels like she will outlive me . I don’t know what to do . I’m not even in her will and my son that is will do nothing to help . I’m 55 and I’m not financially secure enough to retire or to do anything. Like I said I am lost and I need advice . I stay extremely depressed and always alone...always. This is much harder than being a single father was. The sun is going down and I’m so very lonely every day?? I don’t know what to do. She was abusive when I was a kid and I left home when I was very young . I don’t understand if God put this on me or if I put this on myself by trying to save my sons inheritance. I’m fairly hopeless and can’t remember what it is like to be happy or to be social. I hate where I have to live to take care of her . It’s complicated. Just about every day I feel as though I cannot make it another day doing this. What do I do? Life is so damn short.
How did you happen to move back home to care for your abusive mother? Did someone tell you that it was your duty to do so?
It wasn't.
So, now you need to get out from under this unfairly imposed burden, right? On Monday, you are going to call your local Area Agency on Aging. You find them on the State or County website. You are going to ask them to come out and do a "needs assessment" for your mom. That will tell you what level of care she needs.
Are your finances separate? Do you have financial and medical Power of Attorney so that you can look at her finances? What are her resources, both assets and income stream? THOSE should be paying for her care. Going forward, they will be used. There is no inheritance until the person whose assets they are is dead; before they die, those assets are used for care.
YOU should be paid for being her caregiver. You probably want to find an eldercare attorney and find out how to set up a "caregiver contract" so that you can be paid for what you are doing until you get her into care.
If she is going to refuse to pay you, you will need to leave. If she says that she's not going to day care, Assisted Living or whatever else, you're leaving. You are leaving no matter what, because while you are her caring son (and given the abuse, I don't know why) you need to prepare for your own old age. You need a job and social security credits.
Start researching the Area Agency on Aging in your area and check back in.
We care!
exploitative as well as abusive, so all we essentially do is step back into our former victim role. But this time, because we ourselves are now aging, the abuse and/or exploitation comes with a very steep price. To our finances, our social lives, our
health, and quality of life.
I'm afraid you have some hard choices ahead of you. You say that you are trying to save your son's inheritance. The son who does not help you out. Perhaps you need to rethink the wisdom of this. Also, as your Mom is quite ill, perhaps you need to consider researching quality nursing or assisted living homes in area and get her or wait list. If she needs to go to hospital for any reason you could place her upon discharge.
You don't mention if you are POA for either her finances or health care. If you are and you are able to prove she is no longer able to manage her finances or health care decisions, you could sell her home and property and buy her something more conducive for her health situation and get her in home care.
Just a few ideas for you Robbie55. You might wish to consider online or telephone support groups. If you've been abused growing up, a safe place to start is ACA
Adult Children of Alcoholics, which has now been revised to include all dysfunctional families. Though I'm not a hard core by the book type, I've found it
helps to speak with fellow travelers who've had the same experience. Those who
have not dealt with this issue are usually dismissive unfortunately.
Good luck with your decision making process. You clearly need to find alternative
support for yourself and also likely for your mother as well. I really hope things
work out for you! :)
Get yourself to your doctor, get started with treatment for depression and let her become a ward of the state. Really.
If the good old boys in town are not going to give you the time of day, walk.
I think that phrase summarizes all the ‘whys’ of the situation you are in right now, how you feel, how you don’t feel, what you do and what you don’t do. Because the issue is Robbie that your mom and her circumstances are defining your life.
I am always a proponent of loving and caring for our parents even (or more so) when they are hard to love, which applies to a large part of the elderly population of parents for reasons easily explained by the aging process itself. But see, your situation is very specific and different because as you said, “She’s not right and never has been”, and that impacted you deeply and I don’t think you have been able to heal at all.
How do you think someone that is not healthy emotionally and physically, can take care of someone that is so ill in every aspect that you can possibly think of?
I know this is a hard to face truth, but I honestly believe that you and your mom keep being tangled up in a severely unhealthy relationship where love is truly not the driving force. I believe you feel (and have always felt) so responsible because you feel guilty, and like someone else pointed out, your have become unconsciously too familiar with the victim’s role, and so has she. Even though you might feel she is the victimizer, in her head she has always been a victim.
