I am a Power of Attorney and Executrix to someone for many years and have known him for 2/3 of my life. He has Aspergers and Attention Deficit. He is very intelligent but totally lacking social skills, empathy and just simple common sense and is very easily swayed by influences from people who are just acquaintances or strangers - to the detriment of his quality of life and the impact his unethical and sneaky actions have on other people. It is very difficult to reason with him.
About four years ago, he decided to change his will which was fine - no problem - as circumstances had completely changed. Well, he never said a word to me that he felt he had made some mistakes as to what was in the new will and so went to an attorney and told the attorney he felt he had been "forced and manipulated" (that never, ever happened - I always told him he makes the final decisions and my job is to carry them out and I will) and so he wanted a new will and a new person to administer his estate. I never had any idea of this action until about seven months after the fact. There is and never was a problem with what he wanted to put into the will - that is his right. But he went behind my back and got in touch with a man I feel would be a very foolish choice of a person (whom he barely knows) to administer his estate. When I found out his sneakiness, I felt very violated as I have proven time and time again to everyone I have very high ethics and morals and would most certainly carry out the will to the letter of the law. So I questioned him and asked if I was still in the picture or if I had been removed to handle his estate. He refuses to answer and is constantly seeking "input" from strangers.
In the meantime, I have no idea what, if any role, I have in his future and I feel I have a right to know where I stand legally. If he wants someone else, fine, but be honest and tell me. I told him if I am to remain in the picture, he has to re-establish the relationship since he violated my trust; he has to be open and honest and always speak the truth; and he had to promise never to go behind my back again. (He swore over and over again he would be open and honest but then he lies and does bad things.) He ignores everything that I ask in terms of getting an answer and I am left in limbo. I was advised under no circumstances to contact him - just do my POA job as always and wait to see what happens if I am or am not going to administer the estate. I am so furious at his actions because I have gone to the ends of the earth over and over again to care for him in every way possible - he knows it and everyone else does too and feels he should be extremely glad he has someone who cares and who is totally honest. And this is what he does to me - who does not deserve it. There is no family and I am his only friend. All the others ran long ago. Does anyone have any thoughts or comments?
If you are POA for both, but they are living separately, could your job be considered a conflict of interest?
Are you residing in the same AL as your friend?
Do you know who this new executor of his will is? Can you find out more?
There is always someone looking in from the outside, thinking they are rescuing a person with Aspergers, and loyalty to their wife, primary caregiver, or POA is lost under the new stranger's interference. It is another characteristic of Aspergers to be easily influenced. Additionally, I can say that he might not have a clue as to how he hurt your feelings.
As POA, you need to not take his actions personally, and protect his ( or husband and wife's) finances from this stranger. Or, if you are unable, find someone who can.
I have doubts that most with Aspergers' s at age 85 living in AL has full capacity.
Someone wrote on here about competency, and said as soon as a person is diagnosed with dementia, they are not competent to handle their own affairs. I do not know if that is true. However, Aspergers' s is another condition where a person needs helps to make decisions, imo.
#1 The hurt at being not informed.
#2 Continuing as POA in this situation.
Unless there are serious concerns regarding capacity (& it is contested) he is an adult & allowed to make good or bad decisions - as he chooses. For sure, bad decisions are hard to watch & disregarding your long association is very hurtful.
"just do my POA job as always" Do you currently have tasks you are doing? (Not just inactive just in case? If so, it does sound like you may wish to consider if that is practical going forward.
Would it be useful to write him a letter? Stating you had his best wishes in mind & wishing him the best for his future.
If he is allowing you to continue as POA, and handle his finances, can you continue doing that? Or, would you want to?
What you describe, Aspergers and ADHD, seeking advice from outsiders, or better yet, what GardenArtist describes: "Furtive moves, failure to communicate, and withholding information" are characteristic of Aspergers. He may have always been this way, but in his elderly years, needs a wider support system set up.
I also agree that you may no longer even be proxy under his POA. Know that you did a good job while it lasted, but it's time for whoever he chose to take over.
I would tell this young man that you feel that you have somewhat, for whatever reason, lost his trust. I wouldn't argue it, but would simply say that I did not wish to serve as his POA anymore, and would ask him if there is someone who can assist him with his affairs. It doesn't sound as though he is incompetent? He has not been diagnosed as such I think? So I would ask him to assign another as POA, and I think just to be safe I would go to a lawyer and would ask for assistance in resigning as his POA. This is a difficult and thankless job to do for someone, and under these circumstances, also quite impossible by the sounds of it.
Are you currently DPOA meaning that if something happens you would assume duties? Or are you CURRENTLY doing duties as POA for him in terms of paying bills, keeping financial records. When someone isn't mentally competent I am not sure how you even manage to do this at all unless you are acting virtually as a guardian.
Wishing you good luck and hope you will update us if you find any solutions. For me Prime Imperative now is protecting yourself from a gentleman who is a bit irratic at best.
The OP is 85 years old, living in assisted living.