I’m in a bit of a quandary tonight. Mom (a young 90) and dad (93 with advanced Alzheimer’s) have been with us for 14 months. We have always held out that they need to be in assisted living/memory care because we work full time and Mom is exhausted caring for Dad. We finally have a placement available in a lovely facility that can provide independent living for Mom and intensive assisted living for Dad in the same unit. Mom does not want to go, and Dad is comfortable where he is, here at home with us. They are very well off financially, and I can retire now with full benefits. They could back fill my salary for the next 5 years (until I had planned to retire) if I retired to care for them full time. This past year has been so difficult trying to balance work and elder care. I’ve got 35 years in and could walk away tomorrow, even though I’m only 57. Thoughts as I consider retiring to care for them in their final chapters?
Then my mother’s only brother was also diagnosed with AD (their mother suffered from it for many years and finally died from it). Then my mother’s maternal aunt (the youngest of her mother’s siblings) ended up in the same facility as my folks, also with AD. My education quickly began to include prevention measures given this seemingly strong genetic link.
I quickly realized I needed to go back to work. Supporting the parts of my parents’ care that were not covered by insurance/Medicare was becoming a source of stress, as financially it limited my ability to visit, and their care was quickly becoming my world. I was disengaged, not mentally stimulated, stressed out over finances, depressed and not coping well in terms of diet and exercise (sounds like early motherhood, except, in most cases, you have a sense of hope that things will improve as your baby grows). This, along with genetics made a perfect recipe for me ending up exactly like my folks.
I am now back to working full time and I have no plans to retire this time until/unless I become physically, mentally, or emotionally unable to work. Being at work has also helped me build better boundaries with my folks and rely on the facility in a more healthy way. I know this is what the parents who raised me would want for me, and I am a better daughter, wife, aunt, and person for it. As I said, this was my decision and may not be the best for you. I only tell you this in hopes of providing more food for thought. Wishing you clarity and peace as you navigate the road ahead.
so are they financially well off with at least 800k+? 1M+? More?
If not, then they will likely outlive their $. I’ve been on this site now for years and over & over folks think their parents will have enough $ only to find that the costs of care are horrendously expensive.
If they live long enough, their needs will get beyond your ability & they will run out of assets so the requirements for Medicaid eligibility need to be a consideration. Plus caregiver burnout is a very real thing.
The costs of private pay NH could easily run 8k -15k a mo each. NH avg stay is 2.5 years so 240k-450k each.
In-home care seems to average $20 hr. So 2Ok a year part time for each; 40k paid to you via a legally drawn up caregiver agreement with taxes & FICA done. If by “backfill” you mean your folks match your current salary, that could pose a problem if they outlive their $ and they end up applying for Medicaid.
Really you as their dpoa need to pull together exactly what their financials are and take them with you to meet with an elder law atty. I’d suggest you get with one that is NAELA or CELA level of experience as their situation is more an estate planning if they truly have significant assets.
ALSO really where is your husbands input in all this?
Does he share your view of his own late 50’s & 60’s as having your parents living with you both and your life as a couple revolving around being 24/7 oversight and caregiver to your parents?
As selfish as it sounds, I should’ve kept my job/friends it’s important to your own mental health. Nothing will change the trajectory of these diseases.
I kept her home far longer than I should through numerous falls with little to no outside help - it took a huge toll on me - I tried to bring in caregivers for 12 hours a day while I worked but she did not cope well with strangers in the house - ran outside and fell - caregivers too are not reliable and will leave in the middle of a shift
nearly 3 years ago, I placed mom in a "nice private pay memory care facility" straight from the hospital following a fall - it has been an incredibly difficult journey as well and we are nearing the depletion of financial resources as it has been necessary to have private caregivers with her in the facility
set expectations realistically for both yourself and your parents - assume the cost of the facility is double of what you think going in and you'll need 10 years of care and if their resources can cover it then that should make the decision easier
if you keep them at home, is the situation set up for advanced care needs - think wheelchair access and use of the bathroom and shower
my mom went from being able to stand and walk a few feet to being immobile in a couple of days
is your dad exhibiting any behavior issues - wandering, sleep disorders or aggressive actions - these are often the reason families place loved ones in a facility
There is no right answer and cost and quality of care depends a lot on where you are located but if you can make a decision before you are in a crisis or medical emergency then your road should be easier than most
You could also think about ‘post deal breaker’. If the situation deteriorates quickly and they go into a nursing home at $5000 a month each, how does this work with the finances? And will you miss your work if you take quite an early retirement, and then end up living on your own? I am sure that you could find other worthwhile things to do, but if you are really committed to what you do now, you could regret an early retirement that turned out not to be necessary.
This may be the last thing on your mind, but demographics today mean that a 57 year old man (I guess you are male) with his finances in order is a highly attractive marriage proposition. How could a relationship in three or four years' time alter things?
These are all fairly negative ‘what if’s’. Living together might be a good idea that works well for you, your mother and your father. However thinking about the down side is the best insurance for not regretting things that are hard to change later. Doing it should make you more confident about your decision, whichever way it goes. Best wishes.