I've been taking care of my mother, with pretty advanced dementia, for 2 1/2 years now. My husband is supportive but at 68 he wants his life back. This has been a bad year. My beloved dog died only 2 months after being diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and my husband just received a diagnosis of lung cancer. I don't know what our future holds but I am going into this burned out. I am turning 65 next month and I don't understand why her life is worth more than mine. How does a person get through ?
Unfortunately, your situation has come to the point where you need to make a difficult choice, your mother or your husband. He is ill and has expressed his wish that he be allowed to fight this battle in peace. Dementia is an awful disease. There’s no reverse gear. He may simply just be tired of dealing with it. There is no shame or guilt in admitting its time to consider a facility for your mom. You’ve put in your time. Be there for your husband and help him win this battle.
If Mum is not in a care facility, now is the time. No ifs and or buts. If it were hit by a bus, she would be in care. If she is in a care facility, let the staff do their job.
Now your husband, he has a big challenge ahead of him and he will need you love and support. Is there any way the two of you can go for a short holiday before he starts treatment? Even a 2 night get away to reaffirm your commitment to each other?
You need to schedule cruxx time. You need to plan time each week, hopefully more than once a week, where you do something you enjoy. Hopefully you can reconnect with friends, as you will need their support as your hubby goes through treatment.
You and your hubby need to make a plan for housework, lawn/garden care, snow removal, seasonal chores, car maintenance, that he usually does. One so it is not an extra chore for you during his treatment, and 2 because you need to have a list of everything in case he does not make it. Not trying to scare you, but you best be prepared.
It is time to make sure your affairs are in order, update your Wills, POA etc.
Sending you both hugs and prayers.
Cruxx, you really should place mom in a AL or somewhere, because the "what ifs" will and can drive you insane. Do it now while you have a chance.
Candace A.Stewart has a great pamphlet called “welcome to planet Alzheimer’s”
Great info packed into a few pages.
Here's 10 rules while on planet Alzheimers.
1. Never argue
2. Logic and Reason do not exist
3. Lying is acceptable
4. You are not who you think you are, you are who they think you are
5. Never take anything personal
6. Old memories are best
7. Learning to do something new is not important
8. Being loved and accepted at all times is
9. Have NO expectations
10. Take advantage of the shuttle back to earth as often as possible.
The road to come is an absurd place.
Take care of yourselves. Do something you enjoy.
Spend fun time together, even if it's day trips once per week or so or a candlelit dinner on your patio or deck if you have one. If you like the outdoors, spend time doing that. Whatever you two like to do together, plan often what you can or go off on the fly as you have time. You need to be there for your hubby and help him through these times while enjoying time together.
Tomorrow is never promised, no matter how old we are. A diagnosis magnifies the fact of how short life is. ((Hugs)) to you!
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