Help! I am at my wits end and my health is suffering from it. I am 46 years old. Between the little sister and myself we have been taking care of Dad since 1992 when my mom passed. Dad was young then and still worked but didn't date and we cleaned house and cooked for him, etc. Fast forward to 2019..he is 77 has COPD/Emphysema, mobility issues, 3 Aortic Aneurysms, and a multitude of other issues. He currently lives with me. We fight constantly. He does nothing really for himself. I cook all his meals, do his laundry, take him everywhere, clean up after him, clip his toenails, balance his checkbook. I am his maid, his nurse, his receptionist, his taxi.. I literally do all for him except well go to the bathroom for him. I know I sound harsh but I am done! He constantly calls me a "B" and expects me to not let it bother me. Did I mention I also hold down a full time job? I feel like my life has become a prison sentence with work release. I recently asked my dad to think about moving into a home and his response to me was "it will be a cold day in hell when I give up my life for any of yours". I asked him to please clean up his dishes off the table and put them in the sink..his reponse was "I enjoy watching you clean up after me besides my picking up my dishes constitutes me cleaning your house and I won't do it". HELP! I have to take antidepressants just to keep from crying all the time. How can I get my dad to understand? Is there somewhere he can live that would be considered an apartment not a nursing home? He has two dogs that I also take care of and he won't give up so that puts a damper on a lot of things. HELP! I am going to lose my mind...he gets mad if I don't stay at home to keep him company or I am gone too long. Recently needed to get a second job to make ends meet and was accused of taking it only because I didn't want to take care of him. Help.. I am desperate.
-Why did you begin cleaning house and doing everything for a man who was 50 years old and capable of getting himself to/from work, ability to get his own lunch during the workday, put gas in the car to get to work, etc? Probably because you felt bad for him after wife died, but YOU took it to the extreme and made him become totally dependent on you. At 50 and employable, he could have cooked supper and cleaned his own house. Not to mention, it may have gotten him out of the house to socialize with others and perhaps found another wife.
-Was he verbally abusive to his wife? And to his family prior to your mom passing away? Did his wife wait on him hand and foot and take the abusive words? Were his parents hard to get along with? It may be he has not changed at all. There is a good chance you putting yourself in the role of being a whipping post was a learned behavior that you grew up with.
-Go see a psychiatrist to help get you a plan on how to reverse your own participation in his meanness. It may involve getting adult protective involved to force his hand if it means moving him to an apartment (if he can live independently with current health issues) or to an assisted living facility. It may involve him using his own income (he should have social security and possibly retirement income) to pay for in-home care if moving him is not something you can do.
-If you had to take a second job, is it because of your own bills or to pay for things for him. Is he contributing any money from his income? If not, that needs to be addressed immediately. He needs to understand that his money needs to be used to pay for his needs. Again, a psychiatrist can help you create the plan to unravel what you started many, many years ago.
There are plenty of Senior retirement apartments(55+) out there. Assited and non assisted however they are not cheap. Look under Assisted living or retirement communities in your area.
Another option could be a Male in home care provider. Your father might not tend to be so nasty with a Male stranger. They are trained to deal with extreme cases. They run around $20 an hour.
Your fathers words and attitude sound flat out abusive. Has he always been this way, prior to your mothers passing?
Is it possible to get him into a physician for a physical? UTI's often cause extreme behaviors in people. Might not be the problem but worth checking. You Can get UTI kit at pharmacy if you think he will self test.
Every county has a office on ageing. They may have suggestions for you(housing options etc.) You might want to discuss how to turn him over as a ward to the state.
I would also speak to an Elder Care attorney. Consultation should be free. See what your legal options are.
Next, you need to be taking more care of you. Tell him the nastier he gets the longer you will stay away getting a massage, pedicure, library whatever. He might verbally abuse when b you get back but remind him why you were gone. See a counselor, support group etc.
I know these aren't quick fix answers but at least maybe will give you some hope.
You’ve got to tell him (!kindly but with absolute firmness) that the situation has to change immediately.
He must go where he can get care, because you can’t bear this burden any longer. PERIOD. EXCLAMATION
POINT!
I won’t belabor my point; everyone who’s been where you are would recognize that you’ve pretty much reached the breaking point. I wish you the strength & courage to take charge...
Your father cannot take advantage of you without your agreement. The help you are looking for can only come from you.
First step: learn to say no.
