I am at my wits' end. I am placing my mother in a memory care ALF on 3/7/2016. She does not know she is going yet. HELP!

So glad to read you are taking care of yourself. Just remember your guilt might not end but you will be able to keep it under control. Breathe deep , talk a walk and smile a bunch!!

Thanks to you all for your support. The doctor placed my mother on Zoloft and Buspar. They have to trick her to get her to take it but it is working great! Everything went well after a few days. I stayed away, the first day was absolutely horrible though. Anne, my doctor has been very concerned lately about my blood pressure and told me I need to get all of this under control or I was going to have a stroke also. It kind of scared me. All is well now though. . Again, thanks to you!

I strongly agree with the one poster who happen to mention that in some cases the person you're trying to trick just won't buy it. There are some people with a little higher capacity and capability because some people still have some smarts despite having a mental decline.

Great advice Anne1017. You are so right about how reasoning doesn't work. Often, a pragmatic, short explanation of how things will be for awhile and until she improves works better. Repeating it over and over may be necessary, since she may forget from minute to minute. Hopefully, the ALF staff will support you on this and provide the answers you give her.

I found that my cousin did much better once she was on meds for anxiety.(Cymbalta. Xanx wasn't very helpful for her.) That made a huge difference. And if she keeps asking when she will leave, explain that the doctor and therapist are monitoring her progress and it shouldn't be too long. Eventually, my cousin forgot all about that. She thinks she is at home in Memory Care.

Keep in mind that your mother is not likely to remember the transition to the ALF, her actions or words about resisting. So, don't let it take a huge toll on you. It can be very stressful as Anne says and actually make you sick. I learned it first hand.

While you do not explain why you have finally come to this decision it must have to do with mom's need and yours. So now you have to find a way to relieve yourself of the guilt. When we had to finally move my MIL from the house I cannot lie....it was not fun. We had to trick her and even then she went ballistic.We tried to make it sound as if we were going out of town for 2 weeks and she was going to stay for a respite. She didn't buy it. While I was staying outside the building my husband was the one who walked her in. She cornered him in the directors office for 20 minutes screaming. I must say that she has always had a great way to make him feel guilty. It was very hard on my husband and so I would say make it quick if you have concerns.I went in after 20 minutes to try to give him the excuse he needed and she came after me. The staff had to finally escort him out...by saying he had to go to the restroom. They guided him through a door which led to the kitchen and out a delivery door. She followed him all the way up to the door! If you think this scenario through and you really believe it could be rough for all then you should prepare now for someone else to deliver her. Is there anyone who can help??? You should try to reach out now while you can. Family, friend, church? They will not carry the guilt like you may after the deed is done.
The definition is own apartment...right? If she thinks that, where does she think it is at the moment you mention it to her? Is she able to comprehend? Are you worried about her leaving? Most facilities like you might be choosing have effective systems of preventing this, although it can cause alarm to the resident.
Will the room be personalized before she gets there with her own things? We were able to do that, but we did not chose to show her around . Again, because she was in a rage and it would not have been productive. This scene is not unusual and the staff should be prepared to help. They may tell you to stay away for awhile. We had to stay away for over 6 weeks. I must state that MIL was not on any meds at all and her family probably should addressed that years before. She would not go to the doctor and even getting a physical for admittance had to be a trick. So unfortunately with her behavior the facility doctor prescribed meds and she was medicated and overmedicated. After a year I moved her to an adult foster home and it was better for all.
I agree...your guardianship papers are a threat to her so why bother frustrating her? And you???
It bothered my husband so much that he dwelled on it ....he wondered if his Dad (deceased)would approve. As I said, his Mom had played a very negative role in the family for years. We had to remove her because she told the police her son was trying to kill her. My husband had a mild stroke 8 months later. While he is fine, his memory and choice of words was affected. It is difficult not to think that she had a part in this health episode of his. Why do I mention this? You are doing what you feel necessary to take care of Mom and you need to take care of yourself and feel good about what you are doing. Keep us posted.

"Explaining" to your mom that you have guardianship is not going to work if she has dementia. Because you have guardianship, you have the ability and the responsibility to determine where she can live safely.

Yes, you can make sure that she's got lots of familiar stuff in her new room--pictures, bedspread, her clothes and the like. You can also ask her doctor for meds to make the transition easier. But ultimately, the fact that you are in charge of your mother's life and well-being is a tough sea-change to go through.