So Robbie, my advice is to take care of yourself so you can -if you want- at some point, try to have a healthier relationship with your mom. You may think this huge sacrifice you’re doing is all for the benefit of your mom, yet I would invite you to analyze the situation again and with the most honest-honesty answer to yourself if you believe your mom is receiving the care she really needs according to her physical and mental state, and very importantly Robbie, do you think you are really making the difference you wish to make through this enormous sacrifice? Do you realize how much self damage you are allowing to happen? Damage to your self esteem, damage that can easily be detrimental to your physical health, sabotaging your inner peace, etc., all of that and more..for what reason, which goal?
What is the force that really moves you Robbie, that is an important question to answer to yourself.
About the inheritance, as someone else said your mom’s assets should be used for what they are meant to, her own care.
Use them to provide her with good quality care that will be a thousand times better for her and for you. Don’t you think she would feel much better being taken care of by someone she doesn’t share a tormenting past with, towards whom she has no resentment (yes, despite all, she may resent you), no unhealthy emotional baggage?
And wont you feel RELIEVED knowing she is receiving proper care and you are free, free to get yourself healthier! Seek therapy Robbie, don’t delay that. The way I see it you are deeply trapped in two holes: A physical one, being in the same environment than your mother, and an emotional one having her and your very unhealthy relationship with her as the center of your life.
I would like to urge you from a place of love and understanding, to get out of both holes.
And your sons? They sound to me as if they could benefit from a growing-up lesson/dosage from life, as that would be a much more valuable inheritance to leave them.
They would also benefit from having a healthier father, and your path to health will start with your decision to change your current circumstances, leading to changing your mom’s current circumstances.
Get healthier so you can at some point soon think about your mother with a sense of compassion and not resentment Robbie. That requires a lot of work within yourself, hence I urge you to start that journey soon! It will be for everyone’s benefit. You need to break the cycle, be brave, be smart and be kind to yourself and also to your family.
My most sincere hug to you!
I have been through 4 years of intense therapy for the situation with my mother before I became her caregiver. I was finally feeling as though I was gaining a greater understanding of the reasons why I have been through many different things such as unhealthy relationships and alcohol abuse throughout my life and was feeling like I could finally move on from all of that . I learned a long time ago that I was a child and the guilt belongs with her and not me. I confronted her in the past several times and even wrote her a letter and burned it . I made so much progress . I broke the cycle of abuse also by going through the therapy and I even took all of my kids to Vanderbilt for counseling after their mother abandoned them / us . They were extremely angry and didn’t understand that . I definitely feel as though I need a good therapist again especially because this has been so detrimental to my life .
I normally do a pretty good job at separating my emotions while being around my mother and somehow manage to “ stuff” my feelings down inside this overflowing bucket. Sometimes I do get angry especially if I feel as though she is being a pervert again . Mom on the other hand does resent me and has no problem showing it . She has for as far back as I can remember . I don’t know 🤔 why . She expresses that in many ways. It’s like she feels as though she is in control of me which because of the current situation there is some truth to that. Only if I allow that I know .
The situation is even a little more complicated now because she is on her death bed and hospice does help . I couldn’t do this without their help for sure .
I have put her in rehab twice and I was the only person in my family that would visit her . I was the only person that would bring her back to her home . I feel as though since I have made it through six years of doing this that it would be sick to put her into a nursing home and then have her die within a few weeks and then lose her small piece of property and ancient home . This is so messed up that she has put the “ power” or decision into my sons hands to give me a piece of land . I don’t know what he’ll do . He says that he will , but , he has only visited once in the last two years . I’m seeing a side of him that I never saw before. So , I have no guarantees that he will do anything . I feel as though that was part of her continued abuse . The way she has arranged things keeps me locked into that sick dysfunctional relationship.
May sound funny, but , through studying psychology for several years at a University , and intense therapy I believe I had become the least dysfunctional person in my family . I went through so much in the past while trying to create a “ normal “ life and a healthy relationship that I finally felt ready to do just that .
I was in Nursing school also . That’s when my kids mother left us in Nashville . I continued in school for as long as I could while working and raising my three kids until my GPA really began to suffer and they were becoming teenagers. I was blessed to have a young lady that was a social worker come into our home and help with my daughter and a guy that was studying to be a therapist came over also to help with the constant fighting between my kids. I even took them separately and together to different specialist at Vanderbilt. One in particular worked primarily with kids from New York City and Miami with some of the most difficult cases . Her husband was a scientist at Vanderbilt and actually discovered that our brains produce dopamine or one of the important things we need for peace . Their last name was Spector or Specter . Anyway , I think I am deflecting a bit here and just noticed .