Step 2: don't clean up after him
Step 3: don't take him anywhere
Step 4: don't talk to him
Step 5: since he's capable of back talking you, he's also capable of taking care of himself. His dogs can be put in a doggie day care and he can pay for it. The next time he calls you the "b" word, call him an old bastard since he seems to like using that kind of language. Make things so uncomfortable for him that he'll have to leave. And stick to your guns. Two can play games like that and he needs a taste of his own medicine at this stage of his life. Pride goes before the fall. ;-)
Don't cook for him? Ok, he can figure out how to get a sandwich
Don't clean? Someone willingly started this on her own when he was only 50 and employable. If she doesn't clean up after him daily, she's going to have a huge mess by the end of the week.
Don't take him anywhere - that was good 27 yrs ago when he was working anf fully capable of caring for himself, but she put herself in the role of caring for him when he really didn't need it. With current health problems, it's possible he really has to have a driver now. I wouldn't take him any where other than doctor or medical appointments, but you probably cannot cut out all driving at this point.
Name calling is only going to exacerbate the abusive dynamics in this family. And just because he can talk nasty certainly doesn't mean he can take care of himself with current health issues.
This situation needs professional help for the caregiver. She needs someone to help her learn how to change her role in this relationship.
Maybe if you made a plan that your comfortable with, take it one step at a time.
I like to make lists.
You know his financial information. Now find places where he can live. Determine if he may need government assistance. Read about the qualifications. If he qualifies get the paperwork done as much as possible. Don’t tell your dad anything, it will only cause fights. Just get everything in place and there will come the moment when your dad will be out of your house for a Dr. appointment or if he’s in the hospital even better and when it comes time to take him home, instead he’s taken to his new living location.
I did this for my self with my mom. For a year she was mad and uncooperative. Fast forward 6 years. She accepts this where she needs to be.
By doing everything for him you enabled him. Enabling is disabling. He has learned helplessness and, in the process, has become a mean, angry, abusive old man.
I recognize that you don't have a lot of free time but only you can help yourself and initiate the changes that need to happen. Start looking for senior housing that's within his budget. You may need to look within a 50-mile radius or further in order to find one. On your own or with a trusted friend, start touring some places. Make a *short* list of the ones that meet his needs, schedule a tour, and take him to visit them. Then it's time to stand up to your father and ***tell him*** he is moving into his own place.
If he lands in the hospital while you're working on getting him moved out of your home and into a community for seniors, be clear with the discharge planner that he cannot be safely discharged to home and he needs to be placed in a care facility. Stand firm.
My intention here is not to be cruel like him. Just woman to woman who also has a controlling selfish bitter old dad.
“We fight constantly.” Why? Because you want him to do something that he has no plans of ever doing. And why should he? He knows you’ll do it. He has control over you. You ARE his slave and he gets off on his power over you. It will only get better when YOU take control of your own life.
He derives pleasure by degrading you verbally by calling you a b*tch. Why do you let him demean you that way? Do you have ANY self esteem left or has he whipped it all out of you? He believes he’s the king and everybody should bow down to him. Well what about you?
Obviously you don’t believe in yourself or you would have kicked him out a long time ago.
You need the assistance of a therapist to first sort out your feelings, then process and deal with them, then start the long process to build self esteem and self love. When you get to that point, you won’t bother “trying to convince him”. Your desires are what matters and you will take steps to get him out of your home. You do not owe him an explanation nor should you apologize. After therapy you will have a backbone and will not have any GUILT in living your life. It doesn’t matter what he thinks or says.
Would you let him treat your daughter this way? Would you treat anybody this way? You need to see that this is improper behavior. He has a mental disorder but doesn’t realize it. Do not take what he says to heart. Believe in yourself. Do what is best for you because he doesn’t give a damn about you.
You will not convince your dad of anything. He will not change.
It is only within your "locus of control" to change your reaction to this untenable situation.
Do you rent or own? You can move. "Dad, I'm not renewing the lease. I'll be moving in a month's time without you."
You can stop cooking and cleaning for him.
You can start eviction proceedings.
You can call the Area Agency ON Aging and get a needs assessment and tell them that you will be "moving on" and will no longer be available to care for him.
Can you do this? Only you know the answer to that. Do you have a therapist? It sounds like you are in need of one to help you resolve this situation before you sacrifice anymore of your life to this b@st@rd.
He said it himself; its "your" house. Take back the power.
But to be blunt, if you were a person with a standard concept of what constitutes "enough" you wouldn't be in this situation. You and your sister would have passed that point over a decade ago.
So: you were 19, your sister younger when you sadly lost your mother. Looking after your father began then - were you compensating? - and snowballed, and your sister got away but you didn't.
