My mother passed away a few months ago and it's devastated my father, well, several things have, actually. This is kind of complex so forgive the length. My mother and father were divorced but she lived on a property that they both owned. Specifically, it was a ranch, my father grew up there and is very attached to it. When she died I inherited her half of the property. My father would spend his days, going out there, puttering around, fixing things (so many jury rigs) and it all kind of gave him meaning and something to do. The problem is that he can't really do the things he did because he's getting close to being blind. He has severe Macular Degeneration. He also won't go inside the house on the property after my mother died leaving me to handle everything. So, I have a problem and he does. He's going to face 3 major changes in his life: the loss of my mother; the loss of his eyesight; the loss of the property. He's clearly depressed. He also has had anxiety issues for years, worries about everything. The worry has led to some irrational things. He's also really needy, calls me every day, sometimes several times a day. My biggest concern is the driving. He can't see some days. He says he doesn't drive when the eyesight is really bad, and I mostly believe him. I've followed him, he does drive fairly safe. His eyesight is also a mystery to me. I have the numbers, they are bad. It takes him 15 minutes to write a check but he won't let me automate them or get him low vision checks. Or, like the other day, he spots an eagle flying then can't figure out if he's pulling out a ten or twenty from the wallet. And then I found him at pharmacy during rush hour picking up meds. I didn't say anything but I was really pissed over this. The other thing he did was go out to the ranch and cut down a tree. Because he can't see he didn't realize it was covered with poison oak and ran the chainsaw right through it. He doesn't get poison oak, went home showered, was fine, but didn't clean the car. The next day he called me demanding I take some stuff to the dump, in his truck. I missed 2-1/2 days of work, had two prednisone treatments and one shot. Finally, I started getting better but something still had the oil on it as my hands have blistered. I don't know what to do. He won't call a cab. He will let me and friends drive him but I live out of town and he's exhausting. If I take him to lunch, and it's place he went to with mom, I have to hear about that. If it's a place he doesn't know, he complains about not being able to read the menu. I took him for a drive and I got the "well, guess I'll never do this again." Of course, a therapist is out, although I hold out some hope as I found one who might come to his house. I'm getting really frustrated with him. Yesterday, he drove himself to the pharmacy. Normally, I'd probably let him do that, it's only a couple of miles, he knows the way, but he did it at 5:00 PM, when it's really busy. I was pissed after I got off the phone with him although I didn't say anything to him because it would just cause more moping, his speciality. What he really wants is for me to move into my mother's place, to go out there and work on little projects (he won't move there) and for me to be available to him like she was. That isn't going to happen. He would call her 4 or 5 times a day, something she used to complain about to me. So, I'm at a complete loss. He won't accept help although he says he will. He won't change, doesn't even want to try. Won't talk to someone. Won't do anything, really, except what he's always done. There's a lot here, many moving parts, but I don't now what to do. I'm kind of frustrated at having to deal with this so soon after taking care of my mother and I'll admit that I haven't always been that supportive. But when I talk to him about things he just goes into mope mode, the world's awful but if I leave him alone I'm scared too. Any advice is welcome. I had no idea where to put this. It's a driving issue. It's an independent living issue. It's several more but, ultimately, I think it's an independence issue.
Anyways, I spoke to my father last night and he seems to get it. It's hard for someone whose used to doing everything himself, being in charge, to not be. And the eyesight just makes it worse. I think he realizes it's not just his safety but people around him.
We'll see what happens!
Check his house for any other dangerous tools etc. He is not going to like it, but tell him you are concerned about his safety and leave it at that.
Check his house for any other dangerous tools etc. He is not going to like it, but tell him you are concerned about his safety and leave it at that.
I don't think it's dementia. I'm not getting that vibe at all and I went through it with my mother. He's not displaying any of the classic symptoms.
He does, and has, had anxiety issues, something that goes way back. He's also depressed. And to be fair, any of these issues would be traumatic to him: losing the ranch, his eyesight and my mother, even if I think that selling the ranch will be tremendously freeing to him after it happens.. Right now, all three are a train wreck.
So, from my perspective at least, it's a mental health issue, primarily, with his and other's safety a close second. I think with a bit of work I can keep him from driving. His doctor's know about his condition, he sees two eye doctors but neither have pulled the "don't drive" trigger, They're either too disconnected from the whole picture, or, "jeez, never thought anyone would try to drive in your condition".
In an ideal world, I'd get him to a therapist who could talk some common sense into him, maybe even prescribe meds. As it is, I'm going to have to have the driving conversation with him, something I thought we'd mostly resolved.
Do you know who is doctor is? His eye doctor? Do they know how poor his vision is? Did he pass the vision test when he got his driver license? You might go online and find out how to have your dad called in by the DMV for a vision test. I'd put that as a priority as he could harm himself and other innocent people if he cannot see well.
Do you know if he is making these poor choices due to being stubborn or cognitively damaged? Or is he depressed? Would medication help? Some people just do what they want, regardless, but, others have something mentally that prevents them from being able to use good judgment or reason. Does he have early dementia? Those repeated phone calls sound concerning. Is he OCD or does he forget that he already called earlier? I'd try to figure that out. If it's competent, then, I'd make it clear what your boundaries are and then he can make his own decisions.