This has been a very difficult and long road . I do hang on daily sometimes. I’m completely sober in every way, so , I don’t have any thing like that to fall back on and from my experience I know that it doesn’t help anyway . Always makes things worse.
Please do what you have to do for yourself - not preserving money or any illusion of a relationship, but preserving yourself and building the life you deserve. Others have given practical advice. Please reach out to the resources around you and make the changes you need to make for you. You can build a good life for yourself. Make one change today and let us know how you are doing.
I appreciate you sharing with me . I am stressed out this morning as I just had to change her diaper which may not seem like a big deal to many people, but , I have to relive the abuse every time I do especially if it was like today . Most people don’t understand that . What is really sick is it’s like the more uncomfortable I feel etc . she always appears to enjoy that like she is sadistic . In fact ,I know she is.
I’m sorry that you went through that too . It changes the trajectory of your life for a long time until you finally realize what has been going on . Bad relationships , alcohol abuse etc . Bad decisions, inability to trust people or to even let them in . It’s like the abuse destroyed who I was supposed to be and the paths I took in life. Hindsight is 20/20 right ? So we or atleast I realized many of these things much later in life . I didn’t become the man that I was supposed to be . Yes I’m angry . I cannot get that back . I’m sure you can relate .
I am going to reach out and I hope I have not gotten to much off topic by incorporating the other stuff with being a care giver . Thank you . I will keep everyone posted about what I find out and changes .
I appreciate your words of advice and your kindness . I am going to work on this starting tomorrow . My mother is on her death bed , but , sometimes she’s so mean that it feels as though she will live forever. I know that’s not true and there lies the double edged sword . It cuts either way . It hurts to continue taking care of her and it will hurt when she dies . I appreciate your kindness very much . I am going to take care of myself the best that I can and infact I work out and exercise on a regular basis and even try to always eat healthy food etc . No alcohol, drugs or tobacco . Still , the stress is affecting my blood pressure . I’m going to be reading everything again and I truly appreciate your time. I hope that everyone replying to me can see all of the post because together they explain a more complete picture of what has been going on . Have a blessed day .
An adult who was abused by their parent is generally advised NEVER to find themselves doing hands on care. It's one of those " no brainer" rules of thumb.
Nnursing Home costs in Mississippi average between $4000-$8000 per month. That's how much money you've been saving her per month. I hope that makes your sense of self worth go way up!!
I dunno Brooklyn. Despite anything I do it seems like my family never sees it . My kids and siblings . Sometimes I just want to run away from all of them . Sounds crazy probably .
Thank you for discussing this with me . I will look into everything. I have to read through all of the reply’s later and probably take notes . Something definitely has to change .
I will I’ll let everyone know what is going on . I did this because there was noone else that would in my family . I knew it was to much and honestly didn’t think it would be for 6 years . Thank you again .
I am dealing with trying to sell a house in an area that has had setbacks in the market. I am also dealing with a spouse with a cancer diagnosis. I am prone to anxiety and depression. I also have an aging mother in AL. My present medication was doubled and this has helped me greatly. It can't solve the problems but it allows me clarity to live with them. I don't know if that is the answer for you. You obviously have so much to deal with in your life. I would also hope you could search for possibly several support groups. This may be a time that religion could help with the loneliness.
I hope you can find some solutions to help you with the many issues that are in your life. You are worth it.
I have considered going to a group for caregivers that they have here . I just live way out in the country and that would make it a pain . I have been thinking about church more lately for sure . It has been a while since I have gone .
Thank you for your your reply. I appreciate everyone here. Everyone has been helpful .
Your son earns good money, he doesn't need an inheritance, so toss in the towel and put her in a care home so she doesn't have access to further damage your family or yourself. Let it go and move on. Her money is for her care, not a carrot to dangle so she can hurt anyone.
I think putting Mom in LTC would be mute at this point. The Hospice Nurse should be able to give you an idea of "how long". If it still could be a while, then ask about transferring her to LTC on her dime. More likely to get a rm if private pay.
Also , I will ask hospice about the time frame that they believe she has left . I know to qualify it is 3-6 months . She’s been fairly stable and actually started doing better after I brought her home . She is DNA . While she was still lucid enough I asked her while her nurse was here . She said that she definitely didn’t want to be recessitated
when she dies .
Thank you for the advice I truly appreciate it !