If anyone has personal experience with their elder parents (my Dad and Mom, 79 and 76), I would appreciate any suggestions you may have in how to best help them! My Dad has always worked hard and my Mom always supported him in all ways. My Dad lost his business 20 years ago and went through a lot of changes, including high depression, prostate cancer, losing another business, their home, and now having to care for my Mom 24/7. However in the last year, he has shown himself inept at her care. I lived with them for the past 5 years of all this and it has become clear that he is overwhelmed, grieving, and angry at me and my siblings for helping her move away from him. He threatened to report us to the police and we ended up giving her back but things have increasingly gotten worse for my Mom. For almost a year now, I've been living close by but not with them anymore. My Dad's control over her has been horrendous, he has medical power of attorney of her and keeps her medicated in an attempt to maintain her anxiety level. Recently, though, she is refusing to take even these. Now for the past week he's involving his new renter and the police, asking them to come in and force her to take the medications. In the last year, I haven't seen her for more than an hour at a time, and never without my Dad's presence. I've been so worried this past week as he's begun correspondencia by end-all again and completely isolating Mom from us, especially me and my sisters. He hasn't allowed any phone calls or visits in this last week and I'm so worried that he'll put her in a home, hidden from us, or worse that she'll die without any of us around to let her know that we love her!
You might want to check that out as it might be a temporary alternative to calling 911. And ask them directly how to handle these kinds of incidents in the future.
you are in a very difficult situation, I will pray for you and your family. Take care of your mom. Everyone who has responded to your question has given you great advice, reach out to APS. Don't give up, you have your siblings to support you and help you with your concerns, APS will listen.
Good luck and lots of blessings.
Therefore, he makes decisions not based on reality, such as calling the police to get your mom to take her meds.
If you decide to contact what we call in WA state, Adult Protective Services, they may be overwhelmed with too many requests for assistance. You need to ask if they think they can get to your mom.
If I were you I would contact the Bar Association for your district to get a list of
elder law attorneys in your region. Call one or two and explain as simply as possible what your concerns are. A decent attorney will give you a short consult over the phone. Elder law attorneys are well versed in what needs to happen in specific cases.
I would even make an appointment with such an attorney who can help you through a short-term counseling session. Be sure to take a notebook and pen to take notes. The attorney should not pressure you but should show expertise and be able to also refer you to resources.
Good luck!
But I don't understand something you wrote, that "he's begun correspondencia by end-all again". Could you explain?
I'm wondering if your father has shown controlling and domineering personality traits throughout his life? He has had some business setbacks and that could affect his own outlook of himself, make him angry and defensive that he wasn't as good a financial provider as he used to be, and channeling his anger at your mother and you.
I would also speak with the local police department - in a face to face visit with the Chief of another higher-up and let them know my szerious concerns for my mother's safety. Police are now well-informed about domestic abusive situations and controlling behaviors, and should appreciate your giving them this information - to avoid potential criminal abuse.
Finally, it' sounds like your father needs a neurological assessment himself.
Wishing you strength and courage as you handle this difficult situation!
If dad is preventing mom from going to the doctor, you can call Adult Protection and report a possible case of elder abuse. They have to investigate and keep your name anonymous. (I did this to my mother when she became unsafe alone.)
You need to write a letter to her doctor to let them know what's going on in that house.
It sounds like your dad needs help too. He is no longer handling it all with grace. Men that age will NOT admit they need help of any kind. This is the generation that created the "I will not ask for directions" stereotype. This can lead to a dangerous situation when they are not basing their abilities in reality anymore just to prove a stupid point to the world.
He is not going to listen to one thing daughters have to say. Especially if he feels challenged by it. My feeling is that nobody's ego is so valuable that another person needs to be sacrificed to protect it.
I hope this renter knows to keep the ___ out of it to avoid any personal liability for contributing to elder abuse.What a pickle to be in. That person could have the snot sued out of them for administering medication to her based on dad's demands and not doctor's orders.
Contact your local agency on aging to request an in-home assessment. Also eldercare.gov is a resource to get a plan going. You & your sisters need to present a united front to crack this.
If they have a pastor/clergy, I would consult with that person and see if they can help by doing a drop-in visit. The police can also be called to do a welfare-check on anyone you suspect is in danger or not being treated well, domestic, or elder abuse.
If there are neighbors or friends of your mom who can do unannounced drop--ins, that can give you a source of eye/ears/noses.
You can take dad to court to challenge his competency as a POA, but this will involve attorneys. You can petition for guardianship, which will force him to be evaluated.
If you think for a minute that he is yelling at her, not bathing or changing her, not feeding her, withholding medical care, and is unable to properly administer medication, you have every right to request a social services visit. But like I said before, it needs to be in the form of a vulnerable adult/possible abuse situation report. I would keep family politics and hurt feelings out of it completely. Just report the facts as you know them and say that you believe it's urgent because he won't let her talk on the phone.
Dad can't refuse to let APS in to evaluate. They will have the Sheriff bust down the door if they have to. (Ask me how I know....)
If you can be there, all the better. Dad doesn't ever need to know one of you reported him. Just say they called you at work to get involved. Then you get to be ticked off at him! Take pictures of everything. Video your mom. Video your dad, but be discreet about it. Check mom for pressure sores on her back/butt/legs/feet. Check her all over for bruises - not necessarily from being hit, but from being in one spot for a long time. Is she clean? Are her clothes clean? Get a record of the state of the house, her bed, the toilets, the fridge, the laundry. Document, document, document.
OR you could be sneaky and one of you take dad on vacation, and the others take mom and place her back in care "temporarily".
Then Dad has got to be seen by a geriatric specialist who can make sure everything is OK with him. If his anger has skyrocketed it could be due to lots of things, but the doctor needs to check him out and not blow your concerns off.
I had a family member whose husband was like this. At the end of her battle with cancer, he refused to let hospice in to bathe her or anything. He said he was doing it all himself, but there was no way this joker could have handled it. He wouldn't let her sisters in to visit unless he was in the room every moment. This is a form of abuse and control, so don't diminish it. Long story short, she was dead soon after. His story just did not add up at all, but the police didn't investigate because she was old and had a terminal disease anyway. This was infuriating to think that he hastened and may have caused her death due to negligence. He was not an over stressed man with other problems greater than his ability to deal with, but when a vulnerable person is isolated and alienated from help, that is never a good sign. Go with your gut.