The two people I knew who went to nursing homes were rather unique because they both knew they were going to nursing homes, and they both had dementia. One of them I think put up a little resistance and even panicked from what I was told. They other one had to come to an agreement to go after one too many trips to the ER. I never rode along on any of the trips since it would've been harder for me to get back since I didn't really have a way back, whereas my elderly friend was always brought back by an ambulance service. I just didn't think it would've been right to complicate matters further. I think at some point I probably would've been more burned out than I already was. There was just no point in riding along on any of the squad rides only to worry about how to get back later or even sitting for long hours at the hospital. I just let my friend take care of business until the proper channels finally convinced him to go ahead and move to a nursing home. He did have dementia, but he knew where he was going. The other person I think also knew where he was going though he had dementia as well. He was so used to staying in one spot and didn't want to move despite the house decaying around him. Sometimes people with dementia really do know things, and this is actually a mystery to me despite the fact so many have said that they are often incompetent. I guess it really depends on each person and how they're individually affected by dementia or Alzheimer's

Let your mother think she is going to her own apartment. She is, but it is also an ALF. Your mother will not know the difference. Within a very short time, she will even forget her previous home with you. I don't mean to sound hard, but stop beating yourself about the steps you are taking. You are doing for your mothers good, because she is becoming too hard to care for. If you weren't there for her, she would be in an ALF anyway.
My aunt had to go into a resthome (ALF, although they are not quite the same thing) many years ago now. I assured her if she didn't like it, she didn't have to stay and she could come with me and stay with me. One day turned into 7 days, turned in months and years. My aunt thought she was in a motel for many years. It wasn't being deceitful, it was dealing with a difficult situation. Also, elderly people tend to be diffficult especially with their families. The staff at the ALF will find her a different person. Bear that in mind. All the best with your situation. Arlene Hutcheon

I just moved my mom to the memory care wing of her retirement community last Thursday. It has been challenging to say the least. We did not tell her about the move in advance since it probably would have upset her and she wouldn't have remembered the conversation anyway. We moved her things while she was at an activity and then took her to the new room and told her that there had been a plumbing problem in her apartment and she would need to stay in this new room while it was being repaired. She accepted this for about 15 minutes, and then became angry. The new accommodation in just one room, although it is fairly large and L-shaped, allowing for some separation of the sleeping area and a living area. Still, she does not like that there is not a separate bedroom, and says she is not going to sleep "in the kitchen". There is not a kitchen sink, cabinets or a microwave in the new room, so I don't know what she is thinking. She refers to the new room as a "jail" and demands to leave. She has been started on some new meds (Ativan and an increased dose of Seroquel) in at attempt to calm her down. She had been complaining about her previous apartment for about six months and demanding to move, but now she wants to go back to the old apartment where she says she was happy. My point is, that no matter what you do, she will probably not like it. Sometimes you just need to do whatever is necessary and step back.

You probably don't need to worry about her escaping because memory care facilities are usually secured. Introduce yourself to the staff and stay in contact with them. Ask them if you should visit frequently or stay away for a few days or weeks to allow her to adjust. I have a friend who's mother is in the same facility as my mother and she visits every day with no problems. My mother gets upset when I am there and demands that I take her with me when I leave, so I will only visit once each week for a few weeks until she (hopefully) adjusts. Don't hesitate to use whatever 'therapeutic fibs" work for your mom. If she does not like the accommodations, you might tell her that this is a "trial" apartment and if she does well you will move her to a larger place. Encourage her to participate in the activities.

Have you thought of maybe going to court and getting a court order to support your decision to put your mom into a memory care facility? If not, maybe you might want to look into this. If you get a court order, you can try getting professional help out to your house such as EMTs. They can help with removing her from the house and safely transporting her to the facility. This is probably going to be about your best bet because EMTs are specifically trained to know how to handle multiple types of situations. This is probably going to be about your best bet because EMTs are specifically trained to know how to handle multiple types of situations.

Another alternative to a facility is the possibility of home health care that specializes in the care of those with declining mental health. I don't know if you looked into this as a possibility, but this is another option.

In a way it is her own apt. My cousin is in Memory Care and she believes that she has her own apt and that she works in the medical office there on the premises. (They let her wheel in and color while they do paperwork.) She seems to have no idea of the home she came from.

She IS going to her own apartment. Her own maid, her own fine dining, activities, bus trips. Like going on a cruise. Tell her she is going on a cruise.

Were you awarded guardianship by the court? If so, I would make certain that information, the court orders provided and all the details are worked out with the ALF in advance. I would discuss the details and have plans for various scenarios.

You can explain to her in a positive manner that she will be staying at the ALF to build her strength and work on her health, but what happens when you leave? I would focus on how the facility will handle her resistance. I would see how they handle people who are there deemed incompetent. What happens if she tries to walk or wheel herself out? What if she calls a cab or tries to get in the car with a stranger? I'd figure that out now, so you and the facility are prepared.

Do you know if she needs a Secure facility? I would discuss that in detail and have one lined up in case she does start wandering.

You are protecting your mother and placing her somewhere she can get the help she needs. I don't see why you would feel guilty. Once she is settled and is having her needs met, I would be so proud of that accomplishment. It's extremely stressful and requires an enormous amount of time, effort and work to have a resistant dementia patient placed. I feel like it took years off my life. Try to take care of yourself. I suffered health wise afterwards. The stress can really harm you in ways you never expected. There is light at the end though. Eventually, you can take a deep breath and relax. Just try to get through the first couple of days. I'd discuss whether you should visit for awhile with the ALF. Some have recommendations. I think that staying away for a week or two, so that she can adjust is a good idea. It depends on the person.