I think you're going to need more direct help than you can get from a forum. You'll have to work with someone who can really see into how your situation developed and what habits of thinking you have to break. Have you ever tried anything like that?
As far as your father goes, it actually isn't a problem because it is your decision. You move, you leave, you evict him, whatever. It'll be you who acts. But the *difficulty* is going to be permitting yourself to do that, and I can't see you doing it alone. Can you?
He would do better in independent living or assisted living with other seniors. Get him gone!
He sounds so much like my Dad. Even the health problems. He felt it was everyones job to wait on him. I bet ur Mom waited on him hand and foot. In hindsight, you should have set boundries as you went along. My response when my MIL felt I should have done something for my DH "He is a big boy". My husband runs a vacuum, cleans up after himself, washes his own clothes. I worked days, he worked nights. While I worked, he stripped beds, washed the sheets, dried and put them back on the bed. He washed everything but my clothes. This I would not allow.
You now have a monster. Not sure how you are going to solve this problem. My Dad died at 79 with most of the problems u list. Up to then, he felt it was Moms duty to wait on him still. She asked him one time "when do I get to retire"? His response "Never". At that time Dad had been on disability for 25 yrs.
Dad must get SS. Start looking for Senior Apartments that are run by HUDD. The one where I live is very nice. Lets say he gets 1000 a month. They take a third for his rent. The rest is his for food, electric and cable. They may even supply transportation to take him shopping and to appts. Get him on the list now. Some have a waiting list. He can sign up for foodstamps. Does he have secondary health insurance? If its not Medicaid, check it out. He then will get insurance, vision, dental and prescriptions. They have transportation services too. He may qualify for homecare. They go by his income, not yours.
Call your Office of Aging and see what resources they provide.
I really don't think you are going to change him now. But, you deserve respect in ur home. Don't be at his beck and call. Use the second job as an accuse not to do as much for him. Like, sorry I am just too tired. When he said that you took the second job so you didn't have to take care of him u should have told him he was right. Better than having to take his verbal abuse (that's what it is) and no respect for what you do for him.
I would not fight with him, its a losing battle. My Dad loved to engage. I am very good at the silent treatment. Just walk away. When he says something to u about the silence, tell him when he starts respecting u, you will talk. This used to bug my Dad. Baby steps.
I would try to have him assign you POA for financial and medical. You can tell him it so you can tell drs. what his wishes are or they will do what they want. With your fathers problems, Dementia is not far away. Once he is declared incompetent you could place him in LTC on Medicaid if he has no money other than SS. He is a self centered man. He doesn't see where his actions effect other people. My Dad loved to get a rise out of people and I fed right into it. And got mad at myself when I did. I loved my Dad. He had his good moments. But I would have never cared for him or had him in my home. I would not have survived it. TG he passed b/f Mom and she had 11 peaceful years. With all Dad had wrong with him, his verbal abuse would just have gotten worse.
What are his finances like? Can he afford an AL place? Or will he need Medicaid? Sounds like time to start checking in to places nearby, and line up your top two options and then tell him “Dad, I cannot and will not take care of you any more. It is killing me physically and emotionally and I cannot do it anymore. You may not care about my well being as evidenced by how you treat me, but I do, and it’s past time for me to take a stand. I have done some research and these are your 2 best options. You will be moving to A or B next week-you choose.” And the FOLLOW THROUGH! Find a friend or family member with a backbone and have them be with you when you tell him. And no matter how nasty he gets, and he will get nasty, DON’T BACK DOWN. If he physically threatens you in any way, go outside and call 911-press charges if you have to, or have them take him to a hospital to be evaluated.
It will not be a reasonable and rational ordeal, but there is light ant the end of the tunnel and we’ve got your back to support you!
You can't. It is time to choose -- your life or his?
Did your younger sister escape this abuse? You escape, too!
You are worth it. Get away from this abusive father. He is not your responsibility. Please believe this.
As he said, this is your house and you are the boss. His treatment of you is abusive and you DO NOT need to accept it.
I would take him to a men's shelter and let them deal with him. This behavior will kill you and he has made it clear he doesn't care about anyone but himself.
I am sorry that you are going through this, but time to take your life into your own hands and send him packing, I don't care what his diagnosis is, he can go live his life on his terms out of your house.
Hugs! You can do it!
You say you are done - then be done. What are you willing to do to make this happen? If you want him out - research options pegged to his income (my mom lives in senior housing pegged to 30% of her income, she gets SNAP for food assistance) for housing and food. Give those to him. He won't move out but he will have options when you start the eviction process - because that is what you are likely to have to do to get this monster out of your house.
How willing are you to be tough and take your life back?