Horrible abusive parent finally dies; how to talk to the distant relatives?
I had one of those horrible female biological parents. Lots of abuse of me and animal abuse, and she took bad care of my dad for 5 years until he died. My sainted grandmother tried to keep me safe by keeping me, but that couldn't last forever and that's when the abuse started, when I moved back with mthr right before my father died. (For those of you who don't know, I spell her name mthr because she was missing something important inside). I rescued her from her hoard, had her cancer cured, and placed her in a home close by where she was well taken care of.
Evil mthr died in the recent past, and I've waited until the legal coast was clear so those who financially abused mthr would not jump in (those vultures that I felt were circling in a previous post). I called her cousin that found me on FB at Christmas and she previously gave me her brother's phone # who had been close to mthr. He had not answered any Christmas cards from me in years, and I'm suspicious they stopped when I mentioned mthr's abuse in a letter, but I can't remember exactly. The cousin said that she would not tell her brother so I could. I left a VM yesterday.
On the phone with the girl cousin, I played the sweet bereaved daughter role. No point in bursting their bubble from 1960, or so I thought. What I did find out is that mthr had been a twit as a youngster and that she had given her parents trouble (not in the running around kind, in the arguing constantly kind). I left a VM for her brother who mthr was closer to in age and interests. But - I had a rough night. I feel like I was not honest with myself. I ground my teeth last night for the first time since mthr died.
I'd like to have extended family for once - this is part of the family that she kept me isolated from, so they would not know her secrets. Do I message female cousin on FB and tell her I'm just not up to telling male cousin, that she is welcome to? He has my message that I wanted to catch up; but his sister is expecting me to tell him about mthr's death. Do I tell them about her abuse? Or do I just continue to agree with their cheerful assessment of her personality?
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I don't even need their acknowledgement of mthr being a bad person. I just felt like I was too agreeable with the cousin's positive assessment of her. Last night I also friended the youngest cousin, who did not even know I existed. No reason to even mention mthr to him.
I'm not concerned about telling the people in her home town. I've said nothing to them in years... I sent Christmas cards/notes for 3 years and when there was no response, cut them from the list. I think I'll place a very short obit if that's even needed. What do you all think about a very plain obit with a scholarship fund & child protective services as suggested memorials?
Such a relief to have that convo over. Now for that obit!
The truth is that no one can tell you how to feel. If they disapprove of you for telling your truth, they are not folks you want to hang out with. I hope can find some peace. (((((Hugs))))))).
I'm afraid of loosing these new family connections... I actually remember going to this cousin's wedding but all I remember is a distant view of her in her dress in front of the church. I don't know that mthr actually appeared at the wedding. Cousin said she'd looked at her wedding pictures and didn't find us in them, which further boosts my suspicion that mthr did not actually join the festivities. But I think you are right about listening. I did lots of agreeing and mmm-hmming.
My mom was the youngest child by many years in her family. I have a much older cousin who has been really helpful in articulating ways in which family tales have been relayed to me because my mother experienced stuff through the lens of a small child, while my cousin's mom, 12 years older saw them with a more mature eye. I understand a lot more about my mom's issues having heard some of this stuff.
As to your tsk tsk-er, I think at least in some families, there is more acknowledgement of how much damage a parent can do these days. Maybe not in yours. But I would make sure that these new relatives are a "safe space" before you open up to them.
Unfortunately people really don't care about the abuse you suffered at someone's hands. So I would change the subject and try to have a relationship that doesn't include your mthr or her memory. Maybe say something glib, like I am glad for you that you had that kind of relationship with her and change the subject.
Great big warm hug! This situation just sucks from the word go.
So at this reunion, a classmate came up to me, having overheard what I was saying about Mrs. G. She said to me, Barbara I hear that that was YOUR experience of Mrs. G. But when I transferred into this school in the 5th grade, woefully behind because I had been attending an inferior school, she stayed behind EVERY DAY for an entire school year and tutored me until I caught up to the rest of you. THAT was her commitment to education.
I was floored. There were several other people in my class who had the same perception of abuse from this woman, but apparently there was another side to her.
People are complicated. Some of us who have/had parents who aren't able to bond with us, who are mentally ill, or who suffered trauma themselves that they were not able to overcome. God knows that there was a dearth of understanding of this sort of disorder 50 years ago.
The truth is that some people can be kind and generous to some but not to all. It's not the fault of the person on the receiving end of the lack of kindness. There is something off in the wiring of the person who can't empathize with the recipient.
Release her.
Let her go. She did not have anything of value to give you. She was unable. To complicate that grief with lies to family you don't even know seems to me asking for more trouble. Go on with friends and your own family who is quality and your own life. You owe them nothing. Had they wanted to know about her DEATH they should have been present in her LIFE and in your own. I doubt these people have a thing to give you but their judgement?
Do you need that? Because to my mind you have been through quite enough, thank you. Now put her to rest and let her go. It is time. I am so sorry for all you have gone through, but my sorriness nor anyone elses amount to a thing that can help you.
Hugs to you. Go on. Make this world the BETTER every day that you are in it, so that no one has to consider what decent things they can find to say about you when you are gone.
Surprise, I just lost my bro. He was one of the kindest most decent and gentlest people I ever knew. And we, he and I were lucky to have the kindest most decent people ever as our parents. I would that it could have been the same for all. Between us all we have rescued and cared for likely 100s and 100s of animals. You note is heart wrenching to me. Try now to just live in love.
I can imagine a great weight has been lifted.
When my abusive mother died I sent a mass email to the cousins and a few others who had kept contact. There was some response, but little follow up. I was part of the lack of follow up as I couldn't see my way to denying the realities of my mother's lifelong illness and the effects it had on me. When carefully "speaking (a small amount of) my truth" hit a brick wall, I chose not to pursue the relationship.
I think you have fulfilled your obligation to your cousins. You left a VM. He can follow up if he wants to. If he chooses not to, I don't think there is much hope of a relationship.
It would be nice to have a supportive expended family. In my experience, those that still thought my mother was wonderful when she passed kept that illusion. The ones who had some idea of what she was really like figured that out years ago. I carefully shared with a few extended family over the years with about 50% success. On that basis I gave up the idea of a supportive extended family, I have fb contact with a few relatives, though I have friends who are closer.
I don't think it is good to lie about your mother, but neither is it good to share everything with all. I would say, for your own good, tread carefully in what you reveal, and lower your expectations on your extended family. Sometimes a non answer or a facial expression can convey more than words.
When people enthused about mother, I chose to 1) not answer and keep a straight face, 2) say something non committal like "That's nice", 3) answer something like - "She had those strengths/good qualities". You get the drift. I could not be untrue to my experience.
Thinking of you and the things of the past that cling and affect the present.